Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059940 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33150 on:** June 21, 2021, 06:42:41 AM »

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33151 on:** June 21, 2021, 06:45:46 AM »

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - we amputated your arms !'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33152 on:** June 21, 2021, 06:50:15 AM »

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord,

I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33153 on:** June 21, 2021, 08:42:53 AM »

Two old guys, Roger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Roger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Roger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park
Chuck didn't know where Roger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger.
But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Roger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Roger, what in the world happened to you?"
Roger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Roger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty, and The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33154 on:** June 21, 2021, 08:45:42 AM »

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.
I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.
My question is, Have I made a prophet?

STeveo · « **Reply #33155 on:** June 21, 2021, 09:22:52 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 21, 2021, 04:42:53 AM

Why do divorces cost so much?

Because most times, they're worth it.

So true.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33156 on:** June 21, 2021, 10:04:13 AM »

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33157 on:** June 21, 2021, 10:13:55 AM »

Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected into congress in 1946
Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head

Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by a Southerner
Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are made of fifteen letters

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And last but not least:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe !!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33158 on:** June 21, 2021, 10:18:48 AM »

If major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms, they would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop
Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
TAC Condoms: Speed kills
Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
Ericsson Condoms: Smaller
Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure
Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women
FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time
Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
Red Rooster Condoms: The Chicken is Ready!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33159 on:** June 21, 2021, 12:29:24 PM »

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33160 on:** June 21, 2021, 12:35:28 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33161 on:** June 21, 2021, 12:52:17 PM »

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33162 on:** June 21, 2021, 12:54:27 PM »

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened?
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and had then gone in the back to make himself a sandwich.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33163 on:** June 21, 2021, 04:52:37 PM »

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page.
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo that I didn't want anyone else to read, so I folded it in half so that only the recipient would open it and read it."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33164 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:18:01 PM »

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc though out the national system.

Beware of . . .
THE CLINTON VIRUS . . . (Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE VIRUS . . . (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY VIRUS . . . (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS . . . (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS . . . (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN VIRUS . . .(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS . . . (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC VIRUS . . . (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS . . . (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
AND THE FAVORITE . . .
THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS . . . (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33165 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:20:20 PM »

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want..'

So he tied her up, and went down the pub with his mates.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33166 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:23:22 PM »

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle, and swill it around in your mouth."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how much it helps if you keep your mouth shut?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33167 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:36:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33168 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:38:35 PM »

An old lady walks into a sex shop. She looks around, and keeps looking.

Eventually she tells the clerk: “Show me that red one”

He replied: “That’s the fire extinguisher”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33169 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:45:48 PM »

My wife is upset. On prompting, she said she overheard two guys commenting on her weight.

I said "Don't let it get you down, you're much bigger than that."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33170 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:46:53 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33171 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:53:47 PM »

One day a student asked the teacher “What would you advise me to buy for my girl on her birthday?”

“Well, I would advise you to buy a set of cosmetics for contemporary girl: a lipstick, eye shadow, varnish and Adobe Photoshop."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33172 on:** June 21, 2021, 05:54:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33173 on:** June 21, 2021, 06:14:38 PM »

One day the teacher was addressed on phone by his old friend:

“May I come to you and have a talk? I haven’t talked with anybody for a year?”
“Have you lived all year in a forest among animals or something?”
“No, I have lived all year in New-York, among Americans.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #33174 on:** June 21, 2021, 06:17:56 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059940 times)