Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924503 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12175 on: May 05, 2019, 05:09:20 AM »
If a country singer sings his song backwards, does he get his job, his dog, and his wife back again?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12176 on: May 05, 2019, 05:46:53 AM »
Since ditching facebook earlier this year I didn't get bombarded with a single "may the fourth be with you" post yesterday.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12177 on: May 05, 2019, 01:45:04 PM »
Its Whale season again.

Date & Time 2019-05-05 10:50:00
Location Hanlon Parade, Portland
Type of Whale Southern Right Whale
Comments 1 Southern Right whale off Hanlon Parade, heading toward Breakwater, PORTLAND


 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12178 on: May 05, 2019, 01:46:39 PM »
When President Clinton moved into the White House, he ordered a new desk.

Apparently the original desk didn't have enough head room.


President Trump had all the doorways widened for the same reason.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12179 on: May 05, 2019, 01:55:03 PM »
I play in the over-70 basketball league.

We don't have jump balls.

The ref just puts the ball on the floor, and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12180 on: May 05, 2019, 01:57:11 PM »
Trump was asked if he had earned a University Degree.

"No, but I bought one, anyway!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12181 on: May 05, 2019, 02:00:30 PM »
I spent five days in hospital, then took a turn for the nurse.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12182 on: May 05, 2019, 03:51:06 PM »
All men are cremated equal.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12183 on: May 05, 2019, 03:51:21 PM »
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12184 on: May 05, 2019, 04:31:23 PM »
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,

- which is just long enough to become President of the United States.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12185 on: May 05, 2019, 04:32:45 PM »
And God said, 'Let there be light!'  - and there was light,

- but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12186 on: May 05, 2019, 04:39:40 PM »
Then there wasn't light.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12187 on: May 05, 2019, 06:37:01 PM »
Snow White was disappointed when she attended the photography store, and found her photos weren't ready yet.

She said "Some Day, My Prints Will come!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12188 on: May 05, 2019, 07:35:28 PM »
Just because Bill Shortens middle name is Dick, doesn't mean he has the right to act like one.

Also, because Scott Morrison has the middle name of John, thats not sufficient reason for his policies to smell as tho' they originated there.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12189 on: May 05, 2019, 07:58:59 PM »
Its bad manners for cannibals to eat fried chicken with their fingers.

The fingers should be served as a side plate.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12190 on: May 05, 2019, 10:09:00 PM »
Have you heard of that disease that you can get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpies. It's a canarial diseases.

It's untweetable.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12191 on: May 05, 2019, 10:42:54 PM »
If you give Bill Shorten a penny for his thoughts, expect to receive change.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12192 on: May 05, 2019, 10:44:34 PM »
How do you confuse a Green candidate?

You don't ... they are born that way.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12193 on: May 06, 2019, 04:05:19 AM »
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen.

When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12194 on: May 06, 2019, 06:30:24 AM »
My ex accused me of calling her a Witch.

Not so, didn't happen.

That woman needs to get her hearing tested.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12195 on: May 06, 2019, 08:49:33 AM »
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.

... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12196 on: May 06, 2019, 09:19:25 AM »
My mate and his missus just called in, both in fits of laughter.

She went to the pet shop to purchase meal worms and crickets to feed their pet lizards, while he took the car to the garage to have new wipers fitted. She then went to Target to purchase a couple of items of clothing while waiting for hubby to return. She was at the checkout when he returned.

She removed the two tubs of live bugs from her bag to put the clothing in, so they wouldn't be squashed.
On seeing the horrified looks from the two checkout girls, my mate said "Oh YUM! -  Fresh MUNCHIES!!!"

One young girl was choking and gagging as they left ...  :rofl :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12197 on: May 06, 2019, 09:41:43 AM »
Four  women were playing golf. 
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men. 
One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch with both hands and fell to the ground in agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.   
"Please allow me to help," she begged. "I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain."
"No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch.
The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed. 
She gently took his hands away from his crotch.  Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates. "Does that feel better?" she asked.
"It feels great," he said, "... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12198 on: May 07, 2019, 12:25:39 PM »
A blonde with tyre marks across her back was admitted to hospital.
She said "The sign said 'Don't Walk' ... so I crawled!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12199 on: May 07, 2019, 01:54:31 PM »
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim!"

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

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