Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Some friends of mine recently visited Rottnest Island.

They complained that the place stinks?

I think their report is just a quokka shit.

[ruSTynutz]

[Kev Murphy]

 Yep! A riot every Monday would really bring the point home.

[Kev Murphy]

Dave, at a New Year's party, turned to me and asked for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' I responded.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replied Dave with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'Phase one?' I wondered.
'Yeah,' laughed Dave, 'I've quit buying cigarettes.'

[Kev Murphy]

Australian bestiality porn is known for its high koala titty production values.
Some titles include Out back and the Tasmanal Devil. 
You won't roo your purchase. Watch as much as you Canberra.
If you haven't Adelaide in a while, don't worry.

[Kev Murphy]

“Weird Al” Yankovic rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

It would have gone viral.

[Kev Murphy]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.
A farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilbur!" the farmer yelled.
"Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilbur answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilbur thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "Where is your Pa, anyway?"

Wilbur replied, "Under the wagon."

[Kev Murphy]

Electric cars are silent by deaf ignition.

[Kev Murphy]

Just had a phonecall from 'Amazon'
Guy told me that their security has identified multiple attempts to log into my account.

I said "That was me, I cannot remember my password"

He said "Ok, I will be helping you... What is your password?"

I replied "Oh, I can't tell you that,  I was informed by Amazon to keep it private, and not share it with anybody!"

This went on back and forth until he finally cracked the whoopies and hung up. I wasted 10 minutes plus of his time...

Amazon account? WHAT Amazon account? 

[Kev Murphy]

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.

Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

[Kev Murphy]

There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective homes.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[Kev Murphy]

Little Johnny: "Great News! Teacher said we would have a test today, come rain or shine!"
Jane: "What’s so great about that?"
Little Johnny: 'It’s SNOWING outside!"

[Kev Murphy]

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 small box of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout girl looks at her, smiles, and says, 'Single, huh?'

The girl smiles sheepishly and replied, 'How'd you guess?'

She says, 'Because you're fat and ugly.'

[Kev Murphy]

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army hoping it would increase his confidence, but guess what they used to call him all through out boot camp? Matters only worsened later in his life. He could never get past the first date, no woman wanted someone with that name. Mockery turned to loneliness, loneliness to depression. Depressed through his twenties, he realised that unless he makes a change, nothing will ever come his way no matter how hard he tries. So, at the ripe age of 30 he decided to start over, get another chance at life, so he legally changed his name to Andrew.

[Kev Murphy]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.

'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.
Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

[Kev Murphy]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa, there woman.
The contract was only until death!'

[Kev Murphy]

What is it with scam callers? Another female claiming to be from Telstra.

Calling me, and asking for my name and account number?
Like, Telstra issued the account number, and they are calling me to give it to them?
I don't think so ...

[Kev Murphy]

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?

A1: 'Thanks Guys.'

[Kev Murphy]

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years. Tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . Four times yesterday afternoon, twice last night, and three times again this morning!"

[Kev Murphy]

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.
“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years, and I haven’t made it yet either.”

[Kev Murphy]

Two young boys were sitting outside a clinic. One was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for my blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No, but for the blood test, they will cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I am here for my urine test!

[Kev Murphy]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

[Kev Murphy]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things while they're still little, the'yre mean bastards when they grow up!!"

[Kev Murphy]

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting.
As with all government travellers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the centre seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through take off and meal service, until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

[Kev Murphy]

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.