Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922616 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17900 on: April 20, 2020, 04:40:50 AM »
Quarantine sucks....

Jehovah Witness's KNOW that you are at home!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17901 on: April 20, 2020, 04:44:45 AM »
Trying to decide where to go for Anzac Day.


Kitchen or bedroom?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17902 on: April 20, 2020, 04:50:16 AM »
"Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Pilot speaking.
Sorry about the 20 minute delay before we took off, it took me awhile to learn how to use this Flight app.
I am working from home today...."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17903 on: April 20, 2020, 05:26:33 PM »
A survivor of Cyclone Tracy in Darwin, standing amidst the devastation of their home, was asked by a news reporter:
"Are you going to stay, and rebuild?"

Reply: "No, I'm moving to Port Augusta, because that's where most of my stuff is now."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17904 on: April 20, 2020, 05:28:04 PM »
How many guys with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Wanna go fishing?!!!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17905 on: April 20, 2020, 05:40:38 PM »
What's the main difference between a religion and a cult?


Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17906 on: April 20, 2020, 05:47:34 PM »
Judaism is said to be a successful religion because it has a lot of wisdom.
The Jewish people always ask very wise questions...
Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17907 on: April 20, 2020, 06:54:23 PM »
I went to IGA to get toilet paper, but they have run out also.

So I bought a candy bar, and the receipt gave me enough to last for a few days....
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Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17908 on: April 20, 2020, 07:52:40 PM »
You should've bought a packet of ciggie papers, Kev...  :grin


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17909 on: April 20, 2020, 08:38:06 PM »
They've run out! (people are buying them to clean their fingernails)  :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17910 on: April 20, 2020, 08:52:57 PM »
I'm bored here at home...

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17911 on: April 20, 2020, 08:54:40 PM »
... also noticed the time on the camera has not been reset...
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17912 on: April 20, 2020, 09:17:36 PM »
I'm bored here at home...

Really??? Hadn't noticed...  :p


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17913 on: April 21, 2020, 02:14:03 AM »
There's one thing that the 1969 moon landing did, it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men.

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and ... the other guy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17914 on: April 21, 2020, 08:09:20 AM »
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters, but they didn’t know either.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17915 on: April 21, 2020, 08:28:55 AM »
As a man walked into Costco, an employee with a clipboard approached him.

The employee asked, “Sir would you be interested in participating in a quick survey about your internet?”

The man replies “Sure”

“So sir, are you currently satisfied with your internet?”

“Yup! Totally!”

The employee asked “Could you please tell me how much you pay for your internet each month?”

The man replies “Absolutely nothing!”

The employee, now a little confused asked, “And might I ask who your provider is?”

“My neighbour!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17916 on: April 21, 2020, 08:36:04 AM »
In fact, I recently pulled a similar stunt with a telemarketer cold caller, who was trying to sign me up with another provider...

When he asked how much I pay per month I told him it was free, because when I left Telstra after 43 years of service, it was a retirement gift from management.

He said "I guess we can't match that." and hung up.

I have never worked for Telstra in my life.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17917 on: April 21, 2020, 10:29:09 AM »
I recently set up one of our neighbours so she could use another neighbours wifi.
I had to get a wifi booster so the signal would go the extra distance and was also strong enough to penetrate the brick walls.
It was all legit though, the neighbour was her sister...  :grin

It was actually funny though as I could actually pick up my wifi there even though it was way further away.
I must have a decent modem...


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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17918 on: April 21, 2020, 10:58:57 AM »
An Englishman, Irishman, a Scot, a German and a Canadian walked into a bar.

They each got fined $1,000 and the bar was fined $10,000 for breaching social distancing and gathering laws.
Shillas :13Candy

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17919 on: April 21, 2020, 01:36:25 PM »
I am going to swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels, immediately before I die.

Imagine the reaction of the poor bugger that works at the crematorium!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17920 on: April 21, 2020, 01:50:32 PM »
True story.

Back in the late 70's, my Army roommate Terry and myself were in a crowded elevator at Myers, in Melbourne.
Somebody let a quiet but deadly one rip, and it was putrid!

Terry turned to the guy next to him, frowning, and declared:
"DO YOU MIND?"
The guy started "Hey, it wasn't me!, it wasn't me!"
Of course everybody glared at him, and we all exited at the next floor, because my god! It was RANK!

As Terry and I walked away, I said "OMG!... that was as bad as anything that even YOU have dropped!"

He replied with a grin: "Heh!... It WAS me!"
« Last Edit: April 21, 2020, 01:58:16 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17921 on: April 21, 2020, 01:57:41 PM »
A cop stops a guy on abike for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Plain Fred.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17922 on: April 21, 2020, 02:00:21 PM »
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
Officer laughs, saying: "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps, and stays in his cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17923 on: April 21, 2020, 02:04:39 PM »
Research has shown that a good two-minute belly laugh burns as many calories as a 20 minute jog.


So now I'm sitting in the park, laughing my ass off at all the joggers.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17924 on: April 21, 2020, 02:07:35 PM »
A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom laughing
A colleague asks him what's so funny?

"I just heard one of the best anti-soviet jokes I ever heard"

"Awesome! What's the joke?"

"I can't tell you, I just sent someone to the work camp for 15 years for it!"
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