Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3074765 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29375 on: April 16, 2021, 02:28:54 AM »
A man went to a psychiatrist for an evaluation
He drew a horizontal line and asks the patient what that reminds him of.
"A naked woman" he replied.
So he drew a vertical line. "And this?" he asks
"A naked woman."
Doctor then drew an X, and asks same question.
"Two people having sex." came the answer.
"Hmmmmm?" said the doctor. "It seems you have obsession with sex." he speculates.
"Me?" answers the shocked man. "YOU'RE the one drawing all this filth!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29376 on: April 16, 2021, 02:32:25 AM »
Good thing our butt cheeks are split vertically.

If they were horizontally split, running up or down the stairs would sound like someone clapping.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29377 on: April 16, 2021, 02:51:23 AM »
In Dublin there is a large hole in the ground, left over from a construction project that was never finished.
Everyday, several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and takes the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them.
To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Irish government called a meeting.

"What shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?" Asks the first speaker.
Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then Mick raises his hand.
"It is quite an easy solution" he exclaims.
"We keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so that when people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away."

The council agreed, and decided to implement this new solution the following day.
However, with traffic, there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital.
So they hold another meeting.

"Having an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more."
Paddy man raised his hand and spoke.
"If getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole"
Everyone claps, seeing that they've found a solution.

But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal.
"The land next to the hole is simply not big enough" he said, and the crowd stops clapping. "It seems we are back at step one."

In the back of the room Murphy stands, and said with much confidence,
"I have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the hole, and we will fill it up!"
The council is ecstatic, clapping for his brilliant idea.

Murphy continued "... And then we dig another hole right NEXT to the hospital".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29378 on: April 16, 2021, 03:02:34 AM »
The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate.

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29379 on: April 16, 2021, 03:16:53 AM »
For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm, and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony quadriphonic!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2021, 03:20:21 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29380 on: April 16, 2021, 08:22:07 AM »
Are camo-pattern clothes still in fashion?
I don't see them anywhere these days.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29381 on: April 16, 2021, 08:25:38 AM »
Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.
Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29382 on: April 16, 2021, 08:30:43 AM »
When I say "The other day - " I could be referring to anything from last week, to 15 years ago.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29383 on: April 16, 2021, 08:34:02 AM »
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere.

They cause your heart to race, and change your life forever.

We call these people 'Cops'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29384 on: April 16, 2021, 08:46:09 AM »
Two road maintenance workers finished their lunch, and one said to the other  "Time to get on your backhoe."

A woman at the bus stop promptly lay down, with both feet in the air.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29385 on: April 16, 2021, 08:48:45 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29386 on: April 16, 2021, 08:51:27 AM »
Effective, isn't it?

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29387 on: April 16, 2021, 08:54:52 AM »
Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.
His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to make the round trip. Until one day he did it in 4 minutes.

The boss was amazed. He asked Speedy how he did it.

Speedy replied: ‘Your wife left the lunch on the front porch. She had to leave before I got there.’

The boss thought for several seconds and then with a worried look on his face asked:

“Speedy... Exactly how did you get that nickname?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29388 on: April 16, 2021, 01:09:57 PM »
Sleeping patterns.

It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back.
My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29389 on: April 16, 2021, 01:22:20 PM »
Guy applied for a job on a construction site.

Foreman asked: "Can you drive a forklift?"

The man replied: "Yes I can"

The foreman asked "Can you make a cup of tea?"

The man responded: "How big is your effing cup?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29390 on: April 16, 2021, 03:00:29 PM »
This thread has now been read 100,000 times in the past four and a half months.  :runyay (Including my posts)

I thank you all for your support.  :hatwave

Will be offline tomorrow to attend RTE at Mortlake, which is only a 90 minute ride from here.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29391 on: April 16, 2021, 03:09:12 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29392 on: April 16, 2021, 03:11:00 PM »
No, it's not my keyboard.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29393 on: April 16, 2021, 03:41:05 PM »
4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny won gold.

Cloudy won silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy got a precipitation award.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29394 on: April 16, 2021, 03:42:05 PM »
Best pattern for a banker's suit?

Checks!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29395 on: April 16, 2021, 03:47:43 PM »
If you take off your safety helmet on a work site and hold it to your ear, what do you hear?

A lecture from the OHS.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29396 on: April 16, 2021, 04:30:21 PM »
Isn't it Victoria that gets the precipitation award. :Stirpot :Stirpot
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29397 on: April 16, 2021, 05:15:17 PM »
Um, yeah... and persecution award from other States as well.  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29398 on: April 16, 2021, 05:41:55 PM »
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”

The old priest continued… “He died between two lying thieves. I'd like to do the same.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #29399 on: April 16, 2021, 06:36:58 PM »
A construction worker went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacked him on the butt with a baseball bat, and then sent him to the bathroom.

He came out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with cement bags.”
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