Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3066570 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25400 on: January 12, 2021, 11:16:51 AM »
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25401 on: January 12, 2021, 01:05:36 PM »
Cowboy walked into a German car showroom, and said 'Audi!'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25402 on: January 12, 2021, 02:43:40 PM »
Bob Hill And His Wife Betty Are Vacationing In Europe.
 

On a rainy day they are driving through Transylvania when Bob loses control of their rental car and wraps it around the trunk of a huge tree.

Bob is badly injured, but is conscious. He checks Betty and sees that she`s unconscious and bleeding from the head. Every bone in his body is aching, but Bob sees a light in the distance so he scoops Betty into his arms, carries her through the rain and ends up standing in front of a huge door.

Bob knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door and Bob says, "You`ve got to let me use your phone. We`ve been in an accident, and my wife has been terribly injured."

"I`m sorry," says the hunchback, "We don`t have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I`ll get him!"

Soon an elegant looking man comes down a stairway and introduces himself. "I am not a medical doctor," he says, "but a scientist. It is many miles from here to the nearest doctor, but I do have some basic medical training, and will be happy to help if I can."

"Please," Bob pleaded. "Save my wife`s life."

With that, Bob collapses to the floor beside his wife and despite the efforts of the scientist and his assistant, both Bob and Betty die.

The scientist is shattered by his failure to help Bob and Betty and sits down at his grand piano to console himself with music. While his assistant prepares to move Bob and Betty`s bodies, the scientist plays, and the power and beauty of his talent fills the house. Suddenly, the assistant sees what looks like a small twitch of Betty`s hand then he looks over at Bob and Bob`s eyelids are fluttering!

Now Betty`s feet are moving and both of her eyes are opening! The assistant is beside himself with joy and runs to his master and says, "Master! Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music"!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25403 on: January 12, 2021, 07:31:35 PM »
Quote
The Hills are alive with the sound of music"!

Murhpy...

Report to the Norty Corner, you have a 40 Min time out for that...

 :|||| :|||| :||||
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25404 on: January 12, 2021, 07:42:53 PM »
 :rofl  :Norty
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25405 on: January 12, 2021, 07:53:32 PM »
The Beer Scooter
 

We've all used this form of transport - some more than others

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.


The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.


The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine.


Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add-on that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Reds in a single night on the town.


P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt and Thump-A-Lot boots.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2021, 07:56:43 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25406 on: January 12, 2021, 08:47:40 PM »
Hey, Brock? ... after that headbanger of 'the Hills are alive', maybe this one will be more acceptable?  :grin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3z841UJiVk
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25407 on: January 12, 2021, 09:07:25 PM »
Hey, Brock? ... after that headbanger of 'the Hills are alive', maybe this one will be more acceptable?  :grin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3z841UJiVk
Hey I'm disappointed I didn't see it  :OldMan

I found it. Keep up the good work kev
« Last Edit: January 12, 2021, 09:13:58 PM by Wild Rose »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25408 on: January 12, 2021, 09:18:19 PM »
You're Putin the pressure on Kev, but a cracker of a vid..
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25409 on: January 12, 2021, 09:20:01 PM »
 :grin :thumb
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25410 on: January 12, 2021, 09:28:12 PM »
Peace tomorrow brothers. Some helmet time from around 9am til 4pm to take the shine off my new front tyre.
Visiting some friends a hundred Km north of here to catch up and have a coffee.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25411 on: January 12, 2021, 11:08:33 PM »
Have a safe and great ride tomorrow Kev  :hatwave :hatwave
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25412 on: January 13, 2021, 12:40:31 AM »
Thanks Leo, will do.  :thumb Will be a good day for riding, 22degrees here, and 32 up the road a bit.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 12:48:08 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25413 on: January 13, 2021, 12:54:57 AM »
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What was proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled. All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Cant beat cowboy logic.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25414 on: January 13, 2021, 01:03:13 AM »
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, eighty percent of all males masturbate in the shower, and the other twenty percent of them sing a particular song in the shower."

"Really"? he asked.

The therapist nodded her head, and continued, "And do you know which song they sing?"

The friend shook his head, and replied, "No?".

The therapist muttered, "I didn't think so."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25415 on: January 13, 2021, 01:20:25 AM »
A Chinaman asked his 3 daughters "What kind of man would you wish to marry?"

The first replied, "Oh Father ... I would like to marry a man with a dragon tattooed on his chest, because the dragon symbolises strength and long life!"

"Very good!" replied the father, and turned to the second daughter. "How about you?"
She replied "Oh father... I would wish for a man with TWO dragons!"

He smiled and nodded, and turned to the third daughter.
She shyly blushed, smiled, and said "I wanna marry a man with one dragon on the ground!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25416 on: January 13, 2021, 01:43:04 PM »
Old Age
 

Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor, instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations, and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing that you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
-As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down, if it had to work its way through Parliament.

As we grow older year by year,
my wife always mourns:
the less and less we feel our oats,
the more we feel our corns.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember a damned thing.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25417 on: January 13, 2021, 01:49:56 PM »
Home again after coffee with friends. Damn but my bike steers well again with tread on the front tyre!
Great travelling, a warm day but overcast, which made it a bit sticky in the jacket.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 02:01:26 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25418 on: January 13, 2021, 02:59:39 PM »
Lou Costello Calls To Buy A Computer
 

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:! I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25419 on: January 13, 2021, 03:01:05 PM »
An elderly gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25420 on: January 13, 2021, 03:09:31 PM »
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25421 on: January 13, 2021, 07:08:40 PM »
Ahhh... the beauty of having pets who have free roam of the house....

Somehow or other, by walking across the keyboard, they have formatted one of my 4 TB hard drives.
I have lost almost 3,000 movies. This includes all my animated movies, all my Horror movies, and all my Western movies.

My data recovery program was also installed on this hard drive.

 :angry-old-man-smiley-emoticon
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25422 on: January 13, 2021, 08:27:45 PM »
 :fp :cuss Wot thuh


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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25423 on: January 13, 2021, 11:28:08 PM »
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am SOOOOO glad that I do NOT work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS FAR MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25424 on: January 13, 2021, 11:32:18 PM »
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy about 11, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges a $50 service fee for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he charges fer Howard?"
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