Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3054826 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16800 on:** February 25, 2020, 09:47:53 AM »

The man who discovered Uranus ...

... was disgusted, when you sat on his hand!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16801 on:** February 25, 2020, 09:52:21 AM »

A fat fashion designer found a time machine.
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he entered and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient Rome.
He noticed everyone wearing cool ancient clothes, so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper "Do you have XL shirts?"
That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:

"Do you really need to buy that many shirts?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16802 on:** February 25, 2020, 02:56:03 PM »

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16803 on:** February 25, 2020, 05:01:09 PM »

An Agnostic archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself.
The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ.

He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides to call the Pope despite being agnostic, because the Pope is the single most important person in the Christian world. He calls the Pope and tells him his story and asks him what to do, whether he should go public with his discovery or bury it forever to save the Christian faith worldwide.

The Pope answers him: “Wait, holy crap, you mean Christ was real?!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16804 on:** February 25, 2020, 05:06:34 PM »

In 1914, a man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. Choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his deepest desires and replies "Well firstly, I wish I was disgustingly wealthy. Secondly, I wish I had a gigantic house. And finally, I wish I had a beautiful brunette wife". The genie snaps his fingers and just like that, the man is teleported.

The man wakes up in a magnificent king-sized bed. His eyes stroll around the room where he finds himself surrounded by countless exquisite antiquities and treasures by the likes of which he has never seen.
Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with a dreamy body and fancy clothes barges into the room and says "You better get up Franz, we need to be in Sarajevo by noon!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16805 on:** February 25, 2020, 05:23:26 PM »

A blonde calls her blonde friend...
"Get here NOW! I made such a discovery!"

Her friend comes over.

"Look!", blonde says, and turns off the light.

"Well, it's dark..."

"Do you know where the light went?"

"Um... No...?"

Blonde marches her friend to a refrigerator in the darkened apartment, and pulls the door open.

"Here it is!"

The other blonde said "Now how did it do that??"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16806 on:** February 25, 2020, 05:40:50 PM »

A guy is walking down the street and notices that his watch has stopped working.
As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.

The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"

The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions!"

Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then, why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"

The mohel calmly replies, "What should I display? ... You want I should be arrested??"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16807 on:** February 25, 2020, 07:38:10 PM »

The tidiest of all sea creatures is the killer whale. They're great at orca-nizing seal meals.

Bodø · « **Reply #16808 on:** February 25, 2020, 07:41:08 PM »

The killer whale is actually a whale killer and not a whale at all. Something got lost in translation from Spanish.

Bodø · « **Reply #16809 on:** February 25, 2020, 07:41:37 PM »

For the record, they are a dolphin.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16810 on:** February 25, 2020, 07:56:50 PM »

"I hate M&M's," said the blonde.

"They're so hard to peel !"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16811 on:** February 25, 2020, 10:09:22 PM »

Interviewer: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Job seeker: "Because the company moved."

Interviewer: "Where did it move to?"

Job seeker: "They didn't tell me."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16812 on:** February 25, 2020, 10:16:09 PM »

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the medical term for brain freeze.

A quick way you can get this, is by eating an ice cream...

... or by trying to pronounce the medical term for brain freeze.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16813 on:** February 25, 2020, 11:07:37 PM »

There’s a man trying to cross the street.
As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a possum.
The possum says to the man, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16814 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:26:35 AM »

I'm reading a book about meeting deadlines.

I was supposed to return it to the library a week ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16815 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:32:46 AM »

The first 17 years of life are like the free trial, the rest of life is Pay to Play.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16816 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:35:15 AM »

Whenever a celebrity dies, somebody has to go through their Wikipedia page and change everything to past tense.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16817 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:36:41 AM »

Microwave ovens should have a silent mode for midnight snacks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16818 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:38:51 AM »

A bachelor/stag party should happen after a divorce, not before a wedding.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16819 on:** February 26, 2020, 02:43:54 AM »

When did afternoon naps, as a childhood punishment, change to become an adult treat?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16820 on:** February 26, 2020, 11:19:19 AM »

Hear about the two Scottish gays?

Ben Dover, and Phillip McAvity.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16821 on:** February 26, 2020, 12:58:10 PM »

I decided to unwind at the pub, and ordered a 16 year old whiskey.

She didn't get served and someone called the cops.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16822 on:** February 26, 2020, 01:01:16 PM »

In a hospital, you can find someone having:

the best day of their life,
the worst day of their life,
the first day of their life,
or the last day of their life,
... all under one roof!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16823 on:** February 26, 2020, 01:03:15 PM »

Because of the internet, I've probably seen more naked people than all of my ancestors combined.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #16824 on:** February 26, 2020, 01:04:50 PM »

Your shadow-

Light has travelled millions of miles through space from the sun, only to be stopped a few feet from the ground by you.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3054826 times)

Bodø

Bodø