Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3070771 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16925 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:15:39 PM »

My wife and I shared a sense of humour...

We had to.

She didn’t have one.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16926 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:23:28 PM »

Common sense in American voters is like dial-up internet access.

It hasn’t been used for years

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16927 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:30:04 PM »

A dark sense of humour is a early sign of dementia and short term memory loss,

and a dark sense of humour is a early sign of dementia and short term memory loss as well.

Not only that, but a dark sense of humour is a early sign of dementia and short term memory loss also.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16928 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:35:01 PM »

A sense of humour is like food...

...you learn to live without either of them in North Korea.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16929 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:48:32 PM »

My oncologist is always laughing.

He has a lousy sense of tumor.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16930 on:** March 02, 2020, 10:55:44 PM »

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian.
Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place, day after day.
I trained him to pee in her flowerbed, and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

Bodø · « **Reply #16931 on:** March 03, 2020, 04:04:01 AM »

The best for of revenge is to be happy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16932 on:** March 03, 2020, 05:44:58 AM »

A Young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York.

After six months his mum calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans.
“Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming in the street, and
I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp on the floor.”

“How do you manage this?” she asks.

“I just relax in bed with the window open, and play me bagpipes,” says the lad.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16933 on:** March 03, 2020, 06:09:31 AM »

My friend moved into a nudist colony about a month ago...

He said the first week was the hardest.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16934 on:** March 03, 2020, 01:40:47 PM »

A tow truck driver is pulling a lady out of the ditch....
He says to her "You are the second pregnant lady I've pulled out of the ditch today".
With a bit of confusion she hastily replies "I'm not pregnant?"
He pauses, and calmly states "You aren't out of the ditch yet, either".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16935 on:** March 03, 2020, 08:40:03 PM »

Three female friends decided to surprise their partners.

The story of the engaged friend:
"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The story of the mistress friend:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat.
Under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

The story of the married friend:
"When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a black mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said. 'What's for dinner Zorro?'"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16936 on:** March 03, 2020, 11:07:57 PM »

A guy went to the pharmacy morning and asked for 50 condoms.

The girl winked at him and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them?"

"I know," he said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16937 on:** March 04, 2020, 12:14:00 AM »

What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16938 on:** March 04, 2020, 12:20:17 AM »

Young Timmy needed eyeglasses, but he refused to wear them...
“But son,” urged his dad, “You’ll be able to see so much better.”

“I can see just fine, Dad,” protested Timmy. “Why, I can see that cat coming up the street two blocks away, and I can tell he has only one eye.”

“Timmy,” said his father in exasperation, “That cat isn’t coming towards us, it’s going away from us.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16939 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:40:08 AM »

Someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16940 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:42:36 AM »

I went to an Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large woman blocking the doorway....

I couldn’t get pasta.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16941 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:49:08 AM »

Trump proposed a budget change that eliminated funding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16942 on:** March 04, 2020, 06:53:01 AM »

Went to see my doctor about impaired hearing.

He asked "Describe the symptoms?"

I said “Homer is a fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16943 on:** March 04, 2020, 07:03:37 AM »

Hot day at the beach, and I saw two guys remove a block of ice from an esky, and sit on it.

Numbnuts.

Shillas · « **Reply #16944 on:** March 04, 2020, 09:02:17 AM »

If you do these for 30 days, you will be unrecognisable:

   Sleep 8+ hours a day
   Drink 2 litres minimum of water a day (high ph if possible)
   Get sun daily
   No sugar
   Read for 30 minutes a day
   Workout 3 times a week
   Capture someone and cut their face off and sew it on to your face
   Meditate for ten minutes daily

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16945 on:** March 04, 2020, 10:18:12 AM »

I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and spelling, and it feelded goodly.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16946 on:** March 04, 2020, 10:20:59 AM »

All my friends have really expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

Bodø · « **Reply #16947 on:** March 04, 2020, 11:00:04 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 04, 2020, 10:18:12 AM

I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and spelling, and it feelded goodly.

At least your punctuation is up to scratch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16948 on:** March 04, 2020, 02:10:10 PM »

I haven't punched any Asian?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16949 on:** March 04, 2020, 03:29:08 PM »

Interesting snippet on this afternoons News.

Melbourne now has a higher population than the whole of Queensland.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3070771 times)

Bodø

Bodø