Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A waitress asked me ... "Would you care for an orange juice?"

I replied "Only if it really needed me ... Is it going to be alright?"

[Kev Murphy]

Nicknames for that unshaved growth on your top lip.

Flavor Saver
Tea Strainer
Mouthbrow
Bristle Batons
Crumb Catcher
Lip Shadow
Grass Grin
Cookie Duster
Nose Neighbor
Soup Strainer

[Flip]

Nicknames for that unshaved growth on your top lip.

Flavor Saver
Tea Strainer
Mouthbrow
Bristle Batons
Crumb Catcher
Lip Shadow
Grass Grin
Cookie Duster
Nose Neighbor
Soup Strainer

My 'BETTER HALF' has a totally different name for it - - - - but we won't mention that here  !!!      

Flip 

[Kev Murphy]

  Yeah, I can guess which one.

[Flip]

Yeah, I can guess which one.

KEV - -  -     

         Bet you can't - - - unless you can remember how to say things in Vietglish !!!   


Flip     

[Kev Murphy]

Flip, I can remember one time I pulled into a servo while travelling, and as I walked to the cafe, a Viet lady was coming out loaded with packages, and carrying a cup of chips. A seagull dived and grabbed at the chips and she let fly verbally.
When she saw me with a big grin on my face, she said "Oh! You unnerstand Viet?" I replied "Enough to recognise what you called that bird!"
She went bright red, put her head down and bolted for her car! 

[Flip]

Flip, I can remember one time I pulled into a servo while travelling, and as I walked to the cafe, a Viet lady was coming out loaded with packages, and carrying a cup of chips. A seagull dived and grabbed at the chips and she let fly verbally.
When she saw me with a big grin on my face, she said "Oh! You unnerstand Viet?" I replied "Enough to recognise what you called that bird!"
She went bright red, put her head down and bolted for her car! 

 


YEP !!!   It's quite funny when someone who looks like such a perfect looking, sweet, innocent LADY -

suddenly lets fly with words you usually associate with - - - UMMMM -> 'massage parlours' or bars in the seeder parts of down town !!!     


Flip   

[Kev Murphy]

I bought a twelve-dollar pen, because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. 

[Kev Murphy]

I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... very...very... clean?

[Kev Murphy]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" 

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

[Kev Murphy]

I spotted a severely physically handicapped man hitch-hiking along the road.

He had no arms, was missing one ear, and had only one leg.

I pulled over and called... " Oi! .. come 'ear ! ...  You look 'armless, ... 'op in!"

[Kev Murphy]

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until I wake around noon. Then it's almost time for my afternoon nap

[Kev Murphy]

Another blast from the past.

In the military, we had the standard practice of explaining equipment to whuffos by means of acronyms.

(whuffo ~ someone who is not in the military ... as in ... "Whuffo you do that?"}

circa... 1977?
We were on a communication training exercise in Vic, providing a radio link from Cape Otway, Angelsea, Yarra Ranges, Mount Buller, Mount Beauty, to Cabramurra and Canberra. My radio relay troop was located on a hilltop just south of Anglesea.
Our setup was visible from the Great Ocean Road, and our tall parabolic radio antennas raised interest from many passing motorists, who drove up to see what it was all about.
When these visitors asked as to what the equipment was for, and its purpose, one of the boys was well versed in how to explain it to them.
"Hey mate? .. whats all this stuff for?"
Pointing to the Parabolic antennas, he would start... These are the FRT's, They are mounted on BTT's, and connected to the CC by LTBT's. The CC is mounted on the BGT. This setup provides SC to the SA's who are DB in Canberra."

Translated

FRT - funny round things.
BTT - big tall towers
CC - Communication Centre
LTBT - long thin black things, (the antenna cables)
BGT - big green truck
SC - secure communications
SA - shiny arses
DB - desk bound

It sounded so plausible, that no civillian ever queried this explanation?

[Kev Murphy]

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

[Kev Murphy]

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we have never left one up there.

The Navy leads the Air Force in safety procedures. There are many aircraft in the sea, but no submarines in the air.

[Kev Murphy]

In Australia, it's considered far better to be down on your luck, than up yourself.

[Kev Murphy]

Mens Language.

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translation: I'm going to sit in a  boat with a stick in my hand and drink myself stupid, while fish swim by in complete safety.

"UH HUH", "SURE", or, "YES, DEAR"
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU, IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND"
Translation: I was wondering if that blonde over there has a boyfriend?

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translation: I have absolutely no idea how it works.

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND BOUGHT YOU THESE ROSES"
Translation: The girl selling them was really cute!

"HEY! I HAVE MY OWN REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"
Translation: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

[Kev Murphy]

Diet Cola ... a 'health' drink that you buy to wash down candy bars and chocolate coated peanuts.

[Kev Murphy]

The main difference between Heath Ledger and Steve Irwin, is that Steve was serated, Heath was sedated.

[Kev Murphy]

Payback time.

[Bodø]

Waiting to strike !!

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge two toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Where the heck is all the sand and the desert here in Taronga zoo?"