Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3062054 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11453 on:** March 20, 2019, 03:30:55 AM »

Had some good news from the Doctor.

He said I am not overweight.

... Just undertall for my diameter.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11454 on:** March 20, 2019, 09:01:55 AM »

Home Economics.

Being as it has taken me 10 years to collect a meagre $470 of benefits from Woolworths Rewards, (a whole $47 discount per year), and the fact that the recent milk price increase will now cost me an extra $109 per year, it puts my online survey participation earnings of a little over a dollar per day into a very attractive light, from just one site..

Just by spending a few minutes daily completing online surveys, I collect $70 every sixty days, ($420 per year) straight into my bank account.

Thank You, PureProfile. Free rego and some bonus extra fuel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11455 on:** March 20, 2019, 09:08:48 AM »

Stupid Arctic tourist plugged his electric blanket into the toaster.

Kept popping out of bed all night.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11456 on:** March 20, 2019, 09:27:31 AM »

A man is driving down a country road when he has a breakdown.
Not being mechanically minded he finally found a house, and asked the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.

As she opened the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig ran out. He asked "Why does that Pig only have three legs?"
She said "We had a fire and the pig woke everybody up, and then went back and brought the dog out."

He said "But why does the Pig only have three legs?"
She said "Well another time, my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in, and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him."

Again he asked "Why does the Pig only have three legs?"
"After all that the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11457 on:** March 20, 2019, 03:20:25 PM »

A bloke said to his workmate "My wife has breast like coconuts"

his buddy asked "Big and hard?"

"No" he replied, "Hairy!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11458 on:** March 20, 2019, 03:21:22 PM »

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Can't; it's Lent".

Frostily, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how bloody long?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11459 on:** March 20, 2019, 04:52:06 PM »

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins.

The priests says, “It begins at conception”.
The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”.
The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11460 on:** March 20, 2019, 09:00:52 PM »

I went to a music concert. The band was drunk, and played miserably.

Still, at the end of their first rendition, everyone was on their feet.
... and heading for the exit.

Bloke desperately called over the microphone "What would you like them to play next?"
A voice from the departing crowd yelled "Scrabble!"

Brock · « **Reply #11461 on:** March 20, 2019, 10:02:10 PM »

Check this lot out

https://www.reddit.com/r/reverseanimalrescue/

Brock · « **Reply #11462 on:** March 20, 2019, 10:04:04 PM »

https://external-preview.redd.it/mp4/8_TgIA1YwvCP_OYL0YVh_xXGz_k7DLmfhlLaW1Pqna4-source.mp4?s=e5d91ba053181324919a1235e0dd8749f2ca492b

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11463 on:** March 21, 2019, 12:17:07 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11464 on:** March 21, 2019, 06:20:19 AM »

Had another short visit yesterday afternoon from AuST1100 (Lyle). He is on the road again today, with a promise to return in the next couple of weeks. Travel safe, my friend.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11465 on:** March 21, 2019, 09:27:05 AM »

Two tennis players were having a game using a pickle .... volley of the dills?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11466 on:** March 21, 2019, 10:57:17 AM »

Trump spends a lot of time speaking to the Amish, because they are unaffected by rising gas prices.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11467 on:** March 21, 2019, 11:04:10 AM »

I was unaware that I was putting on weight.

It just kinda snacked up on me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11468 on:** March 21, 2019, 12:08:27 PM »

Todays BS email from Amazon

"Dear valued customer" (If I was a customer, I would have a name)

'Valued' ? - have never bought anything online, let alone from Amazon.

- Deleted without reading any further, obviously spam.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11469 on:** March 21, 2019, 06:58:00 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11470 on:** March 22, 2019, 12:41:38 AM »

Never give a Politician an inch!

They will take a foot, and then tax a yard.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11471 on:** March 22, 2019, 07:56:19 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11472 on:** March 22, 2019, 08:02:13 AM »

Friend just dropped by for a couple minutes with his 15 y/o son.

Boy picked up a cassette tape I had on the bench and asked, seriously, "Whats this?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11473 on:** March 22, 2019, 08:08:14 AM »

This dog trainer deserves a medal!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #11474 on:** March 22, 2019, 06:46:42 PM »

Marriage is an expensive way to get laundry done for free.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3062054 times)