Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924368 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #850 on: June 10, 2016, 06:32:25 PM »
I have finally come to understand how Australian Politics work... irrespective of Party.


Promise everything...

... give nothing...

... and then Tax everybody ...

TWICE!

 :grin
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #851 on: June 10, 2016, 06:33:39 PM »
Yep......nail on the head there

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Offline STroppy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #852 on: June 10, 2016, 06:48:03 PM »
Old age ain't for wimps . . . But it beats dying young.

IT’S HELL GETTING OLD...

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him

And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #853 on: June 10, 2016, 06:48:40 PM »
 :rofl :crackup
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #854 on: June 10, 2016, 07:40:08 PM »
A man invited a friend duck hunting and to show him his prize duck hunting dog at work.

They approached the first pond, the dog ran ahead. He came back and wagged his tail once.
The owner told his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond.
They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog wagged his tail three times.
The owner explained that this means there are three ducks there.
When they walked up, sure enough, three ducks were on the pond.

At the third pond, the dog ran back and forth chasing his tail and then humped the owners leg.
The friend asked what in the world this means?
The owner explained, "This means that there are so many friggen ducks on that pond, he can't even count them!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #855 on: June 10, 2016, 07:47:24 PM »
DRINK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY


This guy was pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky.
They don't have flashy sophisticated electronic breatho' test meters for drink driving there.

The Cop just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell, showed it to the guy,
and asked...  'Is she attractive?'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #856 on: June 10, 2016, 07:50:13 PM »
Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's cooking show on the telly.

Bruce says; "What are you watching that crap for? You can't cook to save your life!."

To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch bloody porn movies, don’t you?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #857 on: June 10, 2016, 08:18:39 PM »
Anger Management.

This is a long one...



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.  :o
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. :nahnah
I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it on speed dial.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.  ;-*

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling may have to stop, but they introduced silent numbers. :thumb

So, I called the arsehole and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO! I'm NOT INTERESTED" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ARSEHOLE!" :runyay

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot just gave me the finger and then ignored me.  :OldMan
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number too.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had both numbers on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up. :grin
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.  :thumbsup

Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who the hell are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole!" and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll puch your lights out!," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance, because I'm coming over right now!"

Then I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Vaucluse.
I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works. :thumbsup
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #858 on: June 10, 2016, 08:24:29 PM »
That is SO SO. Cool lmao

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #859 on: June 10, 2016, 08:27:21 PM »
found this pic on the internet, origin unknown.

Mud puddle

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #860 on: June 10, 2016, 09:48:21 PM »
A Barber was shaving a guy and he said “Pop this wooden ball into your cheek to stretch the skin, so I can give you a good close shave.”

The bloke replied “What if I accidentally swallow it?”

The Barber replied “No problem... just bring it back in a couple of days, like everyone else does!”

 :rofl
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #861 on: June 10, 2016, 09:52:44 PM »
Hahaha

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #862 on: June 10, 2016, 10:44:43 PM »
Some roadside advisory signs should be ignored...

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #863 on: June 11, 2016, 04:53:43 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #864 on: June 11, 2016, 11:38:21 PM »
Classic case of an arsehole druggy cage driver living in his own bulletproof bubble.

I have just returned from the police station after filling out a report.

Around 10.15pm tonight, I hopped on my bike to whizz up to the servo for a couple of small items. Only 4 blocks from home.
When I left the servo, there was a slow car ahead of me in the left lane, who moved right to block me from passing? So I went left.
He then swung back to the left and cut me off again, almost got my front wheel. I had to brake hard to avoid impact.
He stopped 30 metres or so ahead. I started moving again and went to the right lane again. He lurched fwd again as well.
As I drew level, he started screaming abuse, "F*ken bikies!... you think you OWN the road!" and started to move across to run me off the road.

Well, as we all know, the ST is no slouch on acceleration, but I did not expect to lift the front wheel off the road! Only a short carry, and down it came again. I passed him and then slowed for the roundabout, but did not indicate that I was turning to the right.
This moron was trying to overtake me on the roundabout, presumably to attempt to run me off the road again, but when he realised that I was turning and it was too late for him to follow, he started screaming abuse out the window again, presumably watching my progress.
Rude shock for him as he mounted the footpath and slammed into a pole. Not wearing a seatbelt and face planted on his own windscreen.

Karma.

Police took him to the hospital for drug testing, as he is obviously 'on' something?.

Am now sitting down to a coffee to settle my nerves. Still shaking.

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Offline Gadget

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #865 on: June 12, 2016, 08:00:56 AM »
Glad you're OK.

I know it's easy to think of the things after the event, but when he pulled over, you should have done a u turn and went to home the other way around the block.

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« Last Edit: June 12, 2016, 08:04:22 AM by Gadget »
Cheers,
Gary
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Life's too short to be miserable, so enjoy it! :)
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #866 on: June 12, 2016, 08:08:13 AM »
Glad you're OK.

I know it's easy to think of the things after the event, but when he pulled over, you should have done a u turn and went to home the other way around the block.

Or gone back to the Servo and called the Police from there.

Security cameras in case he follows you there.
Cheers,
Gary
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Life's too short to be miserable, so enjoy it! :)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #867 on: June 12, 2016, 09:27:58 AM »
Hi Gary... all happened within one block from the Servo, nowhere to turn because of centre plantation.
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Offline Draco (Heartbreak Kid)

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #868 on: June 12, 2016, 09:35:59 AM »
Same thing yesterday coming back from sunshine coast, moved to right lane to pass slower vehicle the 4x4 in front braked to slow next to car I WAS going to pass, then sat beside him for 10k not allowing me to pass, SO after awhile I just dropped back behind, the car then on left dropped back and I saw a gap then down 2 gears and twisted throttle leaving 4x4 IDIOT behind. And enjoyed the rest of my journey 😃

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #869 on: June 12, 2016, 02:28:39 PM »
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

 

Jack, An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman, Kate,  sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

Jack replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII,
and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

Kate said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man, Ivan, sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

Jack replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian!'


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Offline STeveo

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #870 on: June 12, 2016, 05:07:02 PM »
Seems I may be a Lesbian too.  :rofl
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #871 on: June 12, 2016, 05:19:06 PM »
Must be an awful lot of us around. What part of Lesbia do you hail from?    :grin :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #872 on: June 12, 2016, 06:07:46 PM »
Sorry Kev, cannot reply to that and keep it for family viewing.   :spank
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #873 on: June 12, 2016, 08:18:25 PM »
 :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #874 on: June 13, 2016, 01:36:44 AM »
A doctor drives by a small town

He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there. A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner’s daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.

When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and noticed that something is wrong.

The doctor calls the father: “Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”

“What do we do now? “Says the father.

“Does she have a boyfriend?”  asks the doctor.

Yes, replies the father.

” Take her to a room and have the boyfriend make love with her. ”

They do as the doctor said and sure enough she wakes up. Everybody was happy and the doctor left once he filled up his gas tank.



Few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again:

“Doctor, it is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mr. John died.
Half of the town has screwed him already, but he is just not waking up?”

Moral of the story: See a doctor before self medicating.
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