Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3093089 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14800 on:** October 30, 2019, 03:29:39 PM »

Ray Charles was given a cheese grater.

He said it's the most violent thing he has ever read.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14801 on:** October 30, 2019, 03:31:42 PM »

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga.

Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day, and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor.

“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14802 on:** October 30, 2019, 03:36:02 PM »

The Queen and Prince Charles are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door.
Charles goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So he shouts loudly: "Oh Mummy, it's for you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14803 on:** October 30, 2019, 03:40:00 PM »

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.

Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infrantry like that, I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artillery like that, the Greeks wouldn't have stood a chance at the battle of Marathon."

Napoleon sighs and says - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN, nobody would have found out about Waterloo."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14804 on:** October 30, 2019, 07:12:55 PM »

Almost 3 hours of power outage here, power supply resumed just before 7.30 tonight.

Langers · « **Reply #14805 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:31:53 PM »

Did the wind stop blowing? I thought Portland had heaps of those wind turbines thingys surrounding it (you know, those things that if you have one on your property you earn income and if you are next door to one you suffer any number of dreadful maladies).

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14806 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:43:47 PM »

Something failed with a power transformer just near the distribution yard, and they had to disrupt the whole local grid to repair/replace the transformer

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14807 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:50:38 PM »

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near shipping jetties.

Must be pier pressure.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14808 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:52:51 PM »

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14809 on:** October 30, 2019, 08:56:07 PM »

Older people are the most common source of AIDS...

Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Vision Aids, Mobility Aids...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14810 on:** October 30, 2019, 09:43:54 PM »

Jim’s wife was in labor, and Jim was a nervous wreck.

“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.

After what seemed like a week to Jim, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.

“Thank God, a girl!”, said Jim, “At least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14811 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:36:33 AM »

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style.

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14812 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:40:17 AM »

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!

That's scary!

... It means the other 75% are running around untreated!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14813 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:42:30 AM »

North America's most famous red wine.

"Give back our land!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14814 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:46:35 AM »

A kid goes to his grandpa and asks him about slavery

Kid: "Grandpa, does slavery still exist today?"

Grandpa: "Slavery exists all over the world on almost every continent in the world."

Kid: "I know in North America that black people used to be enslaved, but there's no way that the acquisition of black people through buying, selling and trading still happens today, right?"

Grandpa: "Let me tell you about the National Basketball Association."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14815 on:** October 31, 2019, 09:51:49 AM »

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14816 on:** October 31, 2019, 09:59:54 AM »

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space.
The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2.
It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to earth and say:
'Take us to your Lieder.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14817 on:** October 31, 2019, 10:01:55 AM »

The terrorist was about to board a flight, wearing his suicide vest.

All his friends were there to wish him 'Bomb voyage"

Bodø · « **Reply #14818 on:** October 31, 2019, 10:04:34 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 31, 2019, 09:59:54 AM

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space.
The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2.
It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to earth and say:
'Take us to your Lieder.'

Or at least someone who wears the pants around here.

« **Reply #14819 on:** October 31, 2019, 10:05:00 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 31, 2019, 10:01:55 AM

The terrorist was about to board a flight, wearing his suicide vest.

All his friends were there to wish him 'Bomb voyage"

I heard he had a blast.

Bodø · « **Reply #14820 on:** October 31, 2019, 10:18:21 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 31, 2019, 09:51:49 AM

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature

If it was up to another Cook you would have had a Sandwich instead.

Wild Rose · « **Reply #14821 on:** October 31, 2019, 12:39:34 PM »

Quote from: Bodø on October 31, 2019, 10:05:00 AM

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 31, 2019, 10:01:55 AM
The terrorist was about to board a flight, wearing his suicide vest.

All his friends were there to wish him 'Bomb voyage"

I heard he had a blast.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14822 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:23:54 PM »

Freddy the fungus and Alice the algae met one another and...

they took a lichen to each other

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14823 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:27:22 PM »

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Donny," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14824 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:30:40 PM »

America has one thing, that Canada doesn't.

Nice neighbours.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3093089 times)

Bodø

Bodø