Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922672 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16425 on: February 06, 2020, 08:00:03 PM »
Me and the Missus had a huge row yesterday.


We love our new dinghy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16426 on: February 06, 2020, 08:03:39 PM »
Father and son go fishing in their boat.

When they get home Mum notices that son has a swollen black eye.

Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"

Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the boat"

Mom: "Did it bite you?"

Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the oar"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16427 on: February 06, 2020, 09:52:08 PM »
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee, after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16428 on: February 06, 2020, 10:02:48 PM »
A young guy is drafted into the Russian Army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - "I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'll give you $1000!"

Officer - "You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money."

The conscript arrives the cemetery precisely at 2AM and sees the officer standing on one leg on top of a grave.
The officer is naked, playing a guitar and singing songs.
He sees the conscript, gets off the grave, takes his money and tells him: "Tomorrow at 10 AM come to the draft committee and I will make sure you won't be drafted."

The following day the conscript stands in front the draft committee:

Officer - "You are now enlisted in the Army for 2 years!"
The conscript almost has a heart attack.

Conscript - "How could this be? Last night I met with you, and gave you $1000, you can't draft me!"

Officer - "This is slander! You didn't give me anything!"

Conscript - "I did! You were naked, standing on one leg on top of a grave in the cemetery, singing songs all night and playing the guitar!"

Officer - "Comrades and members of the committee, it's obvious this man is insane!
We can't enlist him in the Army, he has to be forbidden to join the military!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16429 on: February 06, 2020, 10:09:22 PM »
A Russian walks into a Lada dealership
... and says, "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada,"

The dealer replied: "OK, that sounds like a fair swap."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16430 on: February 07, 2020, 12:43:11 AM »
A man goes into a Lada dealership and asks to see the newest model.
The dealer takes him to see the new 16-valve car.
Upon examining, the man says, "There's no way this is 16-valve."
"Sure it is," replies the dealer. "8 in the engine, 8 in the radio. The radio is an optional extra."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16431 on: February 07, 2020, 03:54:48 AM »
How do you know when it's time to change the channel?

*"Previously, on God Friended Me..."*
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16432 on: February 07, 2020, 04:01:52 AM »
The year is 2320

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels.

As has been the case for 300 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year.

The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history, but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16433 on: February 07, 2020, 04:09:56 AM »
A husband walks in to his living room and finds his blonde wife desperately looking for something.
She's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room.
Perplexed, the husband asks her what she is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," she replies.
"Why!?" The hubby asks, totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing! ...  Every five minutes he says "You're watching the weather channel!""
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16434 on: February 07, 2020, 04:16:57 AM »
A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located.

“I’m not sure,” the student answers, “We switched cable companies last month.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16435 on: February 07, 2020, 04:21:23 AM »
If you want to change the world, do it while you're single.


Once you're married, you can't even change the TV channel.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16436 on: February 07, 2020, 04:39:17 AM »
My grandson told me a joke about alzheimer disease ...


...ummm .............
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16437 on: February 07, 2020, 08:30:24 AM »
Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16438 on: February 07, 2020, 08:39:29 AM »
A Ukrainian man is out on a walk with his grandson.

The little boy turns to him and asks, "Grandfather, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster here many years ago?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's head.
"But I heard that there were no consequences at all; is this true too?"
"Yes, child," he says, patting his grandson's other head.

And then they strolled off together, wagging their tails.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16439 on: February 07, 2020, 09:09:47 AM »
Kid: "Why is my cousin named Diamond?"

Mother: "Because your auntie really loves diamonds"

Kid: "Well, what about my name?"

Mother: "Never mind about that, Richard."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16440 on: February 07, 2020, 11:47:27 AM »
When you experience Deja vu for the first time.......how do you know ?

 
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16441 on: February 07, 2020, 12:22:42 PM »
I was visiting my daughter last night, when I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper.

" This is the 21st century Dad ", she said, " We don't waste money on newspapers anymore. Here use my Ipad".

I can tell you this...….that fly never knew what hit it!
Shillas :13Candy

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RD 200 - long gone
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16442 on: February 07, 2020, 01:22:15 PM »
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to, dropped dead as he was leaving the office!"



Doctor: "Quick! Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16443 on: February 07, 2020, 01:28:19 PM »
A health inspector went to a latex factory.
The factory looked clean so far, and he went over to the gloves department.
He saw that the workers dipped their hand into the latex, waited for it to cool, and then peeled it off.

He immediately called the manager to complain of this health code violation.
The manager said: "You ain't seen nothing yet, wait till you see how they make the condoms!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16444 on: February 07, 2020, 01:30:51 PM »
I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal.
He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help.

They seemed totally against the idea, so I guess I’ll do it myself!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16445 on: February 07, 2020, 02:34:02 PM »
interviewer: "What was your last job?"

me: "Health angel"

interviewer: "Oh, so you worked at a spa?"

me: "No thilly, I rode a motorthycle!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16446 on: February 07, 2020, 02:39:33 PM »
I enjoy one glass of wine every night for its health benefits.


The rest of the bottle is to sustain my witty comebacks, and my flawless dance moves.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16447 on: February 07, 2020, 02:46:36 PM »
When you don’t know if you can pay your medical bills,

you have health Unsure-ance.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16448 on: February 07, 2020, 02:52:07 PM »
Eating at fast food restaurants can have big health benefits.

For instance, it may prevent you from dying of old age.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16449 on: February 08, 2020, 03:18:11 AM »
Insurance clerk to Blonde: "Where were you born, Ma'm?"

Blonde: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, which part?"

Blonde: "All of me."
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