Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Brock]

Thats the red 10 on the black jack..

[PC]

Huh that only took three minutes I have been saved 

[Kev Murphy]

Go back two moves, you missed one!

[Kev Murphy]

Four friends are touring Europe...
One is English, one is French, one is Spanish, and one is from Germany.

In Paris, they see a group gathered around a street performer. After several minutes of trying to see with no avail, he notices them trying to see him, and stands on a box and shouts to the four friends, "Can you gents in the back see me alright now?"

The four friends respond, "Yes, Oui, Si, Ja!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands.
Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives.
Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas, but none could come up with anything.
When it was finally the English delegate's turn, he predictably hadn't thought of anything the whole time.
Nonetheless, the speaker asked 'What solution do you propose to mitigate flooding in The Netherlands?'
to which the Englishman contemptuously replied
'Damn The Netherlands!'

... and it worked!

[Kev Murphy]

The 'Know all' computer.

In Silicon Valley, there was an exhibition of a new generation Artificial Intelligence computer, which was supposed to know everything.

A man and his son went to the exhibition.
"I will hide in the next room," said the man, "and you will ask the computer where am I."
So the man hides and the kid asks the computer: "Where is my father?"
The computer replies: "Your father is in Europe. But don't tell this to the moron who is hiding in the next room..."

[Kev Murphy]

Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And I'm willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And I'm willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get sick or injured, should doctors help you?
American: Absolutely not! We don't want socialist propaganda.

[Kev Murphy]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny said "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card, and to make love to her three times a day!"
 
The teacher, shocked, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asked.
Susie replied "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

[Bodø]

 

[Kev Murphy]

A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.
She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study.
There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.

“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.

“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru.
We fought this beast for days—it was caught and brought back to a small village to be made into a trophy.”

“Oh, what a wonderful story!” says a guest, patting the stomach of the shark.
“I’ve always wondered how they do it—what is the shark stuffed with?”

The widow replied “My husband”

[Shillas]

So many judgemental people these days.

I can tell just by looking at them.

[Shillas]

I tried donating blood yesterday,
NEVER AGAIN!!
Too many stupid questions!

Whose blood is it? Where did you get it? Why is it in a bucket?

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

Four physicians are out in a field...
... a general internist, an emergency physician, a surgeon, and a pathologist. They see a bird fly overhead.

- The internist says "Looks like a sparrow, sounds like a sparrow, ... its probably a sparrow.'

- The emergency physician says "It's not a falcon, it's not a hawk. I'm not sure what it is, but it probably won't hurt us.'

- The surgeon pulls out a rifle and shoots the bird dead.

He picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says "What's this?"

[Kev Murphy]

A biker is travelling on the highway...
...suddenly, a magpie crosses his path, and he has no time to avoid it.
He sees in his mirror the poor creature bounce on the pavement, then fall on its back.

Feeling guilty, he stops and picks up the unconscious bird. When he gets home, he put the bird in a cage with some bread and water.

The next day, the bird wakes up, sees the bars of the cage, the bread and water...

He puts his head between his wings : "Shit! ...  I killed the biker!"

[Kev Murphy]

My wife is kind of lazy.

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.

"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."

"What, play the flute?" I asked.

"Nah!, ... sit down all day."

[Kev Murphy]

A Viet friend of mine said "I killed seven people in Vietnam"

I replied "You are nowhere near old enough to have seen the war!"

He retorted "This happened 3 years ago, I used to drive a bus in Hanoi!"

[NTRebel]

maybe he should be driving  up here.

[Kev Murphy]

One thing I always remember about Vietnam was the vulgarity.

Everywhere we went, it was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

[Kev Murphy]

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."

So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually, his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling!" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, I want to hear you play that harmonica."

[Kev Murphy]

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realises he should stop, because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases.
The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area.
The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

***

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, explains why California is broke, and Texas is not.

[Kev Murphy]

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean, a rival blind, black, piano player?

There's no way he saw that coming.

[Kev Murphy]

If your brother Charles is being held over allegations of drug dealing, it's no help whatsoever putting a banner on his house saying "Free Charlie."

[Shillas]

One thing I always remember about Vietnam was the vulgarity.

Everywhere we went, it was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

Coffee, me love you long time.