Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922195 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16600 on: February 15, 2020, 05:40:43 PM »
Recruits do not join the Army to die for their country, but to kill the other bastard for his country!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16601 on: February 15, 2020, 06:30:18 PM »
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16602 on: February 15, 2020, 06:31:24 PM »
Jump started two grateful stranger's vehicles in the last 24 hours and just bought my regular Powerball entry...about time for a rewarding experience methinks.  Type of thing you can't do free of charge.....but it does have its positives and negatives....so it pays to be grounded.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16603 on: February 15, 2020, 06:34:19 PM »
The best soldier in the army was the camp baker,

Cuz he went in buns glazing...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16604 on: February 15, 2020, 06:35:36 PM »
Jump started two grateful stranger's vehicles in the last 24 hours and just bought my regular Powerball entry...about time for a rewarding experience methinks.  Type of thing you can't do free of charge.....but it does have its positives and negatives....so it pays to be grounded.

Don't sell yourself short.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16605 on: February 15, 2020, 06:42:43 PM »
In the middle ages, a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16606 on: February 15, 2020, 06:50:14 PM »
As an avid follower of European football I have heard enough Toulouse jokes.
 
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16607 on: February 15, 2020, 09:39:59 PM »
I was once addicted to Viagra.

It was the hardest time of my life.
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16608 on: February 15, 2020, 10:17:21 PM »
The ‘w’ in 'Sahara Desert', stands for water




There is none
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16609 on: February 15, 2020, 10:20:07 PM »
"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"

"Go on, what happened?" he asks.

"Well, I was hiking in the park when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill, it suddenly slipped and broke its leg."

"You are really a brave guy... I would have shit myself!"

he replied. ...



"What do you think the lion slipped on?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16610 on: February 15, 2020, 10:32:41 PM »
If you login to online retailer websites for End Of Year sales, you may save up to 70% on goods.


But if you don't buy anything, you'll save 100%
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16611 on: February 15, 2020, 10:42:40 PM »
A man says to his Doctor "My wife wants sex all the time. To get a break, what can I give to her?"

The doc replied with a leer on his face "My number!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16612 on: February 16, 2020, 02:24:56 AM »
Waitress asked a customer if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16613 on: February 16, 2020, 02:27:58 AM »
Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem.
After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and put a water slide leading to the font in hopes the the squirrels would drown themselves.
However, being instinctive swimmers like many rodents, the squirrels took to the slide as a game and found it fun; twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free at night next to the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back and the Baptists gave up and took down the water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels in their house of worship and consecrated them as members of the church. Now the parishioners only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue reported little trouble. They took the first squirrel they found and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16614 on: February 16, 2020, 02:30:25 AM »
The Leaning Tower of Pisa actually isn't leaning.

...they just built it in Italic font.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16615 on: February 16, 2020, 02:31:54 AM »
There something dodgy about the tree next to my driveway.

Seems kinda shady.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16616 on: February 16, 2020, 02:37:46 AM »
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 late minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16617 on: February 16, 2020, 02:51:18 AM »
Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit on Friday afternoon"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help yesterday."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16618 on: February 16, 2020, 02:54:49 AM »
Usain Bolt went to join a golf club.

The secretary said "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks."

Furious, Bolt replies "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's just 5 minutes down the road! "
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16619 on: February 16, 2020, 07:54:40 AM »
If Usain Bolt misses his bus, he waits for it at the next stop.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16620 on: February 16, 2020, 08:01:17 AM »
If Usain Bolt misses his bus, he waits for it at the next stop.

Actually there are places where that is possible (ie. King William Street Adelaide, Flinders Medical Centre to name two).
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16621 on: February 16, 2020, 08:04:56 AM »
In King William street, you could probably call a cab, and still beat the bus to the next stop.  :p
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16622 on: February 16, 2020, 08:09:40 AM »
Todays scam. Supposedly from the Bank of Melbourne.

Nice try, but I do not have an account there...
Duplicate of previous emails, where only the name of the bank differs.

« Last Edit: February 16, 2020, 08:14:42 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16623 on: February 16, 2020, 08:58:47 AM »
A very depressed man goes to a psychologist
“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment...
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should help you to laugh, and let go for a bit.”

The man bursts into tears. After eventually gathering himself, he says, 'But doctor…I AM Pagliacci.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16624 on: February 16, 2020, 09:01:40 AM »
I was going to buy my girlfriend a present within $200 on valentines day.

i also need a girlfriend, and $200
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