Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921251 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33100 on: June 20, 2021, 04:33:31 PM »
The young man from Mississippi  came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33101 on: June 20, 2021, 04:34:53 PM »
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33102 on: June 20, 2021, 04:39:47 PM »
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you have just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --

PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold  teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a Visa gold card and a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast, with eight bedrooms for my family, and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka, I want them all over here with me.

PING! - In  the distance there could be seen a beautiful  mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a  sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving  her wand.

I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl ,and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a  greasy terry-towel hat.  He had his  bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared  from the horizon.
'What  happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled  to sweet f***  all, just like the  rest of  us'
And she disappeared
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33103 on: June 20, 2021, 05:49:55 PM »
Some guy claimed that crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet!

I called B.S., they only grow 4.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33104 on: June 20, 2021, 05:52:48 PM »
A Story behind Cave painting.

Cave man [gesturing]: "You wanna see some comics I made about elephants? it's quiet funny..."

Cave woman [gesturing]: "Sure!"


*Present day*

Archaeologist: "This wall painting is an beautiful form of art by prehistoric man, maybe it's about religion and stuff."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33105 on: June 20, 2021, 05:59:08 PM »
A catechist asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33106 on: June 20, 2021, 07:45:13 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33107 on: June 20, 2021, 07:46:22 PM »
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go screw ourselves.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33108 on: June 20, 2021, 08:32:33 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33109 on: June 20, 2021, 08:36:40 PM »
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns to him and says "No chance love, if you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell ain't gonna be riding it!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33110 on: June 20, 2021, 09:21:50 PM »
I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts.

I said, “Ooh look at them legs! I bet you wish you had legs like them!”

She didn’t answer, but I think she was upset because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to the shopping centre.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33111 on: June 20, 2021, 09:28:11 PM »
My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me  what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33112 on: June 20, 2021, 09:32:00 PM »
A teacher draws a heart on the board.

She then asks the class, "What is this?

To her surprise, nearly every student said some variation of "A butt."

The teacher was not pleased to hear this, and called the principal.

The principal walked in and asked "Alright, which one of you students is messing with the teacher?

One student says "No one, sir.

The principal then asks "OK then, who drew an ass on the board?


Needless to say, the class erupted in laughter while the teacher sat there, fuming.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33113 on: June 20, 2021, 09:33:57 PM »
Viagra is now available in a nasal spray for Dickheads.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33114 on: June 20, 2021, 09:36:37 PM »
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?' - Billy Connelly
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33115 on: June 20, 2021, 09:39:00 PM »
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's Sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over..
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should wefwase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33116 on: June 20, 2021, 09:44:44 PM »
Fred "Please don't laugh"
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.  "I don't know what came over me! On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.  Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33117 on: June 20, 2021, 09:52:32 PM »
Two Maoris are riding along Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start trying to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker (Rob) stops to see if he can help and the 2 Maori's ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the cab, but there is room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,00 bowling balls.

The Maori's put it to the Rob that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he give them a lift and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so Rob the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late, and puts his foot down. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks Rob what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly......... "Maori eggs".
The Highway Patrol Officer obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it, 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33118 on: June 20, 2021, 09:59:50 PM »
Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford  her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33119 on: June 20, 2021, 10:03:18 PM »
Paddy calls EasyJet to book a flight.   
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know??  Its YOUR bloddy plane!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33120 on: June 20, 2021, 10:21:06 PM »
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want, don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33121 on: June 20, 2021, 10:45:45 PM »
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33122 on: June 21, 2021, 12:59:52 AM »
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33123 on: June 21, 2021, 01:00:38 AM »
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33124 on: June 21, 2021, 01:19:48 AM »
Mick and Murphy are reading head stones at a cemetery near the roadside.
Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 141 !!"
Murphy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"
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