Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3021837 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18625 on:** May 31, 2020, 05:27:59 PM »

My grandfather said I'm far too reliant on modern technology.

So I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18626 on:** May 31, 2020, 07:50:59 PM »

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18627 on:** May 31, 2020, 07:53:57 PM »

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18628 on:** May 31, 2020, 07:56:09 PM »

A major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It must be true.

Damned if I can remember the last time I ate a monkey?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18629 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:23:20 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18630 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:27:19 PM »

I got a silly email asking me to register for 'Dry July'

Not much point, as I haven't had any alcohol for about 15 years??

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18631 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:30:05 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18632 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:33:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18633 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:41:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18634 on:** May 31, 2020, 09:59:39 PM »

Congratulations to the two Astronauts who left Earth today.

Good choice!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18635 on:** June 01, 2020, 12:53:25 AM »

6.4 mm of rain in the past hour

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18636 on:** June 01, 2020, 12:55:30 AM »

I got a silly email asking me to register for 'Dry July'

Not much point, as I haven't had any alcohol for about 15 years?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18637 on:** June 01, 2020, 03:17:01 AM »

Now 9.2 mm of rain since midnight.

Never mind Dry July, its already a wet June.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #18638 on:** June 01, 2020, 10:26:34 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 01, 2020, 12:55:30 AM

I got a silly email asking me to register for 'Dry July'

Not much point, as I haven't had any alcohol for about 15 years?

Should be a breeze then, Kev!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18639 on:** June 01, 2020, 11:08:53 AM »

11 am. Still light sprinkles here, but not enough to register in the rain gauge since 9am.
Damned cold, too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18640 on:** June 01, 2020, 04:22:43 PM »

They have invented a car that will get 250 miles per gallon.

Apparently it runs on April Fuel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18641 on:** June 01, 2020, 04:25:54 PM »

In the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up. The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.
The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoosshh whooosshh whoooossshhh whoooossshhh.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18642 on:** June 01, 2020, 04:43:29 PM »

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal immigrant in the bushes right by the border fence in Texas, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican pleaded with him, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence."
The Mexican, of course, agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow.......Now use all them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

I think that Mexican is now employed by Microsoft, I'm pretty sure he was the one I spoke to when they said to contact them, when they informed me that my computer was sending a virus.....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18643 on:** June 01, 2020, 07:22:05 PM »

The latest word is that Iraq is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq, to defend against a northern invasion.

Experts say that if it's successful, this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18644 on:** June 01, 2020, 09:34:03 PM »

A man went to his doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally managed to say,
"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announced the proud physician,
"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription, and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"I dunno" replied the man, "I haven't been home yet."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18645 on:** June 02, 2020, 06:08:25 AM »

Only another 5 months until the Divided States of America go to the polls again.

Shillas · « **Reply #18646 on:** June 02, 2020, 10:17:13 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 01, 2020, 04:43:29 PM

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal immigrant in the bushes right by the border fence in Texas, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican pleaded with him, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence."
The Mexican, of course, agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow.......Now use all them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

I think that Mexican is now employed by Microsoft, I'm pretty sure he was the one I spoke to when they said to contact them, when they informed me that my computer was sending a virus.....

With recent events in the USA, Mexico has now announced that they will pay for and build the wall.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18647 on:** June 02, 2020, 12:01:32 PM »

I have had enough of this covid bullshit.

I had to attend 4 separate servos today to get fuel, because the first 3 only have 'contactless' service.
I do not have a debit or credit card, or a smartphone, and deal in cash only.
Since when has it been 'illegal' to use printed and minted money that is manufactured and distributed by the Federal Government?

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #18648 on:** June 02, 2020, 01:09:24 PM »

No such issues up our way, Kev...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #18649 on:** June 02, 2020, 01:13:46 PM »

Good!

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3021837 times)