Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

"Mom, before I was born, did you want a boy or a girl?"

"Actually, I only wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

[Kev Murphy]

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.


Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen a starving African with a 52 inch waist.

[Kev Murphy]

Wacky Paki telemarketer must be desperate... Rang me at freaking 11pm on a Sunday night?

I screamed in his ear and crashed the phone down ... my neighbour just knocked on my door to see if I was ok, lol.

[Kev Murphy]

There's far too much water flowing down the river,

... dam it.

[Kev Murphy]

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back: “You are already there!”

[Kev Murphy]

5 years after Chernobyl disaster, father and son are fishing in a river.

“Dad, is it true that there was huge disaster and radiation everywhere when I was born?”

“Yeah, it was terrible” and he cuddled his head.

“Is it true as well, that it caused many animal mutations, like that 3 eyed fish we got last week?”

“True as well, my smart one” and he ruffled the hair on his sons other head.

[Kev Murphy]

If you cross a frozen lake and a flowing river, what do you get?








... cold and wet.

[Kev Murphy]

A beaver was swimming in the river, and noticed a cow smoking on the shore.
"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's that funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It helps you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"

The beaver tried again, and choked again.

"You know what? You're a good swimmer, right? Let's do this: Inhale, swim across the river, and then exhale."

The beaver inhaled, started swimming, and in the middle of the river he felt so good, he emerged and had a fit of the giggles.

A hippo appeared and asked:
"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, man! The cow gave me some pot, and it's a blast!
You might get some too, if you ask!"

So the hippo swam across to the other bank, and as he was emerging, the cow spit out the joint and screamed:

"BEAVER! ... FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ... EXHALE! EXHALE!"

[Bodø]

If you cross a frozen lake and a flowing river, what do you get?

My home town, or somewhere close by.

[Kev Murphy]

Random Fact

"Sean Connery wore a toupee in all his James Bond movies."

[Kev Murphy]

The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.
The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness, and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society.
He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.


Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks “Who was the dude in the white dress?”


Bobby Joe says “Well that’s the Pope isn’t it? .. He’s the leader of the catholic faith, and an advocate of world peace”


Cletus goes “0h, right. Seems to me like that guy knows jack shit about fishing for alligators, tho?”

[Kev Murphy]

There was a lot of racist arguing and fighting on the school bus, and the driver had had enough.

He pulled to the side of the road and roared. "I have had enough of all this racist bullshit from you lot!
From now on, there is NO black or white, you are all GREEN!, OK?
Now, all you dark green bastards, move to the back of the bus!"

[Kev Murphy]

Two old men sat in a boat on the river casting their lines as the day carried on.

Late in the afternoon the men noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road in the distance.
Without a word, one old man stood up, took off his hat, and bowed his head in a moment of silence.

When he put his hat on and sat back down his friend looked at him and said.

"That was a real nice thing for you to do."

The other old man sighed and said.

"Felt I had to, after all I was married to her for the past thirty years."

[Kev Murphy]

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.
On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfast of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him.
It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"


"Not now! I'm eating."


"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."


"No way."


"Please. It's urgent."


So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side.
He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.


"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"


"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

[Kev Murphy]

Two bananas are sunbathing on the bank of a river...
When a turd comes floating on by, notices the bananas, and yells out, “Come on in! The water’s great!”

One banana turns to the other and says, “ You believe that shit?”

[Kev Murphy]

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:
Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One wearing a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

[Kev Murphy]

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

[Kev Murphy]

Ho-hum .....

Email arrived informing me that there is a package at Chicago Airport awaiting collection from me.
Supposedly contains 4.7 million dollars... All I have to do is to send them a photocopy of my non-existent passport, supply my residential address, bank account and drivers license details, a list of all my fridge contents and my cats registration number...

I created a temporary email account, and told them they could have it, as I am not interested in 'pocket money'

[Bodø]

Tell them Australia doesn't have driver's licenses.

[Kev Murphy]

That's an idea, but doesn't that only apply to Russia?

[Bodø]

In Australia they're licences.

[Kev Murphy]

Computer is set to 'Murican' spelling.

[Kev Murphy]

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.


So I poked him in the eye with a carrot.

[Kev Murphy]

Blonde: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

She whispered to her friend, "You told me they do the liver?"

Friend: "I said they do deliver."

Blonde: "Not according to this guy."

[Kev Murphy]

The hardest thing about skydiving is the ground below.