Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3067757 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13475 on: August 20, 2019, 08:05:26 AM »
Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.

The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later.

The diver goes 15 feet deeper, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.

The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13476 on: August 20, 2019, 10:53:43 AM »
Lifeguard said to a swimmer at the pool "We are going to ban you, because you peed in the pool!"

The guy replied "It's a natural reflex, a lot of people pee in the pool?"

Lifeguard "Not from the diving board, they don't!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13477 on: August 20, 2019, 03:18:02 PM »
Here's an update on the mates loss of NBN last Thursday.
The cable exits a pit, and then up the pole to cross the road and service several houses on the other side.
Remember, Telstra claim they had no fault.

Photo taken a few doors away on the opposite side of the road.
Damage was caused by a council mower while cutting the grass.



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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13478 on: August 20, 2019, 03:38:02 PM »
They say penis size is related to shoe size?



... that makes the fear of clowns even worse
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13479 on: August 20, 2019, 05:37:23 PM »
Another chilly afternoon...

5.30 pm
Portland   12.2°C
Feels Like   0.8°C

Westerly at 59 km/h, rising, with wind gusting to 72km/h
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13480 on: August 20, 2019, 05:43:11 PM »
They always say 'It's not the size that matters.'


... Probably why I lost my job at the shoe shop.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13481 on: August 20, 2019, 05:44:18 PM »
You need to do some sole searching me thinks.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13482 on: August 20, 2019, 05:49:57 PM »
An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.
Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

What is that?

This? An apple.

Ha Ha! Apples in America grow 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

American asks:

What's that sir?

This is a carrot.

Ha haaa! In America we grow carrots 4 bigger than that!!

Couple hours go by, Polish farmer feels hungry again, so he takes a watermelon out of his bag.

American asks:

Whoa, what is that?

In a very irritated tone, Polish farmer answers:

You don't grow peas in America?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13483 on: August 20, 2019, 05:56:03 PM »
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

Small, round, thin,

... thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...
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Offline Biggles

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13484 on: August 20, 2019, 06:11:58 PM »
Not without applications in triplicate, and multiple delayed appointments, and a long wait for the letter, only to be backdated, along with an appointment, which you've then missed, and being breached.

I can vouch for that.  I figured we should be eligible for a tiny bit of a pension and spent six months filling in paperwork and supplying copies of documents only to have the gummint lower the threshold so we were still deemed to be too wealthy.
For the modern man who lives in the city, riding a bike might be one of the only ways to escape the humdrum monotony. To take off and ride. To be both at one with nature and one with the bike. To feel masculine. Adam Piggott

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13485 on: August 20, 2019, 07:25:51 PM »
Too true!  Even tho the doctor banned me from working due to my buggered knee and limited mobility, I was put onto Newstart, and had to attend multiple job interviews for positions that I had no hope of obtaining each fortnight for two and a half years, until I reached retirement age.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13486 on: August 20, 2019, 07:35:52 PM »
Current online catalogue from The Reject Shop has a slight problem on multiple pages.. click on picture to enlarge, and look at the quoted prices!

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13487 on: August 21, 2019, 02:36:18 AM »
Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...
Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13488 on: August 21, 2019, 03:01:32 AM »
Was down the street when I saw someone getting beaten up by 3 guys.
I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.
When I got there, the 4 of us messed him up pretty good.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13489 on: August 21, 2019, 04:49:06 AM »
Current online catalogue from The Reject Shop has a slight problem on multiple pages.. click on picture to enlarge, and look at the quoted prices!


I have a turntable briefcase thing similar to that one.  I'm guessing hardly anyone in Australia has heard of Surreal Estate.

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13490 on: August 21, 2019, 05:25:18 AM »
I bet your player wasn't priced at almost $6000 tho.  :grin
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13491 on: August 21, 2019, 05:33:20 AM »
No it wasn't.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13492 on: August 21, 2019, 02:23:08 PM »
A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.


ow
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Bodų

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13493 on: August 21, 2019, 02:32:46 PM »
Some fans can get too close for comfort.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13494 on: August 21, 2019, 03:29:10 PM »
After todays appeal hearing, seems that rockspider Pell got everything bass - ackwards yet again.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13495 on: August 21, 2019, 03:38:07 PM »
I don't understand why the Middle East is not leading the world in wind energy?


... they have almost one turban per person.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13496 on: August 21, 2019, 05:41:11 PM »
Most families are depicted by a tree.

Trump doesn't have a family tree, but a cactus.

They are all pricks.
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Offline ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13497 on: August 21, 2019, 08:37:33 PM »
A crow got cut in half by a wind turbine.


ow

Wouldn't that be FU?  :rofl


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13498 on: August 21, 2019, 08:42:34 PM »
.. close enough!  :grin
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13499 on: August 21, 2019, 11:22:56 PM »
A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside.
This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. 
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people.
They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected.

Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.
Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it
should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective
box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the
new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the
factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number
of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with
projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!
The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.
He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line
where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new
$8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off
the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it
there because he was tired of walking over, removing the empty box and
re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
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