Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3069336 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17350 on: March 24, 2020, 08:59:53 AM »
A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery
"What poor people there are in America," a man tells his comrade,
"Many of their cars have no roof, their phones don't have dials, and their wine is old!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17351 on: March 24, 2020, 09:35:51 AM »
An Aussie tourist had a minor heart fizz at his American hotel.
His wife called 911, and an ambulance was dispatched.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor called the wife and asked her to come to the hospital.

When she got there, the doctor had some bad news.

"I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband suddenly had another massive heart attack, and we couldn't revive him."
The woman is hysterical. "How could this have happened?!"
The doctor replied, "Well, we showed him the bill for the ambulance charges..."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17352 on: March 24, 2020, 09:44:05 AM »
I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today.

It happened at the shopping maul.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17353 on: March 24, 2020, 09:50:21 AM »
A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell
"How'd you die?" asked the Devil.
The Priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
Devil: Well what happened?

Priest: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.

Devil: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell?

Priest: Well, I was receiving confessionals when a boy walked in and said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
I asked what he did. He said "I broke someone's windows, popped a tire on his Harley, and stole all his tools."

I had a heart attack while I was wringing the little shit's neck.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17354 on: March 24, 2020, 11:34:00 AM »
All this hoo ha hasn't stopped the telemarketers... Maybe he works from home?

Clown with an Indian accent just rang me with a 'fabulous deal' for a plethora of new apps, and was not fussed when I told him I have no use for apps whatsoever, as my old phone is incapable of using them.... He then launched into some rave deal for a $3000 dollar phone over a 3 year deal, which would "only" cost $90 per month, plus another $49 per month for data, and another $5 per day for international calls...and continued to talk over the top of me.
My current phone costs $32 per month, including all calls, why would I want to take on a deal that costs almost $300 per month?

Then I informed him that he was breaking the law by calling me, because I was on the do not call register, which he then said "Oh, WE have an exemption from the DNC register", and continued with his spiel. When he took a break for a breath, I said "Just a minute, I would like you to hear this", and played back a recording of him claiming exemption, and then I stated the number he was calling from, and informed him that I would be contacting the ACMA and reporting him with the details of his call, and the recording.

The line went dead.

I have just received a confirmation email from the ACMA that they have noted the details, and will look further into the matter.

My guess is that he will be in the line for unemployment benefits shortly, and will need it to pay the fines.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17355 on: March 24, 2020, 11:48:02 AM »
Do farmers dress impeccably, to prevent attacks from their chickens?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17356 on: March 24, 2020, 11:54:53 AM »
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it? Do you understand?"

The little boy nodded yet again.

"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17357 on: March 24, 2020, 12:33:40 PM »
Day 7 of social distancing: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He's a web designer.

*stolen from Gadget on facebook
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17358 on: March 24, 2020, 01:13:08 PM »
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow
for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

... Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17359 on: March 24, 2020, 01:16:11 PM »
A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging greenie, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, they turned you down.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17360 on: March 24, 2020, 01:19:40 PM »
I don't understand why so many people get attacked by sharks.

Can't they hear the music?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17361 on: March 24, 2020, 01:39:30 PM »
The most religious pastry is the donut.

Its holiness cannot be denied.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17362 on: March 24, 2020, 01:53:10 PM »
A man quit his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation.
After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.

Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.

This raises more than one eyebrow, and the bakery has a rough opening.
Once the neighbours give it a try though, it is a huge hit, and word quickly spreads.
His business prospers wildly, and he wins best new business of the year award.

The local newspaper came to interview him. "What's your secret?!" the journalist asks.

"Simple," says the man. "Everything is ho-made."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17363 on: March 24, 2020, 02:01:44 PM »
A baker was on his way to work when he spotted a large snake on the road.



He quickly stopped, popped the snake into a bag, and took it to work.

His co workers were confused when he produced the snake.
"What are you going to do with it?"
He replied "I think I will make thum python pathtieth, they thould thell well!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17364 on: March 24, 2020, 04:56:52 PM »
My Girlfriend is the sort of girl that men whistle at... because she looks like a sheep dog.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17365 on: March 24, 2020, 05:15:06 PM »
Humans cannot hear a dog whistle...

... because dogs can't whistle.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17366 on: March 24, 2020, 05:24:27 PM »
Can your girlfriend whistle?
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17367 on: March 24, 2020, 05:26:59 PM »
Only if she is standing  :grin :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17368 on: March 24, 2020, 06:59:23 PM »
"My wife and I are now sleep in different rooms."

Friend: "What do you do if you want sex?"

Me: "I whistle."

Friend: "What if your wife wants sex?"

Me: "She comes to my door, and asks me if I whistled."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17369 on: March 25, 2020, 12:52:01 AM »
It's interesting how different each US president looks, at the end of their presidency.

Obama had grey hair.
Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..
JFK had half of his head missing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17370 on: March 25, 2020, 04:01:49 AM »
I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles, and layers of fat, the pug seems to like her.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17371 on: March 25, 2020, 09:34:08 AM »
Had another Indian phone scammer this morning, claiming to be from the Australian Tax Office (again)
Demanded to know my name...
Told him my name was Arfa Koff.
When he repeated my name, he paused, then hung up.
At last they are learning.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17372 on: March 25, 2020, 10:39:34 AM »
An old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"

"I'm 82", said the old man.

"82!", exclaimed the doctor, "How old is your wife?"

"She's 80", was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, "So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 82, and your wife is 80 and you are worried that you don't get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?"

"That is correct." said the old man, "What can you do to help me?"

"Well," said the doctor, "when did you first notice this problem?"

The old man looked thoughtful, "I noticed it first last night, and then twice again this morning."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17373 on: March 25, 2020, 05:38:12 PM »
Whale viewing season here has started again with a sighting near the lighthouse at Cape Nelson today.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #17374 on: March 25, 2020, 05:55:49 PM »
I can't walk on water, but I kind of stumble around a bit on brandy.
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