Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3019451 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13150 on: August 01, 2019, 04:46:49 PM »
I asked a woman why she had filler pumped into her lips.

She said "fo I wook bepper".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13151 on: August 02, 2019, 01:19:42 AM »
When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked.

But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13152 on: August 02, 2019, 01:28:49 AM »
A guy walks into a pet shop and says: "I want 6 rats, 15 mice, 190 spiders, and a bucket of cockroaches."
The guy behind the counter lifts an eyebrow and asks: "Do you own snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving, and the real estate office asked to leave the house in the same condition as when I moved in"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13153 on: August 02, 2019, 04:16:31 AM »
Female Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."
Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13154 on: August 02, 2019, 04:22:40 AM »
God gave woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own



God gave woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones



God gave woman a pretty face
She hated it, so she put makeup on it



God gave women an elegant figure
She was not happy with this, so she put high heels



God gave woman exquisite breasts
She was displeased with this, so she put silicone ones.



My point is: If God was unable to satisfy woman, why the hell do we men even try?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13155 on: August 02, 2019, 09:40:39 AM »
I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.


But that’s just my two scents worth.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13156 on: August 02, 2019, 10:00:59 AM »
Last time I bought deodorant, the woman asked "Do you want the roll-on ball type?"

I replied "No, its for my armpits!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13157 on: August 02, 2019, 11:06:24 AM »
On the news this morning. Wold Dog Surfing Championships.


WTF??????

  :grin
« Last Edit: August 02, 2019, 11:25:38 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13158 on: August 02, 2019, 06:25:04 PM »
My Dentist would make a great Magistrate,

because he wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13159 on: August 02, 2019, 06:28:04 PM »
Does he wear an artificial crown?
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13160 on: August 02, 2019, 06:34:18 PM »
No, but he braces himself for the rush each day.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13161 on: August 02, 2019, 06:41:13 PM »
A terrorist detonated a grenade in a church.

It has been called an act of Mass- disruption.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13162 on: August 02, 2019, 06:52:57 PM »
What is the difference between Donald Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talked about for decades to come. An explosion of hubris simultaneously tragic and farcical that it made commentators fear for Humanity.



The other was a rigid airship constructed in Friedrichshafen, Germany.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13163 on: August 03, 2019, 01:28:33 AM »
A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements.
Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometre radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.

One day, a couple of Friars opened another greenhouse and flower shop right across the street!
Their products took time to be recognised by the local market, as the Nuns had a tight grip; but gradually the Friars started taking business.

Seeing that they were not going to have a successful business soon, the Nuns decided to push the Friars out of the community.
First they snuck into their shop one night and started a fire. The community volunteer firefighters were able to extinguish it quickly, with little damages.
 
Then the Nuns tried to tarnish the Friars reputation by spreading rumours about their Flowers supposedly being GMO abominations.
Customers saw through this, and the rumours dissipated quickly.

Finally, the Nuns hired a local thug named Hugh, who had a panache for destruction.
He took a weed-whacker to the Friars shop, then drove his truck through the front door, spraying herbicide over everything.

The Friars, of course, had no option but to pack up and leave town; leaving the Nuns to their flower monopoly.
... Leaving us to realise that Hugh, and ONLY Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13164 on: August 03, 2019, 06:44:39 AM »
I finally understand why Toblerone chocolate is shaped like a triangle.


It's so that it'll fit inside that funny shaped box.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13165 on: August 03, 2019, 10:06:15 AM »
My buddy won over a woman, just by sending her a card on Valentines Day.

Only had One word on it.



Visa!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13166 on: August 03, 2019, 10:06:34 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13167 on: August 03, 2019, 10:55:52 AM »
Seeing as I am unable to leave this flat at present, my twisted sense of productivity has kicked in...

https://youtu.be/Dj2OVZdtRJs
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13168 on: August 03, 2019, 11:10:44 AM »
Actually, that is one of my favourite songs...  'De hill Sarah live'  :grin
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13169 on: August 03, 2019, 11:17:00 AM »
So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...
...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me.
I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works."
The doc responds with "Hmmm, well, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed.
Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever."

The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves.
Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks.

Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure".
He then says to the woman, "It's called keeping your mouth shut."
I can't walk past this one.

The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

Domestic Violence is no joke, and there no excuse for it. Ever.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13170 on: August 03, 2019, 04:41:45 PM »
When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.


When money was ok, I'd bathe in the summer, too..
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13171 on: August 03, 2019, 04:45:26 PM »
To celebrate the end of winter, Harvey Norman is having a spring sale.


There's no reduction in the price of the rest of rest of the bed, though.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13172 on: August 03, 2019, 04:52:31 PM »
A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"


A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13173 on: August 03, 2019, 06:45:39 PM »
It is black humour Gary, yes.
Too black mate.

I know victims and they aren't laughing.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13174 on: August 03, 2019, 06:50:49 PM »
Removed, Gary.
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