Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2926459 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13725 on: September 04, 2019, 01:31:35 AM »
The overnight temperature here is in double figures tonight.


... except there is a decimal point between them.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13726 on: September 04, 2019, 01:45:52 AM »
I experienced the WORST customer service today. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the store told me “NO!” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO!"
I asked to talk to the manager now as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrr. . I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there ever again ...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13727 on: September 04, 2019, 02:18:25 AM »
Little Johnny arrived at school after being absent the previous day.

His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?"

"I'm sorry Miss, yesterday my dad got burned," replied Johnny.

"Oh,I'm sorry, I hope it wasn't serious?" said the teacher.

To which Johnny replied, "Well, they don't stuff around at the crematorium, Miss."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13728 on: September 04, 2019, 09:38:19 AM »
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.
They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our *children* in, contains magnesium and aluminium? And God knows what else!"

Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!"

After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was he right, momma? Are we in danger?"

The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement has any idea what it's talking about."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13729 on: September 04, 2019, 09:43:54 AM »
A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in Hong Kong.

Journalist: "Do you find it difficult to follow orders, that may harm the people who are protesting?"

Riot Officer: "I do, as some of these people are my friends and neighbours.
When given such a choice, the only thing I can do, really, is to listen to my heart."

Journalist: "And what does your heart say?"

Riot Officer: "Beat!, beat!, beat!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13730 on: September 04, 2019, 09:48:51 AM »
There's a gang in town who recruit new members by knocking on doors, and threatening people with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about that church, how's your day been?
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13731 on: September 04, 2019, 10:01:10 AM »
I've been busy knocking on doors trying to get new recruits for our church.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13732 on: September 04, 2019, 10:21:01 AM »

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.
He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13733 on: September 04, 2019, 10:27:41 AM »
An ancient Roman calculated how many prostitutes were required for each city, based on population.

He was called Horatio. Obviously a name derived from his occupation.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13734 on: September 04, 2019, 10:43:39 AM »
There is no incest in Alabama!

You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13735 on: September 04, 2019, 11:25:37 AM »
I remember being a kid, and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.


Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13736 on: September 04, 2019, 11:29:09 AM »
My Dentist has a collection of dental X-rays.

He calls them 'Rays tooth pics'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13737 on: September 04, 2019, 11:31:08 AM »
My brother lost his two front teeth when he was four.


He won't touch my PlayStation again.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13738 on: September 04, 2019, 01:03:22 PM »
What was a play station on those days?  Able whackets?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13739 on: September 04, 2019, 02:26:49 PM »
As a thief climbed the fence to rob a house, he noticed a sign on the gate.

"BEWARE, THE DOG BITES!"

He was.

And it did.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13740 on: September 04, 2019, 02:35:07 PM »
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth.

He said it was acci-dental.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13741 on: September 04, 2019, 02:36:53 PM »
Did you cheque to see if he has plaque on the wall?
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 05:29:44 PM by Bodø »
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13742 on: September 04, 2019, 02:45:24 PM »
How many languages can you speak, Bodø?
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 04:49:23 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13743 on: September 04, 2019, 04:46:26 PM »
5 year old: "Mommy, do you know how long a tube of tooth paste lasts?"

Mother: "No honey?"

5 year old: "2 laps around the TV table, one around the couch, and enough left to coat the TV remote!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13744 on: September 04, 2019, 06:13:57 PM »
How times change!

A schooner of beer now costs between 7 and 9 dollars...

I can clearly remember paying a dollar fifty for a JUG!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13745 on: September 04, 2019, 11:31:23 PM »
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.

So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13746 on: September 04, 2019, 11:38:05 PM »
Is a property in Norway with access to running water affjordable?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13747 on: September 05, 2019, 01:31:34 AM »
God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and changed the world.

Boofhead Boris who THINKS he is GOD, reigned for 40 days and 40 nights, and Britain has had enough of him.

Shoulda built an ark, but he hasn't even got a lifeboat.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13748 on: September 05, 2019, 01:38:49 AM »
A European tourist jumped in the freezing water to save a dog that was drowning...

As he climbed out and handed the dog to the owner he said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dryink him off, he vill be fine"

The pet owner said "Are you a vet?"

He replied "Vet? I'm vucking soakink!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13749 on: September 05, 2019, 07:12:39 AM »
A dad is driving his three kids to school.

The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?"
The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?"
The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital a Daisy landed on you so we called you Daisy."

The final child then says, "NENENENENENNEEEEENE!"
And the Dad says, "Shut up brick."
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