Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks'.

A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung from one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks'.

The American doctor says, 'Hah! That's pathetic. We can take an arsehole from New York City, put him in The White House, and have half the country looking for work in within 48 hours'.

[Kev Murphy]

Over a pleasant evening meal, some friends and I were discussing going to the gym, and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery".

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like".

[Kev Murphy]

Little Johnny goes with his Mum to a beauty salon, and sits next to her while the therapist starts her treatment.

As the beauty therapist smothers cream over the mothers face little Johnny watches closely, fascinated by the actions.

"What's the lady doing mummy?" little Johnny asks.

"The lady is making me beautiful" replies his Mum.

The therapist then starts to remove the cream with cotton wool.

Little Johnny suddenly calls out "What's the matter Mum, is she giving up already?"

[Kev Murphy]

The real reason that Britain left the EU, is because Brits were told they could no longer 'spend a penny', but had to refer to the act as 'Euronating'

[Kev Murphy]

I never did like my masseuse, she rubbed me the wrong way.

[Kev Murphy]

Internet Proverbs
 

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don’t byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

In Gates we trust.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There’s no place like

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

[Kev Murphy]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time, and had to do their own housework, were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her work friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that? ..., Wally was too tired..'

[Kev Murphy]

You know those trick candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they come alight again?

Last week there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

[Kev Murphy]

 I was in the supermarket and saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode.

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

[Kev Murphy]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED WONDER'.

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'.

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'.

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'.

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'.

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER'.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'.

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN' (or 'cha-cha challenged'.)

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'.

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'.

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'.

6. It's not his 'BUTT CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'.

[Kev Murphy]

As Moses led the multitudes through the wilderness, the first instance of that well-known travel phrase was heard:

"Are we there yet?"

[Kev Murphy]

A group of us used to have a couple beers together after work on Friday nights.

One Friday, Jimmy said to us "My missus said last night that she is cutting me back to only twice a week!"

I patted him on the shoulder and replied:
"TWICE a week? You're lucky mate, she has cut some of us out altogether!"

[Kev Murphy]

Two old guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies'.

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, 'Do you have any rye bread'?

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves'.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'.

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me?'

[Kev Murphy]

It was a miserable winters day, and hard to drive in the snow.
When I arrived at my girlfriends place, she was waving to me from an upstairs window.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...

HANNAH, WILL YOU MA...

I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...

... KE ME A CUP OF COFFEE AND A SANDWICH?


That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me!!!

[Kev Murphy]

Question Clarification
 

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.

The defence attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant"?

"No sir", answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife"?

"No sir".

"Did you ever get any from his daughters"?

"Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs here, right"?

[Kev Murphy]

Whatever you give to a woman, she will make it greater.

If you give her sperm she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges tenfold what is given to her.

So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of it in return.

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip.

She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.
In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labelled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answered.

[Kev Murphy]

A few years ago, a farmer won the National Lottery.
As might be expected, the news media converged on his farm.

One of the TV reporters asked the farmer what he was going to do with several million dollars.

His answer: "Well, I guess I'll just keep on farming, until it's all gone in taxes"

[Kev Murphy]

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin asked.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it!"

[Kev Murphy]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my advice.

'What do you think?' she asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one'?

'Better get a bikini', I replied. 'You'd never get it all in one'.

And then the fight started...

[Kev Murphy]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

[Kev Murphy]

A guy cornered a girl at a party and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do something like that to me!!?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said quietly, "Unless you're the son of a bitch that stole my diary...?"

[Kev Murphy]