Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3050260 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25677 on:** January 21, 2021, 08:05:56 AM »

Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"
Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."
Father: "So?"
Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8. And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8...
If she can't make up her bloody mind, how do I know the right answer?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25678 on:** January 21, 2021, 08:08:54 AM »

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25679 on:** January 21, 2021, 08:10:14 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25680 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:20:48 AM »

"My Friday is ruined!"

"Why, what happened?"

"I realized today is only Thursday."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25681 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:26:44 AM »

A henpecked husband got sick and tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker with his buddies every weekend, just to get some relief.

When he came home, she'd start right in on him again.
After several weeks went by, he came home early one Saturday night about 9:30.

His wife asked him how come he was home early?
He told her, "You need to pack your bags, and go to Herb's house.
I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious, and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"
He replied, "It was the hardest thing I have ever done... I had to fold with four aces."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25682 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:29:48 AM »

Is it unlucky to drink alcohol on Friday the thirteenth, or is it just a stuporstition?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25683 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:31:45 AM »

Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25684 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:40:40 AM »

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25685 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:41:23 AM »

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25686 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:43:41 AM »

I poured Spot remover on my dog.

Now he's gone.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25687 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:46:05 AM »

My friend tried to repair the brakes on his bike, but failed.

So he fitted a louder horn.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25688 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:57:43 AM »

Just another day in American politics.

New President sworn in, outgoing President sworn at ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25689 on:** January 21, 2021, 10:58:59 AM »

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25690 on:** January 21, 2021, 11:01:47 AM »

Hillbillies are now wearing short sleeve shirts?

Some misunderstood thing about the right to bare arms.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25691 on:** January 21, 2021, 11:14:38 AM »

The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25692 on:** January 21, 2021, 02:49:36 PM »

He: Why did you put on these high-heel shoes? It seems so inconvenient for you to walk.

She: I thought you liked tall girls.

He: I like clever girls.

She: That's why I'm wearing glasses...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25693 on:** January 21, 2021, 02:56:43 PM »

A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25694 on:** January 21, 2021, 03:00:52 PM »

Have you ever been to an AA meeting?
No wonder these people are alcoholics!

-- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25695 on:** January 21, 2021, 03:29:18 PM »

"You are a cheat!" roared the angry card player.
"I am not!!" responded the accused.
"You certainly are," insisted the first man. "I know for sure that I never dealt you that ace!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25696 on:** January 21, 2021, 03:42:21 PM »

After providing a 21 gun salute to the outgoing President, the American Military has been reprimanded for failing to take effective aim at him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25697 on:** January 21, 2021, 04:18:38 PM »

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25698 on:** January 21, 2021, 04:19:53 PM »

Three elderly people were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third one, a lady, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'She certainly looks good for her age.'"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25699 on:** January 21, 2021, 04:47:29 PM »

Because of his addiction to cricket, a wife said to her husband "I heard about your 'girlfriend', so here is my reply in a language you will surely understand: "It's OVER, because of your MAIDEN, ... BYE!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3050260 times)