Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Bodø]

At the last world cup England eliminated Norway, Norway eliminated Australia so I think it's fair to say they have more potential than some. 

Norway were in the Cricket World Cup?

Unless you specify a sport the World Cup is football, real football, you know, the one played with the feet, not this Clayton's football, the football you play when you don't play football.

[Kev Murphy]

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested, or you're a level 99 friend.


... Or ...  she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

[Kev Murphy]

Rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub...
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a line into the puddle.


A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.


'Fishing,' the old man said simply.


'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man into the pub for a drink .


As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,


'And how many have you caught?'


‘You're the eighth, tonight.‘

[Kev Murphy]

My front yard is chicken proof.

Paved with concrete.

It's impeccable.

[Kev Murphy]

Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of young hoons drives by at full speed, and they yell at the monks "Go stuff yourselves, you lame ass religious nutters!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!

The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just read 'Bridge Out'?”

[Bodø]

I'm sure they'll get over it.

[Kev Murphy]

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.


And then his dog came along and did the same thing.

[DavidP]

Total current rain totalled 10 mm in less than an hour, temp has snuck up to 13.3

That is more than our total for the last 3 months :-(  growing dust here (near Toowoomba)

Sent from my SM-T710 using Tapatalk

[Kev Murphy]

I saw a bunch of chickens on the lawn in front of the Inghams processing plant.

Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens,

but then I thought no .....

it's just fowl behaviour.

[Kev Murphy]

There are still whales around this area, with the viewing season drawing to a close.

[Bodø]

I saw a bunch of chickens on the lawn in front of the Inghams processing plant.

Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens,

but then I thought no .....

it's just fowl behaviour.

When Inghams ship them it's poultry in motion.

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.
God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a motorbike,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

[Kev Murphy]

I’m pleased to announce that this thread has achieved its goal, in becoming the top green thread of the forum.


It is made up of over 90% recycled content. 

[Kev Murphy]

My wife insisted that for our anniversary Dinner, I take her to one of those fancy restaurants, where they prepare the meal in front of you?

... So I took her to Subway...

[Kev Murphy]

I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.
I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the wheel is in the ditch by a fence that says, 'St Clements Insane Asylum'

I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off, allowing the wheel to fall from the car.

I get the jack out of the trunk and lift the car after retrieving the wheel from the embankment.
Stumped now as what the hell I was going to do, I stood there staring at the situation.

One of the inmates from the institute is just on the other side of the fence watching me, making me nervous.
Can I help you? I yell at him in my frustration.
He smiles and say's, I got a solution to yer problem if ya want to hear it. Just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to put the tire on.
Wow man thanks...that's a great idea, I tell him, you really saved my ass. What the hell are you doing in a place like this?
He looks me square in the eye and say's, I'm crazy... not stupid.

[Kev Murphy]

Only two jobs come to mind, where you can't eat what is in front of you.

Pizza delivery guy, and a gynaecologist.

[Kev Murphy]

Lady of the house: "Jeeves, I want you to stand at the front door, and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, ma'am, thank you. I've been wanting to do that for many years!"

[Kev Murphy]

President Trump stood at the podium in front of multiple news cameras.

"Good morning. I want to tell you about the work our Customs and Border Patrol people are doing on the southern border.
I'm being told that we have more people crossing the border illegally now, than ever before in our nation's history --

Yesterday, our Border Patrol people captured 17 Brazilian people crossing illegally near El Paso.
I'm not sure how many a Brazilian is, but it sure seems like quite a lot!"

[Kev Murphy]

"Dad what is an alcoholic?"

"Well son, it is someone who is mentally impaired by alcohol.
See those 2 cars across the road? An alcoholic would see 4 cars."

"But dad, there's only one car in the whole street?"

[Kev Murphy]

People are so disrespectful these days, I was in the church the other day when a woman lit up a cigarette, right in front of me.


I was so surprised by her action that I almost spilled my beer.

[Kev Murphy]

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.
I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner of the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel around my waist, with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly nervous.

Now all I need is the perfect line to introduce myself to her.

[Kev Murphy]

While watching a movie in the theatre, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.
Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Do you mind?,” he says, “I can’t hear.”

“I should hope not,” one woman replied sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

[Kev Murphy]

The inventor of the Big Mac died the other day....

His family ordered the most lavish coffin in the brochure, but were extremely disappointed when it turned out to be nothing like the picture.

Just like his product.

[Kev Murphy]

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad
Dad: "How's your life going, son?"

Son: "It's going well, Dad."

Dad: "Is something wrong? You don't sound too happy?"

Son: "No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here."

Dad: "Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right."

Son: "Dad, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599 GTB, when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train."

Dad: "My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you 18 million Euros this instant!
Please stop embarrassing us, and go and buy yourself a train too!"