Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3059847 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #775 on: May 27, 2016, 06:47:26 PM »
 :rofl :rofl :crackup   :thumbs
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #776 on: May 27, 2016, 06:55:57 PM »
I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, of course, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for!

You’d be really pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out?"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #777 on: May 27, 2016, 06:58:01 PM »
"My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and say, ‘Who’s that calling at this hour?’

I don’t bloody know? If I knew that, we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #778 on: May 27, 2016, 07:00:26 PM »
They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff.
Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV...

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #779 on: May 27, 2016, 07:05:27 PM »
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.
He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that, I'll kick your arse!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #780 on: May 27, 2016, 07:18:41 PM »
A married man and his secretary were having torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly.
Then the man asked his secretary if she had a stick of chalk. Bewildered, she found a piece of chalk, which he stuck behind his ear.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, and yelled, "YOU DAMN LIAR! ...You've been playing darts at the pub again, haven't you!... YOU STILL HAVE THE CHALK BEHIND YOUR EAR!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #781 on: May 27, 2016, 09:11:39 PM »
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.....
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #782 on: May 27, 2016, 09:12:19 PM »
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the Doc. "Those are just contractions."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #783 on: May 28, 2016, 12:41:03 AM »
pun time!

(add your favourites)

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #784 on: May 28, 2016, 12:43:36 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #785 on: May 28, 2016, 12:51:27 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #786 on: May 28, 2016, 12:53:08 AM »
http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/kjm47/anigif_zpsoeayrlnp.mp4


Well, THAT escalated quickly?
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Online STroppy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #787 on: May 28, 2016, 09:54:07 AM »
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '£750'

Man - 'Sold'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the  confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #788 on: May 28, 2016, 10:17:58 AM »
Rofl

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CHEERS
DRACO :)

Honda MT250 Elsinore, Honda 750 four F1
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FJ1200 Yamaha 1995, Kawasaki Z1100
Kawasaki Z1000, FJ1200 Yamaha 1995
FJ1200 Yamaha 1992, FJR1300 Yamaha 2004
ST1300 Honda 2004, FJ1200 Yamaha 1990


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Offline johnnyYTED

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #789 on: May 28, 2016, 12:42:00 PM »
 :dred11
 :rofl :rofl :rofl :crackup :crackup :crackup
not what one would expect from a prieST  ,, its the boy who should be worried,,  :spank
Picton  if it doesn’t flood higher than previous times.
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maybe something with a little extra
:dred11 :Spyder
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #790 on: May 28, 2016, 09:14:37 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #791 on: May 29, 2016, 08:52:02 AM »
How to cook an elephant.

First of all, obtain an elephant.
Follow Ivory poachers around, as they discard the elephants after removing the tusks.
(Be prepared for some heavy lifting, as they are not easy to transport)

You will require a large cooking pot, suited to size of the beast.
Place elephant in pot, add 3000 gallons of water, and bring to the boil.
(May take several days) add a few sacks of seasonings and spices.
Allow an extra 3 days on simmer.

Will feed around 300

If extra guests arrive, just throw in a suitable number of rabbits
to increase the bulk, but be aware that some people will undoubtedly
complain if they find HARE in their stew.
 :grin
« Last Edit: May 29, 2016, 08:57:07 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #792 on: May 29, 2016, 08:53:23 AM »
Lol

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CHEERS
DRACO :)

Honda MT250 Elsinore, Honda 750 four F1
Kawasaki Z650, Kawasaki Z1R Mk ll (mint green)
FJ1200 Yamaha 1995, Kawasaki Z1100
Kawasaki Z1000, FJ1200 Yamaha 1995
FJ1200 Yamaha 1992, FJR1300 Yamaha 2004
ST1300 Honda 2004, FJ1200 Yamaha 1990


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #793 on: May 29, 2016, 09:11:56 AM »
Police found an Irishman hanging by his feet from a knotted sheet in his cell.

Cop said “Thats not the way to hang yourself?.. Should have tied it around your NECK!”

Paddy replied “I tried that, but I couldn’t feckin’ BREATHE!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #794 on: May 29, 2016, 10:19:11 PM »
Redneck Tractor pulls.

The tractors used for this sport are over-engineered, with multiple supercharged engines, and they are used exclusively for this sport.

There is this huge piece of machinery which has a counterweight fitted.
As it is dragged by a tractor, this weight moves forward on the base which causes an earth digging blade
to progressively lower to the ground, and impede progress.
Scoring for this highly competitive sport is gauged by how far the device is pulled in the shortest time.

The device is called a Farginnell..... as each tractor driver makes his attempt, the crowd begins to roar...

"FARGINNELL!!!... LOOKAT THAT THING GO!"
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Offline Biggles

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #795 on: May 30, 2016, 08:42:48 AM »
 :o     :-X
For the modern man who lives in the city, riding a bike might be one of the only ways to escape the humdrum monotony. To take off and ride. To be both at one with nature and one with the bike. To feel masculine. Adam Piggott

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #796 on: May 30, 2016, 05:29:18 PM »
Been a few weeks since the Pollies last gave themselves a pay rise, .... in their opinion, aren't they due for another one???

.... Or will they leave it until the end of the first week in July, and slip it through while no one is looking??
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Offline Biggles

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #797 on: May 30, 2016, 05:45:36 PM »
They assure you with straight faces that their pays are set by an independent agency.

Probably the same bottom feeders whose pay is indexed off the pollies' pay.
For the modern man who lives in the city, riding a bike might be one of the only ways to escape the humdrum monotony. To take off and ride. To be both at one with nature and one with the bike. To feel masculine. Adam Piggott

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #798 on: May 30, 2016, 07:18:33 PM »
A blonde, brunette and a redhead are hiking in the desert.
The brunette said, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."
The redhead said, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."
Then the blonde said, “I brought a car door, so we can roll down the window if it gets too hot."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #799 on: May 30, 2016, 07:25:25 PM »
Guys n Gals Trike riders club had a meet and greet luncheon.

Was extremely easy to pick the trike that was owned by a blonde.

It was the only trike with a side stand fitted....
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