Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924315 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16275 on: January 27, 2020, 11:15:45 PM »
My grandad stopped smoking 3 weeks ago...

....But we only received his ashes today!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16276 on: January 28, 2020, 12:08:40 AM »
The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week.

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16277 on: January 28, 2020, 12:10:00 AM »
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”



His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16278 on: January 28, 2020, 12:15:08 AM »
They say don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.


But it’s been 2 weeks now, and I am damn near starving!
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Offline West Aussie Glen

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16279 on: January 28, 2020, 10:51:44 AM »
Money talks.

Millionaire basketball hero and daughter die in helicopter crash ... hours and hours of repeated TV news coverage.

Volunteer Firefighters die ... ten minutes news snippet.
And very little mention of the other 7 people
Glen
Sold
1948 James 98cc 2 Speed, 1969 Suzuki A100-2
1970 Suzuki T250 Hustler, Honda CL100
Yamaha RD250C, 1985 Kawasaki GPZ250
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In the shed
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16280 on: January 28, 2020, 01:04:54 PM »
Too true!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16281 on: January 28, 2020, 01:10:49 PM »
So, sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive?


...but my dentist just got annoyed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16282 on: January 28, 2020, 04:08:26 PM »
How the Internet started, according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

It's gotta be true, you just can’t make this stuff up!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16283 on: January 28, 2020, 04:45:16 PM »
TLDR

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16284 on: January 28, 2020, 04:59:41 PM »
Actually, IMO, the whole bible comes under TLDR
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16285 on: January 28, 2020, 06:53:53 PM »
My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise.

"Does sex count as exercise?" I asked.

"Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"Well then, no!" I said
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16286 on: January 28, 2020, 06:55:56 PM »
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track.

It's kind of.. Kung Fu sing.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16287 on: January 28, 2020, 06:58:10 PM »
25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness.

25%! ... That's horrifying!

It means that 75% of them are running around untreated!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16288 on: January 28, 2020, 09:20:29 PM »
Hooters have an odd way of employing female staff.

There's no application form, they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16289 on: January 29, 2020, 05:15:59 AM »
They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16290 on: January 29, 2020, 05:56:52 AM »
Three months.... in your dreams.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16291 on: January 29, 2020, 06:16:48 AM »
Contrary to popular opinion, Doctors actually promote a sedentary life style.

... just look in any waiting room.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16292 on: January 29, 2020, 06:19:02 AM »
Three months.... in your dreams.

(In my case, its more than 8 years ... but who's counting?)
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16293 on: January 29, 2020, 08:43:55 AM »
You by the sounds of it.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16294 on: January 29, 2020, 09:31:50 AM »
 :rofl not really, just that I remember going on a major 7 week long tour to celebrate having that partner out of my life at last  :grin

I remember the tour.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16295 on: January 29, 2020, 06:56:05 PM »
Passengers on a cruise ship spotted a man jumping up and down, waving furiously, while standing next to a smoking bonfire on the beach of a small island.

They rushed to the captain with this information.

"What do you think this guy is doing there?" they asked.

The captain replied "I dunno?... he does this every October when we sail past!"
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16296 on: January 29, 2020, 06:56:46 PM »
"But now I have more than enough with my two pussy's" said in a Mrs Slocumbe voice.  :rofl


 :Norty
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16297 on: January 29, 2020, 07:04:02 PM »
My grandfather used to collect horse manure to put on his rhubarb.

I tried it once, but I definitely prefer custard.
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16298 on: January 29, 2020, 10:04:38 PM »
You know, there's this thing that you blow in, and make a wish? ... It could change your whole life!


It's called a breathalyser.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #16299 on: January 30, 2020, 11:01:25 AM »
Do cowgirls have bowed legs because cowboys eat with their hats on?
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