Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3068018 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #400 on:** April 06, 2016, 09:06:00 AM »

Bought jams have a recommended use-by date, unopened, usually around two years post production date.

Last night, I opened the last jar of Mums home made plum jam. Perfect!

She bottled it in January 1991..... more than 25 years ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #401 on:** April 06, 2016, 12:34:43 PM »


http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/kjm47/blondie_zpsmielwrcs.mp4

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #402 on:** April 08, 2016, 01:30:53 AM »

Has been a busy day yesterday.. one friend dropped in 11 am with his Laptop to be cleaned up, said it was running very slowly. An hour later, and 922 items of malware removed, and he was a happy chappie.

Another friend from Melbourne arrived at 1 pm, brought around two older PC towers to be combined and upgraded into one system. I have a recent spare motherboard here, that I will add to his bits next week.
His Lappy was a real pain, tho.... Had to return the system to original configuration by formatting and reinstalling from manufacturers backup, because windows was so corrupted by malware, worms and trojans, that it just would not boot, not even in safe mode. Took until 11.15 pm to get it up and running with all programs re-installed from scratch.... he even bought me a pkt of smokes as a thank you.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #403 on:** April 08, 2016, 01:36:45 AM »

Now its time to go and cook some dinner... ten hours without a meal, in front of a recalcitrant Lappy is more than enough for one day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #404 on:** April 08, 2016, 01:39:11 AM »

... and a COFFEE!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #405 on:** April 08, 2016, 02:26:29 AM »

A Friend of mine has a Pup which he believes was inspired by Star Wars, because he eats cigarette butts?

Dogs name is Chewbacca....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #406 on:** April 09, 2016, 06:03:29 AM »

Hmmm???? 7 pm, and its already dark outside.

I still have 4 and a half hours of leftover Daylight saved from last year.

Can I use a few minutes of it now, so I don't have to walk home from the supermarket in the dark?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #407 on:** April 10, 2016, 10:59:13 AM »

Two bored miners...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #408 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:01:29 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #409 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:17:48 AM »

Creature of habit?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #410 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:19:25 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #411 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:24:10 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #412 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:40:45 AM »

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower : " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so, how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft : “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar !”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #413 on:** April 10, 2016, 02:31:04 PM »

My Russian friend informs me that it is raining in Moscow...

...and Rudolf the Red, knows rain, dear!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #414 on:** April 10, 2016, 02:46:21 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #415 on:** April 10, 2016, 03:04:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #416 on:** April 10, 2016, 10:49:07 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #417 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:29:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #418 on:** April 10, 2016, 11:30:39 PM »

Have you ever wondered what the Canadian side of mount Rushmore looks like?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #419 on:** April 11, 2016, 12:14:29 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #420 on:** April 11, 2016, 01:52:58 AM »

So.. there were these 300 white guys chasing a black man.

No, it's not some kind of racial slur, It's called the PGA tour.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #421 on:** April 11, 2016, 01:54:00 AM »

Italian cats?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #422 on:** April 11, 2016, 01:56:59 AM »

Whats your favourite coffee?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #423 on:** April 11, 2016, 02:47:00 AM »

STroppy · « **Reply #424 on:** April 11, 2016, 06:06:00 AM »

Honesty

Yup, some people can't handle the truth!

My Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3068018 times)