Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922372 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16300 on: January 30, 2020, 01:32:32 PM »
38 degrees outside at the moment, about the same expected tomorrow but with a 90% chance of 10 to 20mm of rain chucked in as well.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16301 on: January 30, 2020, 02:12:13 PM »
On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.
He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.

He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".

A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"
In unison the natives reply "Rock".

Eventually they enter a clearing where they spot a couple having sex.
Embarrassed and flustered, the missionary blurts out "Man riding bicycle".

Suddenly one of the natives produces a bow and arrow and shoots the naked man, killing him.
Shocked, the missionary exclaims "Why?!".
The native replies angrily "Man, him riding MY bicycle!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16302 on: January 30, 2020, 02:28:45 PM »
A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.
But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can help.
The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush, so he follows his instructions.
The man hovers over him, and quickly ties the bow tie.

The boy sits up and asks "Why did I have to lay down?"
The man answers, “I’m an undertaker.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16303 on: January 30, 2020, 03:55:47 PM »
The Super Bowl.

Many fans are complaining that the commercials are being interrupted so frequently by an unwanted football game...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16304 on: January 30, 2020, 07:24:23 PM »
An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job.
The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.

After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian"
The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish would mean you would give the job to me instead of a foreigner?".
He went on a rant about looking after the locals etc.

When he was done the boss replied. He said:
"Well it's like this. We didn't make the decision based on how many answers you got right, but more on the answers you got wrong"
So the Irishman still angry says, "But we both got one wrong answer"

Again the boss replies calmly saying, "it's not how many wrong answers you got but the answer you gave.
On question 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know' as his answer. Your answer was 'Neither do I'".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16305 on: January 30, 2020, 07:28:04 PM »
A traveller made a long, arduous journey to find a hermit who was reputed to be extremely wise. 
After searching the wilderness for many weeks, he finally found the old man in his hideaway. 

"Tell me about life," said the traveller. 

"Well," said the hermit, "Life is like a fish."

The traveller thought on this for a while, then said to the hermit, "How is life like a fish?"

The hermit sat silently, pondering the question. 
Minutes turned to hours, as the sun moved across the sky and sank towards the horizon. 

Finally, the hermit said, "Okay, maybe life isn't like a fish?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16306 on: January 30, 2020, 11:29:25 PM »
I really hate how close the ‘i’ and the ‘o’ are on a keyboard...


I could really care less that a 'Pirn' is a rod onto which weft thread is wound, for use in weaving.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16307 on: January 31, 2020, 01:19:15 AM »
My keyboard works 24/7


(It's got two shifts ....)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16308 on: January 31, 2020, 03:17:02 AM »
Doctor: "I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life."

Patient: "But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?"

Doctor: "I told you it was bad news."

.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16309 on: January 31, 2020, 03:21:33 AM »
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.

When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians astronauts said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16310 on: January 31, 2020, 03:33:53 AM »
Give a man a plane ticket, and he may fly for hours.


Throw a man from an aircraft without a parachute, and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16311 on: January 31, 2020, 03:48:44 AM »
He'll come crashing down to earth.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16312 on: January 31, 2020, 04:33:51 AM »
A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you could tell me what time it was?" asks the jogger

The driver sleepily looks down at his watch, "Yeah, its 5:00"

"Hey thanks!" says the jogger and runs off.

The man goes back to sleep. Before long there is another loud banging on his window. He jumps again and rolls down his window. Another jogger is running in place in front of his window. "Hey there guy! Can you tell me what time it is?"

The driver irritated looks at his watch and says, "Its 5:45"

"Thanks, mister!" says the jogger and runs off.

The man irritated beyond belief makes a sign and posts it on his window that says

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!

Satisfied, the man goes back to sleep. Out of the blue there is another loud knock at the window. The man bewildered, rolls down his window and sees another jogger running in front of his window. The jogger looks down and says

"Hey man, it's 6:30" and runs off.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16313 on: January 31, 2020, 08:55:12 AM »
31 sticky degrees here at 9.30. Woke to heavy fog this morning, but the rain washed it away by 8am.
No evidence of the rain left, maybe more later from the west.

Typical Portland.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16314 on: January 31, 2020, 06:23:22 PM »
Had 3 mm of rain here from the northwest between 4pm / 6.40 pm, still more coming. 24 degrees outside.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16315 on: January 31, 2020, 06:29:42 PM »
US: "Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!"
Iraq: "No we don't?"

\*US invades Iraq*


US: "Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!"

Syria: "No we don't!"

\*US invades Syria*



US: "North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!"

North Korea: "Yeah? So What?"

US: "Um ... Nothing! ... Doesn't matter ..."

\*US backs away quietly ...*
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16316 on: January 31, 2020, 06:34:08 PM »
Plenty of precipitation coming my way at the moment.  I want to go for a ride.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16317 on: January 31, 2020, 08:14:43 PM »
Still a muggy 24 here at 9.15pm, and still raining.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16318 on: January 31, 2020, 08:16:46 PM »
Wife: "I’m pregnant"

Husband: "Hey pregnant, I’m dad"

Wife: "No you’re not"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16319 on: January 31, 2020, 08:19:15 PM »
Two mice attempted entry into my flat this evening, by sneaking under the door.

I now class my kittycats as weapons of mouse destruction.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16320 on: January 31, 2020, 08:21:38 PM »
How much input did the Russians have in installing  “Agent Orange”  to the White House?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16321 on: January 31, 2020, 08:27:20 PM »
Why don't Harley riders wear helmets?

If you spent $50,000 on a bike and $17,000 on apparel, and people still thought you were a dweeb, you'd be suicidal too!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16322 on: January 31, 2020, 08:31:13 PM »
It's interesting how different US presidents look at the end of their term of office.

Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

JFK had half his head missing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16323 on: January 31, 2020, 11:27:02 PM »
12.20 am, still raining, had 12 mm here so far. Should cease within an hour. Keith in SA copped 43mm.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16324 on: January 31, 2020, 11:28:26 PM »
My wife looked me in the eyes and said "Honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."



Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.
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