Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3068274 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25375 on: January 11, 2021, 10:41:03 PM »
There was a skydiver in his club that was a nut. He had the idea that he could test the axiom that "cats always land on their feet" from free fall altitude, where he would fall with them and observe their self-righting behaviour. He had no interest in aiding their descent, just wanted to see how they behaved in free fall. In his plan, landing was the cats' problem, not his. Scientific impartiality, or some such thing.

He took four stray cats up in a pillowcase for the jump. After exiting the plane, he turned the pillowcase inside out, releasing the cats. To his great surprise, all four cats attached themselves to his body immediately. With their claws. Given that cats have 18 claws each, he was punctured at least 72 times. More, probably, because he struggled vainly to remove the cats as he fell, but they were having none of it, and would reattach with even more conviction with every effort he made to pull them off.

Presently, he was out of altitude, and had to turn his attention to opening the chute. Let's pause to do some math. A chute opening can generate as much as 3 Gs of force. The average cat weighs 8 lbs at one G. At three Gs, this becomes 24 lbs per cat. So when the chute opened, for a moment this guy had 72 razor sharp claws in his skin, each one being pulled down with a force of about one and a third pounds. That's 96 pounds of cat. He was sliced to ribbons, basically.

All four cats hung on through the chute opening, although the skydiver's shredded flesh allowed each one to slip several inches. Bleeding and in misery, the skydiver managed to make a safe, if rather rough, landing in a farm field.

As soon as he hit the earth, all four cats ran off across the field, leaving him to lie there bleeding from his hundred or so wounds. He was the only member of the skydiving club that was displeased with the results of his experiment.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25376 on: January 11, 2021, 10:42:49 PM »
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25377 on: January 11, 2021, 10:45:48 PM »
On average, an Australian male will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Korean male will have sex only one or two times a year. ...

This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Korean.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25378 on: January 11, 2021, 10:47:05 PM »
Irish Airline Announcement
Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25379 on: January 12, 2021, 12:05:33 AM »
Delicate Corporate Matter
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the Junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He Was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs Nateby, my secretary?”

“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You'd swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear, I've never had sex with Mrs Nateby anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then YOU can fire her!".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25380 on: January 12, 2021, 12:08:25 AM »
Did the person who invented the 'knock knock' joke, get a no bell prize?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25381 on: January 12, 2021, 12:12:12 AM »
Police Report:

A truck carrying a consignment of Vicks VapoRub crashed on the freeway today.

Police said there will be no congestion for 12 hours.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25382 on: January 12, 2021, 12:13:45 AM »
The winners of the palindrome race have been announced.

Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah, in their Civic racecar.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25383 on: January 12, 2021, 12:14:53 AM »
Welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25384 on: January 12, 2021, 12:16:59 AM »
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitestorm that's coming.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25385 on: January 12, 2021, 12:19:13 AM »
A Nascar driver was forcibly retired last week after he left his left turn indicator flashing for the entire race.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25386 on: January 12, 2021, 12:23:53 AM »
Dad was babysitting one evening while his wife went out with the girls.

Later in the evening he settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs, and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass, dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed!"

“But Dad?”, little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25387 on: January 12, 2021, 12:44:35 AM »
It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose his favourite teacher's second grade class as a trial. The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students and then asked if anyone had questions.

One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog next door, and she has puppies. Is this sex?"

The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex."

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat, and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"

The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex."

Little Johnny raises his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with James Bond. Is that sex?"

The teacher shook her head and said, "No, Johnny, that was not sex!"
Little Johnny replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw James Bond!!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25388 on: January 12, 2021, 12:52:06 AM »
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, beer in one hand, hamburger in the other, body used up, worn out, and screaming 'GERONIMO! -  What a Ride!'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25389 on: January 12, 2021, 01:10:47 AM »
A woman was admitted to the hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25390 on: January 12, 2021, 04:10:05 AM »
Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?"

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris?"

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports illustrated Magazine."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25391 on: January 12, 2021, 04:31:32 AM »
So, America is going to throw Trump out of office? Well, whoopee do, big deal.

A bit late, he only has a week left in power.

Should have done this 4 years ago.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25392 on: January 12, 2021, 04:35:54 AM »
Queenslanders are now happy that their 3 DAY LOCKDOWN has finished.

Huh!

Diddums.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25393 on: January 12, 2021, 04:54:37 AM »
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25394 on: January 12, 2021, 07:14:25 AM »
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25395 on: January 12, 2021, 07:16:24 AM »
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'

The bloke said 'Kenwood?'

I looked around, and asked, 'Where is he then?'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25396 on: January 12, 2021, 07:17:37 AM »
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?

I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25397 on: January 12, 2021, 08:30:17 AM »
I was in the jungle, and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana?'

He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25398 on: January 12, 2021, 09:54:57 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25399 on: January 12, 2021, 11:15:09 AM »
Guy said to his Doctor 'I'm frightened of lapels.'

Doc replied "Sounds like you've got cholera."
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