Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please hang up and try your call again later.
If you have low self-esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.