Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3085194 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17100 on:** March 13, 2020, 08:21:33 AM »

Word's can't describe how beautiful my ex wife is now.

But numbers can, 2/10 ... maybe 2 and a half.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17101 on:** March 13, 2020, 08:33:16 AM »

Guy walks up to an attractive woman at the bar.

He says, "I'm a man of few words. Yes or no?"

Stunned for a moment she replies, "Your place or mine?"

"If you want to argue about it, just forget I asked."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17102 on:** March 13, 2020, 11:50:35 AM »

A word that starts with "p" and ends with "orn" and is prevalent in theatres, and sometimes at home while streaming movies.

Popcorn.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17103 on:** March 13, 2020, 12:21:22 PM »

A rabbit went into business producing carbonated drinks, and flooded the market.....

Company didn't last long, too much bunny fizzness.

« **Reply #17104 on:** March 13, 2020, 01:39:40 PM »

April fool's day has been cancelled this year because no made up prank could match the crap that is happening in the real world right now.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17105 on:** March 13, 2020, 03:17:18 PM »

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God,

... is that confirmation that Mary had a little lamb?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17106 on:** March 13, 2020, 03:20:45 PM »

Channel 7 is promoting a program that 'Proves the Power of Love'

I prefer the 'tennis' definition.

Bodø · « **Reply #17107 on:** March 13, 2020, 04:17:15 PM »

If his fleece was white as snow does that mean he was Caucasian?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17108 on:** March 13, 2020, 04:36:32 PM »

Oscar Pistorius always 'stepped out' in competition, but at his appeal against his murder conviction, they said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Bodø · « **Reply #17109 on:** March 13, 2020, 06:41:15 PM »

If you run out of toilet paper then, if you have the presents of mind, you could turn to the stockpiles of Christmas wrapping paper you might have hidden away !
Who said there was no Sanitary Claus ?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17110 on:** March 13, 2020, 06:50:32 PM »

ST1100_GREG · « **Reply #17111 on:** March 13, 2020, 10:01:48 PM »

ROFL ROFL

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17112 on:** March 13, 2020, 10:10:44 PM »

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet, while she cooked dinner.

.... So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17113 on:** March 14, 2020, 12:51:33 AM »

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed, and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17114 on:** March 14, 2020, 01:04:30 AM »

My neighbours had a rowdy bed-session last night.

This morning I asked him if he and his wife could tone it down, as I could hear everything that was happening yesterday.

He informed me that he been away for a week, and only flew home this morning.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17115 on:** March 14, 2020, 01:15:23 AM »

Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they are approaching the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers...

"SHHHH! ... turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!!
Maybe they'll think we're not home."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17116 on:** March 14, 2020, 01:31:09 AM »

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know that", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17117 on:** March 14, 2020, 02:14:17 AM »

Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has obviously never stepped on one.

Bodø · « **Reply #17118 on:** March 14, 2020, 03:52:18 AM »

I have many times. Coins make no sound.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17119 on:** March 14, 2020, 04:50:55 AM »

Little Johnny swaggers into a bar, sits on a bar stool and says to the waitress,
“I’ll have a double brandy and a cigar, please.”

The waitress said, “Do you want to get me into trouble?”

The boy replies, “Maybe later. For now, I’ll just stick with the cigar and the brandy.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17120 on:** March 14, 2020, 04:55:29 AM »

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing,” the woman said, "but please don’t tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaller."

"I understand," replied the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the woman skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit, and the spirit in which it was given."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17121 on:** March 14, 2020, 08:16:47 AM »

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on all these useless toys!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17122 on:** March 14, 2020, 08:37:47 AM »

Street protest, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, whacking their shields with their rubber sticks.

The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: "See that pudgy old lady with the hat?
That's my mother-in-law. Do NOT touch her. SHE'S MINE!!!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17123 on:** March 14, 2020, 08:59:55 AM »

There are no Dad jokes in Egypt.

Lots of Mummy jokes, tho.

Bodø · « **Reply #17124 on:** March 14, 2020, 09:04:00 AM »

Tell me one.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3085194 times)

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