Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2923455 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25450 on: January 14, 2021, 06:12:17 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25451 on: January 14, 2021, 06:59:55 PM »
I ordered two large fries at a takeaway, but they gave me dozens of little ones?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25452 on: January 14, 2021, 07:04:38 PM »
C'mon, Google! Get your act together!

I was  searching for PAWN Stars! You know, second-hand dealers?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25453 on: January 14, 2021, 07:17:13 PM »
 I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" ! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven"?

Little Johnny shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FREAKIN' DEAD FIRST!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25454 on: January 14, 2021, 07:58:59 PM »
Stupid driver ran a red light and failed to give way to me earlier.

I think he is suffering from 'car-owner' virus.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25455 on: January 14, 2021, 08:04:51 PM »
You should have given him a car- owner vaccination with your gatlin gun.
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25456 on: January 14, 2021, 08:55:42 PM »
A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting, and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." he replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back??" they inquired.

"A tough call", nodded the hunter. "But I figure no one's going to steal Henry!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25457 on: January 14, 2021, 09:13:01 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25458 on: January 14, 2021, 10:17:16 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25459 on: January 14, 2021, 11:19:22 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25460 on: January 14, 2021, 11:23:05 PM »
Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.

Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.

A teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of temptation, just ask yourself one question:
"Is an hour of pleasure worth what could end-up with a nasty disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame and regret? Now, are there any questions?"

One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked:
"Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour?"
« Last Edit: January 14, 2021, 11:48:12 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25461 on: January 15, 2021, 12:06:11 AM »
One sweet young thing in the back of the room then raised her hand and asked:
"Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour?"

I too would like to know how to make it last for an hour...  :grin :rofl


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25462 on: January 15, 2021, 12:35:04 AM »
So would the Teacher!  :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25463 on: January 15, 2021, 12:38:31 AM »
Looks like a stuff up with my pension payment. Usually in the bank a few minutes after midnight, but its not there yet? Better be there by morning, or I am in deep doodoo, as there is nothing left in the cupboards or fridge, and I only have enough food for the cats until lunchtime today!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25464 on: January 15, 2021, 01:32:29 AM »
All is well, pension is now in the bank, just 2 and a half hours later than normal. :runyay
Grocery shopping at 7.30 am and I will survive for another fortnight, lol.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25465 on: January 15, 2021, 01:41:05 AM »
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was picked up by an honest little boy who returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's odd? - When I lost my bag, I had a $50 bill in it.
Now there are two $20's, and one $10 notes?"

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25466 on: January 15, 2021, 05:52:01 AM »
Had some heavy showers a couple of hours ago, 8mm at the airport, 3mm in the gauge outside.
Road is still wet. 80% chance of more rain today and tomorrow.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25467 on: January 15, 2021, 06:13:16 AM »
If Only They Had A Jewish Mother ...
 

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already, and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph, and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25468 on: January 15, 2021, 10:26:48 AM »
Man And Society--Cicero's Philosophy
 

Rome's (of the Roman Empire) Cicero's (106 - 43 BC) philosophy is still valid even today, for any country of our globe:

1. The poor: work and work and work,


2. The rich: exploit the poor,


3. The soldier: protects both,


4. The taxpayer: pays for all three,


5. The wanderer: rests for all four,


6. The drunk: drinks for all five,


7. The banker: robs all six,


8. The lawyer: misleads all seven,


9. The doctor: kills all eight,


10. The undertaker: buries all nine,


11. The Politician: lives happily on the account of all ten.



Not too far from the truth, even today !!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25469 on: January 15, 2021, 10:32:04 AM »
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Saturday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to him,"

"Mike! -- Mike!" "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's Saturday football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Even better still, it's always spring time, and it never rains or snows here.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"See you at training on Tuesday!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25470 on: January 15, 2021, 10:36:40 AM »
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25471 on: January 15, 2021, 02:11:09 PM »
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.

She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request.

The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25472 on: January 15, 2021, 02:21:09 PM »
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here".

"How long is that" asks the girl?

"About three hundred and twenty years".
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25473 on: January 15, 2021, 03:00:55 PM »
Proof that Jesus was Australian:

* He wore thongs.
* He was a chippy, who like all good union members, didn't work on Sundays.
* His favourite pasttimes were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
* He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
* His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
* The only time he went to church as a young bloke, he got into a fight.
* He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
* He did a mean barbeque. 5000 people rock up, no wuckers, mate. Throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
* No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from, but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
* And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol, and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #25474 on: January 15, 2021, 03:05:52 PM »
Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings before they closed his account?"
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