Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3057514 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16550 on:** February 12, 2020, 06:32:03 PM »

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16551 on:** February 12, 2020, 06:33:38 PM »

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him, and see how he likes it!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16552 on:** February 12, 2020, 06:38:47 PM »

Guy walked up to a girl in the pub and said "Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculators?
'cause ...
*Hnnng!*, ... nevermind..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16553 on:** February 12, 2020, 06:43:28 PM »

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested, or you're level 99 friend-zoned.

... Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16554 on:** February 12, 2020, 06:45:56 PM »

A friend started telling me about his new found interest in *backwards* origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16555 on:** February 12, 2020, 08:32:15 PM »

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you, when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts really strangely, sometimes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16556 on:** February 13, 2020, 12:53:02 AM »

A man sees something interesting at the top of a telephone pole, but he can’t quite figure out what it is.
He climbs to the top, and sees it is a black box.
He opens the box carefully, and was shocked by what he found inside...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16557 on:** February 13, 2020, 02:51:40 AM »

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

... have you ever considered being more interesting?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16558 on:** February 13, 2020, 03:09:29 AM »

For those interested in time travel...

Meet me here last Saturday at 2 PM

Bodø · « **Reply #16559 on:** February 13, 2020, 03:47:25 AM »

I wasn't there.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16560 on:** February 13, 2020, 04:25:10 AM »

Come back again yesterday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16561 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:06:28 AM »

Her life story.

I was taken advantage of, on my first day of college

I was young.

There were more than one of them.

They wanted my interest and they got it.

They said I couldn't back out.

And it won't be that bad.

I took more than I could handle, and it hurt.

Now it burdens me every day.

They said after college the pain would gradually go away.

But here I am years later.

Still paying off those damn student loans!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16562 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:09:29 AM »

Salesman: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?
Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use for it.
Salesman: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small!
Man: Oboy! ... have I got the product for you!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16563 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:14:28 AM »

There’s a lot of blaming and accusations going on, concerning the Trump/China trade talks.

Basically . . .

It’s a lot of 'He said, Xi said.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16564 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:17:57 AM »

A child is terminally ill, and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything.

The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"
They interpret that he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted YOU to have cancer."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16565 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:24:36 AM »

I decided to get a new Lexus for my wife on Valentines Day.

Be an awesome trade, if I can swing it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16566 on:** February 13, 2020, 02:56:07 PM »

Son: "Mom, let me introduce you to my new girlfriend."

Mom: "You couldn't find anything better?

Son: "Get off my back! Let me be, I love her."

Mom: "Shut up son! I was speaking to her!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16567 on:** February 13, 2020, 02:58:28 PM »

Man comes home early, and finds his buddy in bed with his wife.

So he stabbed him to death.. His wife says,

"Carry on like this, and you won't have any friends left!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16568 on:** February 13, 2020, 06:17:13 PM »

I placed a sugar cube in the path of an ant.

When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube.

Now everyone else thinks he is a liar.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16569 on:** February 13, 2020, 09:46:14 PM »

Brits drive on the left side of the road.

Yanks drive on the right.

In Russia, they please themselves.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16570 on:** February 13, 2020, 09:50:05 PM »

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a decaf coffee, with sugar but no cream.

The blonde waitress leaves to fetch the coffee, but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk instead?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16571 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:05:46 PM »

Hey guys, beware of the latest 'gold diggers' dating site.

It's called 'Girls Just Wanna Have Funds.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16572 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:10:44 PM »

Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16573 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:18:20 PM »

Three Southern Women Are Chatting In A Hair Salon
First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others ask "Why?"

"Because he's so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others responded, "Courvoisier? Ain't that some kinda fancy liquor?"

"Uh huh!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16574 on:** February 13, 2020, 10:23:53 PM »

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I am smarter than you because I currently have two brains, and you have only one"

Too bad one's not fully developed, and the other is our child's.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3057514 times)

Bodø