Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3025022 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14825 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:38:24 PM »

America has Trump, which in the UK is a euphemism for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister B.J Penis.

Note well: I said nothing at all about Merkel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14826 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:41:20 PM »

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14827 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:46:13 PM »

The unemployment rate in Australia is currently at an all time low...

... but a record number of Aussies are having trouble finding a third job.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14828 on:** October 31, 2019, 01:59:31 PM »

Only one thing undeniably and permanently separates man from beast

Divorce.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14829 on:** October 31, 2019, 02:10:43 PM »

Fishing and girlfriends are very similar.

There are plenty of fish in the ocean, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14830 on:** October 31, 2019, 02:11:39 PM »

A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark humour?"

She responds: "See that man over there with no arms? ... Tell him to clap."

The kid replies: "But mom, I'm blind!"

Mom: "Exactly"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14831 on:** October 31, 2019, 04:59:06 PM »

"My lord, my client is an Elevator operator, and this complainant walked into the elevator wearing a low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him looking at them, and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one! '

... And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14832 on:** October 31, 2019, 07:45:06 PM »

Americans love the summer holidays.

... 2 whole months without a school shooting!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14833 on:** November 01, 2019, 12:57:31 AM »

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place.
The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader.

Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14834 on:** November 01, 2019, 01:04:35 AM »

Karl Marx, said "Seize the means of production!"

Donald Trump however, prefers to grab the means of reproduction.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14835 on:** November 01, 2019, 02:24:18 AM »

The way that Trump carries on, it's a miracle that he doesn't have a period every four weeks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14836 on:** November 01, 2019, 08:25:23 AM »

My dad won the industry award for best surgical oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14837 on:** November 01, 2019, 08:29:50 AM »

More bad news for the coal industry.

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest and death of Jeffery Epstein.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14838 on:** November 01, 2019, 08:35:08 AM »

Delta airlines is chomping at the bit to get into commercial space travel.

After all, in space no one can hear you scream.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14839 on:** November 01, 2019, 10:12:19 AM »

I wonder how Americans would react, if some other nation sent military assassins in to kill Trump, because he made threats to their country?

... sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14840 on:** November 01, 2019, 01:16:15 PM »

Todays Telemarketer ... he didn't expect this from me .... just a bit of harmless creativity from me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWZRfwaMvdc

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14841 on:** November 01, 2019, 01:43:22 PM »

Since Marijuana is now legal in Canberra, I think it would be a pretty kushy place to work.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14842 on:** November 01, 2019, 02:12:42 PM »

In the 1700s men were attracted to woman's natural scent.

To stop from being accosted by too many gentlemen callers, a new product was developed.

Perfumey soaps applied to the clothes would remove and mask any odors. A whole new industry sprung up!

That industry? Laundry Deter-Gents.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14843 on:** November 01, 2019, 02:18:15 PM »

The beauty industry:

For men: This product can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen.

For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14844 on:** November 01, 2019, 03:10:08 PM »

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure recently, to change.

We should increase this pressure, and mine diamonds instead.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14845 on:** November 01, 2019, 03:24:02 PM »

I hear the tourism industry in Libya is booming.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14846 on:** November 01, 2019, 05:34:43 PM »

Dad: "Son, I think it’s time we have the talk."

Son: "Ok dad, but what’s the talk?"

Dad: "It’s called the birds and the bees."

Son: "Ok, explain it."

Dad: "Well, the boys are the bees because we have a stinger, ok?
The girls are called the birds, because they won’t shut up."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14847 on:** November 01, 2019, 05:42:57 PM »

I met a Jewish girl.

She asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

Nigel · « **Reply #14848 on:** November 01, 2019, 06:54:00 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14849 on:** November 01, 2019, 09:46:21 PM »

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM at the bank next door”

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3025022 times)