Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060742 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19426 on:** July 28, 2020, 09:23:44 AM »

I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?'

He said, 'Why?'

I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19427 on:** July 28, 2020, 09:24:34 AM »

She told me it was her 30th birthday.

So I put thirty candles on her cake, arranged in the shape of a question mark.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19428 on:** July 28, 2020, 09:25:41 AM »

I used to sell furniture for a living.

The trouble was, it was my own.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19429 on:** July 28, 2020, 09:27:19 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19430 on:** July 28, 2020, 11:40:46 AM »

People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.'

By the time she smiles on me, she won't have any teeth left.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19431 on:** July 28, 2020, 11:42:39 AM »

I booked in to a small guest house.

The manager said, 'You want a room with running water?

I said, 'What do you think I am? A bloody trout?'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19432 on:** July 28, 2020, 11:44:43 AM »

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind.

He gave me a kite.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19433 on:** July 28, 2020, 01:31:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19434 on:** July 28, 2020, 02:10:18 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19435 on:** July 28, 2020, 03:20:45 PM »

There are now 8 confirmed cases of 'beer' virus here in Portland.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19436 on:** July 28, 2020, 03:59:27 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19437 on:** July 28, 2020, 04:04:57 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19438 on:** July 28, 2020, 05:54:44 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19439 on:** July 28, 2020, 08:54:45 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19440 on:** July 28, 2020, 10:07:44 PM »

It's always darkest before dawn.

So, if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19441 on:** July 28, 2020, 11:15:53 PM »

Mid 1979, Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam.
After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape.
Hillary couldn't believe the news, and rushed out of the office.

She went to her limo, and picked up the phone to call Bill Clinton.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"
There is a silence on the other end.
Finally, she hears Bill's voice. "Who is this?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19442 on:** July 29, 2020, 01:28:58 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19443 on:** July 29, 2020, 01:33:47 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19444 on:** July 29, 2020, 07:06:36 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19445 on:** July 29, 2020, 07:07:09 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19446 on:** July 29, 2020, 07:14:28 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19447 on:** July 29, 2020, 01:41:25 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19448 on:** July 29, 2020, 01:44:22 PM »

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed Out the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled "Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT!!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19449 on:** July 29, 2020, 03:51:43 PM »

As I was going to WestPac bank a short while ago, two pedestrians were about to step out in front of me from the centre median strip. I braked, they hesitated, and then stepped back. I turned into a bike parking space just past them.
These two 'Karens' then abused me for not giving way to them, so I pointed to the pedestrian crossing less than 20 feet away, and informed that they do NOT have the right of way while jaywalking. They THEN said I was illegally parked, so I pointed at the sign...

Click on below image for enlargement

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3060742 times)