Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3007609 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15175 on:** November 24, 2019, 07:37:15 PM »

'Zackerly!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15176 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:57:46 AM »

Some people say that I'm really good at blowing hot air around in a room, but honestly, I'm not a fan.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15177 on:** November 25, 2019, 06:20:27 AM »

With cannabis now legal in Canberra, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed.

For example, after smoking...
...you have less weed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15178 on:** November 25, 2019, 06:24:27 AM »

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale
Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse."

"You keep pulling on that rope, and it will come back to you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15179 on:** November 25, 2019, 08:34:51 AM »

I drove into a parking spot at the hospital the other day.

The security guard stopped me, and said "Sir this spot is for badge holders only"

I said "I HAVE a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15180 on:** November 25, 2019, 08:39:45 AM »

It's called a parking 'lot', because that's how many cars are required to fill it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15181 on:** November 25, 2019, 09:28:57 AM »

I have a jar in my shed filled with a bunch of random screws.

I put a label on the jar.

'My Bachelor Years'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15182 on:** November 25, 2019, 02:30:36 PM »

I quit smoking and I'm using chewing gum as an alternative...

Sure is hard to keep it lit.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15183 on:** November 25, 2019, 02:32:06 PM »

Chinese communists prefer Ho Chi Mint gum....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15184 on:** November 25, 2019, 02:34:58 PM »

A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says:
"So tell me ,do I come here often?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15185 on:** November 25, 2019, 04:23:16 PM »

I was walking past a farm, there was a sign: “Duck, eggs.”

I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…?”

– and then it hit me.

Bodø · « **Reply #15186 on:** November 25, 2019, 04:27:24 PM »

It is an unnecessary comma. Surely it needed to be an exclamation mark.

Bodø · « **Reply #15187 on:** November 25, 2019, 04:27:58 PM »

And wouldn't it be they hit you?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15188 on:** November 25, 2019, 04:34:28 PM »

I was walking home from the shops today when I saw a small dog on the street.
The dog looked lost, so I picked it up and carried it back to my house.

When we arrived home we were met by my wife, who glared. and with an angry tone asked "What are you doing with that pig?"

I said "Dear, it's a dog actually"

She said "SHUDDUP! ... I was speaking to the dog!"

Bloodman · « **Reply #15189 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:06:15 PM »

Shorty walked into the chemist and asks for a dozen condoms please Miss.

Don"t Miss me she said irately !!

Ok then, make it 13

Bloodman · « **Reply #15190 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:17:08 PM »

Did you hear about the man who raced into the packed doctors surgery complaining that he had just swallowed a pool ball !!

The doctor told him to go to the end of the cue ....!!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15191 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:19:52 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15192 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:24:34 PM »

The big question today is ~ Who is going to buy the US Presidency next year?

New candidate Michael Bloomberg has 17 times more worth assets than Trump, and has already put aside $35million for advertising.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15193 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:41:20 PM »

With all the politically correct agenda these days, you can’t even say 'Black Paint!'

You have to say, “ Leroy, please paint my fence!”

Bodø · « **Reply #15194 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:51:14 PM »

Quote from: Bloodman on November 25, 2019, 05:17:08 PM

Did you hear about the man who raced into the packed doctors surgery complaining that he had just swallowed a pool ball !!

The doctor told him to go to the end of the cue ....!!!

He can chalk that one off.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15195 on:** November 25, 2019, 05:51:52 PM »

A doctor said to his patient "My diagnosis is that you will have an uneventful Christmas this year."

"How's that, Doc?"

"You will be dead within three weeks!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15196 on:** November 25, 2019, 07:24:22 PM »

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15197 on:** November 25, 2019, 07:29:47 PM »

Two guys at a park see a dog licking its own junk.

One man turns to the other and says, "Gee! ... I wish I could do that."

The other replies, "Dude, that dog would bite you!"

Shillas · « **Reply #15198 on:** November 25, 2019, 07:43:54 PM »

I can't remember how to write the roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.

IM LIVID.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #15199 on:** November 25, 2019, 08:58:45 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3007609 times)

Bodø

Bodø

Bodø