Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3112048 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15950 on: January 07, 2020, 11:41:36 PM »
I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door, and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15951 on: January 08, 2020, 01:26:57 AM »
My friend got a promotion at MacDonalds.


He's the new C I E I O.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15952 on: January 08, 2020, 08:14:20 AM »
"Do you have one of those USB wire thingamabobs, so I can charge my phone in my Honda?"

Hardly Normal employee: "A cord?"

Me: "Nah! ...  it's a Civic!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15953 on: January 08, 2020, 08:23:00 AM »
I saw this talking Muslim doll in the toy store, and asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.

'I dunno', he said, 'Nobody is game to pull the string?'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15954 on: January 08, 2020, 08:27:28 AM »
An Irishman has developed an electric car...

It doesn't have much range tho', as it's limited by the length of the extension cord.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15955 on: January 08, 2020, 08:29:32 AM »
He needs to come back down to earth.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15956 on: January 08, 2020, 08:32:55 AM »
That would be a short trip.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15957 on: January 08, 2020, 08:39:46 AM »
A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It"s got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I"ll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.
Finally he finished the bag, pitched it out the window too, and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting, and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I"m trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman"s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha!, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
The woman replied, "And you"ll get six years, when the police smell your fingers...."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15958 on: January 08, 2020, 02:23:06 PM »
Musicians all ...

Politicians all harp on about the economy, the state of the nation, etc.

They are not harps, but big lyres...
... with some minor members quietly fiddling the books in the background while others drum up means of increasing their bonus.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2020, 02:26:43 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15959 on: January 08, 2020, 08:44:33 PM »
Can birds fly without feathers?

... And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15960 on: January 08, 2020, 08:54:26 PM »
Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.


Pretty obvious, damned if I can remember ever eating a monkey?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15961 on: January 08, 2020, 08:58:45 PM »
It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15962 on: January 08, 2020, 09:01:31 PM »
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15963 on: January 09, 2020, 12:28:02 AM »
A man calls his doctor
"Doctor, my wife has appendicitis, it's an emergency!"

"That's impossible, I personally removed your wife's appendix two years ago!
I have never seen anyone having appendicitis from a non-existent organ!"

"And, have you ever seen someone who has a new wife?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15964 on: January 09, 2020, 12:34:14 AM »
A woman caught her husband cross-dressing, and declared that their relationship was over.


So he packed her things and left.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15965 on: January 09, 2020, 12:39:37 AM »
If three guys are travelling in the front seat of a ute... which one is the most intelligent?

The one in the middle ... because he doesn't have to drive or open gates.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15966 on: January 09, 2020, 03:44:23 AM »
If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15967 on: January 09, 2020, 07:39:44 AM »
Chemistry teacher: "Did you know protons have mass?"

Student: "I didn't even know protons were Catholic?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15968 on: January 09, 2020, 07:42:25 AM »
Would a German porpoise be called Adolf-in?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15969 on: January 09, 2020, 10:51:28 AM »
I badly misunderstood my buddy last night, when he told me he was going out to ride his horse ...
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Online STeveo

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15970 on: January 09, 2020, 04:25:36 PM »
I badly misunderstood my buddy last night, when he told me he was going out to ride his horse ...
He'd need a step ladder.     :rofl :rofl :rofl
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15971 on: January 09, 2020, 04:27:17 PM »
Not for the group of women he was visiting...  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15972 on: January 09, 2020, 04:29:27 PM »
There  is no charge to visit the local aquarium, as long as you are camping, or dressed as a dolphin.

To all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15973 on: January 09, 2020, 04:31:19 PM »
Muslims are bad at calculus, because they don't know how to integrate.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15974 on: January 09, 2020, 04:35:04 PM »
After my son’s team won the hockey match, the goalkeeper invited us to a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.
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