Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922945 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15225 on: November 27, 2019, 04:48:49 AM »
I don’t understand people who tell me to act my age?


I already am my age.


When I turned 69, I was extremely disappointed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15226 on: November 27, 2019, 10:50:07 AM »
Do ducks ruffle their feathers to hide their butt quack?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15227 on: November 27, 2019, 10:56:55 AM »
After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman.
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you, but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.

The elderly man promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in house to a young tenant.

The friends were now meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”

"She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy, and she is pregnant"

The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.

The man replied very soberly... "Ummm... She is pregnant, too ...”


Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15228 on: November 27, 2019, 11:07:08 AM »
Must be a new record... 36 hours since I last had a scam phonecall?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15229 on: November 27, 2019, 11:36:22 AM »
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...
So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths.

“You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?”

“Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.”

What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.”

“Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down.

“Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?”

John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.”

I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.”

“Why?”

“Because my father is a gynecologist. So, you know what that makes you.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15230 on: November 27, 2019, 11:56:27 AM »
When 'Pay TV' became available, the carrot on the stick to get people to subscribe was 'no commercials, no advertising'

This was the main reason people subscribed.

How times have changed... radically!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15231 on: November 27, 2019, 12:31:00 PM »
Another blast from the past... circa 1995

I was on the Bol dor 900 travelling to Adelaide to visit my mother when I suffered a road rage attack.
Heading up the east side of the Adelaide hills when a clown in a cage overtook me and then brake checked me.
I pulled around him and kept going. He repeated this twice more. He next came alongside, and tried to push me off the road.
The bike can accelerate faster than the car, so I pulled away. He chased me, so I pulled over where it was safe, and waited...
He pulled in hard, and jumped from his car. No idea what set him off, but another car pulled in behind him and 2 uniformed officers stepped out.
First time I have ever witnessed a police officer pull a gun.
He said to me "On your way, ride safe. We saw the whole thing and will take it from here."
As I rode away, they had the guy on the ground and in handcuffs.

I still have no idea why this guy cracked?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15232 on: November 27, 2019, 12:35:26 PM »
Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15233 on: November 27, 2019, 12:57:38 PM »
After chasing spots all over Australia for the past couple of weeks, I suffer from lack of sleep, and I am a little confused.

Now it's time for me to catch up with some housework, like polishing the carpets, de-greasing the light bulbs, and vacuuming the cats...
I may leave putting the dishes through the laundry until tomorrow?
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Online Brock

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15234 on: November 27, 2019, 01:47:49 PM »
Better Vacuum the bed first.
Brock
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15235 on: November 27, 2019, 01:56:53 PM »
Will leave ironing the mirror till last  :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15236 on: November 27, 2019, 02:07:07 PM »
Dont for get the weed n feed for the fridge..
Brock
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15237 on: November 27, 2019, 02:08:51 PM »
 :rofl :-++
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15238 on: November 27, 2019, 02:56:57 PM »
Tuesday, 19 November
International Men's Day 2019 in Australia

To celebrate the occasion, and enforce it, I left the toilet seat up.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15239 on: November 27, 2019, 03:07:20 PM »
An Iditarod racer took a sled dog to the vet.

"He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans-Siberian Husky."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15240 on: November 27, 2019, 03:35:02 PM »
2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

"What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night?" he growls.

"It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow!" the young lad declares.

"Oh, I am so sorry to have disturbed you" the cop exclaims.
"Being your last time having sex and all."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15241 on: November 27, 2019, 03:36:18 PM »
I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.


It said, [Enter Juliet, from the rear]
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15242 on: November 27, 2019, 03:38:06 PM »
A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

Anyway, they fired him,
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15243 on: November 27, 2019, 03:43:03 PM »
Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   
The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.' "


Paddy practised his line and the director's instructions all day long, over and over again, until finally, the time came. 
The curtain went up, Paddy walked on to the stage and said his line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." 
The theatre erupted with laughter, and the surprised Irishman gave an impromptu bow as he walked off the stage.


The director was livid.  "You bloody fool!" he screamed. "You have ruined me!"


"What happened?" said Paddy, bewildered. "Did I forget my line?"


"No!" shouted the director. “You forgot the bloody rose!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15244 on: November 27, 2019, 06:46:21 PM »
An enterprising Boy Scout started a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15245 on: November 27, 2019, 06:56:38 PM »
"Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?"

"It's for a wedding son."

"I thought the horn was only supposed to be used as a warning?"

"Exactly, son."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15246 on: November 28, 2019, 01:17:54 AM »

Jehovah's Witness worldwide all speak the same language.







"DING DONG!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15247 on: November 28, 2019, 01:20:23 AM »
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit, instead of training."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15248 on: November 28, 2019, 01:22:56 AM »
My Grandfather saw what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled, trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen!

He yelled three more times, until it finally happened.


....The Usher kicked him out of the theatre.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15249 on: November 28, 2019, 01:28:06 AM »
I saw a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

He walked away without any injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.
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