Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2925073 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15525 on: December 11, 2019, 10:56:18 PM »
A kid asks his dad 'Daddy, what's dark humour?"

"Well," he said, "You see that fat kid over there, stuck in the baby swing?"

"Dad, I'm blind..."

The dad goes back to his newspaper.

"You're welcome, son."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15526 on: December 11, 2019, 11:00:31 PM »
Political humour is far too taxing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15527 on: December 11, 2019, 11:05:51 PM »
Wife - "What do you like the most, my beauty or my intelligence?"

Husband - "Your sense of humour."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15528 on: December 12, 2019, 11:00:57 AM »
ScoMo is fully aware that God has a sense of humour.

He is reminded of this, every time he looks in a mirror.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15529 on: December 12, 2019, 01:55:28 PM »
In Hollywood, so called facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15530 on: December 12, 2019, 06:27:19 PM »
A caravan of settlers were on the Oregon Trail
Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes. One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.
“Buffalo come,” was all he said.
“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.
He looked up and replied “ear sticky.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15531 on: December 12, 2019, 06:35:59 PM »
I went to see a realtor because I was uncomfortable with the high living costs in this area.

He said "Have you considered moving houses?" he asked.

I said, "No, I don't like caravans."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15532 on: December 12, 2019, 06:37:32 PM »
In the stock market today...

Helium was up, feathers were down, paper was stationary, Fluorescent lights were down in light trading, knives were up sharply, pencil were down a few points, elevators were up and down, escalators experienced a slight decline, mining equipment hit rock bottom, the market for raisins dried up, vacuum cleaners picked up, caravans were trailing, socks were unchanged, balloon prices were inflated, and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15533 on: December 12, 2019, 09:14:48 PM »
Bloke walked into a doctors waiting room, and sits next to two African men who are deep in discussion.

The first one says to the other "It is pronounced wooom. W-O-O-O-M. Wooom"

The second one replies "No, no no. It has a ‘b’ sound at the end. More like woombah. W-O-O-M-B-A-H. Woombah.’

The discussion goes back and forth, until the bloke interrupts and says :
"Gentlemen, I think I can help you. It’s actually womb. And it is spelt W-O-M-B - womb"

The first African turns to his mate and says: "How he know what noise elephant make when it fart?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15534 on: December 12, 2019, 09:21:51 PM »
In an American history discussion group, a professor was trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he said, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”

“Why is that?” asked the professor.

“Well for one thing,” the student answers, “She would be dead by now.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15535 on: December 12, 2019, 10:04:47 PM »
Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15536 on: December 13, 2019, 03:40:29 AM »
The first African turns to his mate and says: "How he know what noise elephant make when it fart?"

Actually there is an Afghan saying that says "what does an elephant know about salt?".  It sort of sums up this situation.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15537 on: December 13, 2019, 11:50:43 AM »
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away


He is 3 years old, blue eyes, fair hair...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15538 on: December 13, 2019, 02:44:31 PM »
My ex has aged like fine wine.

Elegant casing, but rotten and fermented on the inside.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15539 on: December 13, 2019, 02:49:22 PM »
"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?"

"You mean a choir?"

"Ok then, ... How much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15540 on: December 13, 2019, 02:56:39 PM »
I got fined $20 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theatre.

It's ok though, it was still cheaper than the prices at the cafeteria..
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15541 on: December 13, 2019, 03:22:03 PM »
I went to an Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....


I couldn’t get pasta
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15542 on: December 13, 2019, 04:56:33 PM »
I got fined $20 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theatre.

It's ok though, it was still cheaper than the prices at the cafeteria..

Who is going to enforce that fine?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15543 on: December 13, 2019, 05:03:10 PM »
Apparently, it is enforced in some US states.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15544 on: December 13, 2019, 05:06:30 PM »
I went to an Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....
I couldn’t get pasta

Did you tell her she pizza you off ?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15545 on: December 13, 2019, 05:12:42 PM »
 :rofl :thumbsup :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15546 on: December 13, 2019, 09:01:38 PM »
Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please, respect his privacy at this challenging time.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15547 on: December 13, 2019, 09:04:15 PM »
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO: ... ?

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15548 on: December 13, 2019, 09:06:47 PM »
I don't understand my wife.

First she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15549 on: December 13, 2019, 11:11:43 PM »
I had a Wookiee steak for dinner tonight.

It was fine, just a little chewy...

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