Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924402 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12600 on: June 12, 2019, 10:57:05 PM »
Today is cleaning day.

I’ve already watched two movies (done and dusted) and polished off a block of chocolate.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12601 on: June 12, 2019, 11:27:31 PM »
Strange cat!

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12602 on: June 13, 2019, 01:08:29 AM »
Mexicans won't feel bad about Trump’s wall for very long.

They'll get over it. Or around it. Or under it. Or through it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12603 on: June 13, 2019, 02:27:29 AM »
My mummy and daddy were arguing last night.
I think he is going to take up gardening, because I heard him say:
"Fine! I will go and get hose then!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12604 on: June 13, 2019, 07:07:09 AM »
Don't you hate it when you run out of toilet paper,
and you have to make the trip to the grocery store ... in really small steps.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12605 on: June 13, 2019, 07:08:35 AM »
Chocolate is a great investment.

You buy 100 g – you gain 2 kg!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12606 on: June 13, 2019, 07:11:59 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12607 on: June 13, 2019, 09:35:37 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12608 on: June 13, 2019, 09:37:12 AM »
Women’s shampoo: "Exclusively for curly, blonde, fragile hair."

Men’s shampoo: "4 in 1 - for hair, body, dishes, and car wash."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12609 on: June 13, 2019, 09:46:15 AM »
Husband removing hot food from oven shouts: "Ow!!!!" and starts hopping around.

Wife: "Did you burn yourself?"

"No! Where I come from, we always greet food from the oven with a traditional dance and loud singing!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12610 on: June 13, 2019, 10:05:16 AM »
British motorcycle cops exercising their sense of humour, while escorting Trump during his recent visit.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12611 on: June 13, 2019, 11:37:45 AM »
At the crash repair workshop:

Customer: “Can you repair my car?”

Repair man: “I believe we can, if we screw a replacement car in between the number plates.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12612 on: June 13, 2019, 11:56:20 AM »
So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons.
“Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?”
“As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim.
“Do me a favor, my husband went to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”
Jim happily agreed and was on his way.

He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches,
“Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.”
Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?”
“Second door on the left,” was her reply.
Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked.
“Yes” came the mystified reply.
“Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12613 on: June 13, 2019, 01:29:43 PM »
A couple went to a restaurant, and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
 
In the meantime, the waiter approached to take their order.
 
The husband said, “I’ll have a beer.”
 
The waiter asked: “And what about your wife? Do you want a beer for her?”
 
Man: “You know what?, that’s a fair trade. Deal!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12614 on: June 13, 2019, 01:33:04 PM »
“OMG what happened to his face? It’s all swollen!”
-
“He ate chocolate.”
-
“Is he allergic?”
-
“No, but it was MY chocolate.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12615 on: June 13, 2019, 01:37:03 PM »
Little Johnny drives with his uncle in his new Mercedes. He asks him, “Uncle Bob, what is that star at the front for?”
-
Uncle Bob chuckles patronizingly, “It helps me run down old people.”
He prolongs the joke by swerving a hair’s width away from an old man on a bike, and pretends to be angry he missed him.
-
Little Johnny says, “You know, uncle Bob, I don't think your star is working properly. If I didn’t open the door at the last second, we would have missed him completely!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12616 on: June 13, 2019, 01:46:55 PM »
Air transportation is the most reliable means of travel ever invented.

It hasn't happened yet that an airplane didn't make it back down again.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12617 on: June 13, 2019, 03:28:34 PM »
One prison guard to the other: “Have you heard that prisoner 234 broke out yesterday?!”

The other guard: “Thank goodness. Finally the hammering racket he's been making stops.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12618 on: June 13, 2019, 05:01:59 PM »
The worst thing about parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12619 on: June 13, 2019, 05:03:10 PM »
One way to eliminate the Jihadi problem, and fast, would be to persuade the Chinese black market that Jihadist testicles are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12620 on: June 13, 2019, 05:05:57 PM »
If the guy at the ATM in front of me takes any longer, I’m going to ask him what level he’s on now.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12621 on: June 13, 2019, 05:28:15 PM »
One way to eliminate the Jihadi problem, and fast, would be to persuade the Chinese black market that Jihadist testicles are a super powerful aphrodisiac.
:rofl :rofl :-++
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12622 on: June 13, 2019, 06:50:42 PM »
Judge: “Your choice now, Mr. Daly. 30 days in prison or a $2,000 payment.”

Offender: “That’s just awesome. I’ll take the money, please.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12623 on: June 13, 2019, 06:52:03 PM »
In World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist,
the Germans the raised hand,
and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a greeting.

Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to me?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #12624 on: June 13, 2019, 06:57:12 PM »
Wife: "Darling, it was such a hard day, today.
Can you tell me the three magical words that always make me feel happy?"
-
Husband: "You are right."
-
Wife: "Very funny, no, the other ones."
-
Husband: "I was wrong."
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