Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some two-by-fours."

The clerk asked, "You mean four-by-twos, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant four-by-twos."

"All right, and how long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[Kev Murphy]

Little Sarah came home from school and said to her mother. "Johnny showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could react, Sarah continued, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sarah replied, "Nah!...salty!"

[Kev Murphy]

I decided to visit the local 'cathouse' today, because they were offering 'Special' rates..

I offered $150, and came away with 2 climbing towers, a collection of squeaky toys, and flea and worming treatments for both of them for the next 3 months.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care, and you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?'

[Kev Murphy]

A rainy day at the beach is still better than being stuck in an office on a sunny day.

[Kev Murphy]

Maud, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business, when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed the three ladies.

Maud and Mavis immediately had a stroke.

Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.

[Kev Murphy]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming , would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of the old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


VOTE CAREFULLY. . . the bells are not always audible . . . . .

[Kev Murphy]

Bumper sticker

"I'M RETIRED. But I work part time at being a pain in the butt."

[Kev Murphy]

 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

[Kev Murphy]

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[Kev Murphy]

 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

[Kev Murphy]

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[Kev Murphy]

A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech. He sat and waited silently.
The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin. The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi. "Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech"

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him "I left my false teeth at home"

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much..?"
The Rabbi answered: "You brought my wife's teeth!"

[Kev Murphy]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"

[Kev Murphy]

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to break wind.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree!!"

[Kev Murphy]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone line."

[Kev Murphy]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[Kev Murphy]

After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrow method. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.”

[Kev Murphy]

A market researcher called at a house, and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his survey questions and she agreed.

First he asked her if she knew of his company, Unilever.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."

Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.
Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

[Kev Murphy]

The madame opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[Kev Murphy]

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Little Johnny and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Little Johnny, "Well, did you find it"?

Little Johnny is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards".

[Kev Murphy]