Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059382 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25626 on:** January 19, 2021, 03:17:47 PM »

A Guy Offers To Buy A Drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her, and to slip some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink".

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cosy, really warming up to the guy.

Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25627 on:** January 19, 2021, 04:43:38 PM »

Only Dorothy actually knew the Wizard of Oz by name, and broke into song about it.

His name is Wiroftasee, ....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25628 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:11:14 PM »

Jesus And Saint Peter Are Golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna stuff around?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25629 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:40:54 PM »

Fella walked into a pub and asked the barman "Do you serve women in this bar?"

Barman replied "Nope! ... You haveta bring your own!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25630 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:46:56 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25631 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:47:49 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25632 on:** January 19, 2021, 10:50:15 PM »

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life.

There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet"!

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance".

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain..... but either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25633 on:** January 20, 2021, 12:27:50 AM »

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel, and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest

"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father", replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do"?

"Well, I hit the roof, Father".

To which the priest replied.... "How much did you win?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25634 on:** January 20, 2021, 12:37:52 AM »

The Current Financial Crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know it that when these two banks merge, it will be staffed by bloody wankers.............

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25635 on:** January 20, 2021, 12:46:01 AM »

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer"? cried the duke. "I must find him"!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you"? asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy".

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service".

The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favour in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot?"

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25636 on:** January 20, 2021, 12:50:41 AM »

Proper Grammar

On my 64th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want".

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for"?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

....ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICPLE - UNTIL THE NEXT FULL MOON!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25637 on:** January 20, 2021, 12:52:38 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25638 on:** January 20, 2021, 01:15:50 AM »

Billy Connolly's Things I Hate

People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears?, Wellington boots?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote, because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

When people say "life is short". What the ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!
What can you do that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came, would I still be standing here, Kn*bhead?

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, because just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw, and jam it in your McEyes, you McWanker.

When something is 'new and improved!'.
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it?
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it?
Which is it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25639 on:** January 20, 2021, 01:19:13 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25640 on:** January 20, 2021, 08:19:38 AM »

Back In The Good Old Days when RawPower the Wrestler was in the habit of whooping it up, he was standing at a bar when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

RawPower said, 'Well. I'm no John D: Rockefeller, but I'll buy:

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

RawPower smiled and said, 'I'm no Fred Astaire. but I'll give it a whirl:

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. 'I'm no Cary Grant,' he replied. 'but I'll follow you up there:

They went to the lady's apartment, had another drink. then did what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterwards, the lady said, 'What about some money?'

RawPower shot back. 'Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25641 on:** January 20, 2021, 08:41:19 AM »

NAMING HER BABY

After watching a new mother in the maternity ward earnestly looking through the telephone directory, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.

"No thanks," the young mother said. "I am just looking for a name for my baby."

"But the hospital supplies a booklet that lists every first name and its meaning," said the orderly.

"That won't help," the mother said. "My baby already has a first name."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25642 on:** January 20, 2021, 08:58:14 AM »

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.
He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I'm getting my date drunk."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25643 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:03:14 AM »

"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."
"Did you give it back?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil, or the answer to my prayers."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25644 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:14:22 AM »

If life begins at 40, why aren't we born at that age?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25645 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:21:47 AM »

$248 on-the-spot fine for hanging a face mask from the rear view mirror in Vic, $349 in NSW, +3 demerit points.

Other states, different fines. Be careful out there!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25646 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:22:58 AM »

Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25647 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:24:46 AM »

Kid from next door said he saw a koala on the way to school this morning.

I asked him if he knew which class it was attending?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25648 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:28:37 AM »

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer.
He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.
"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "So where's my dinner?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25649 on:** January 20, 2021, 09:43:05 AM »

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059382 times)