Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3067859 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13500 on: August 21, 2019, 11:35:56 PM »
Are we not too trusting if we use a toothpaste that '9 out of 10 Dentists recommend'?

After all, the only way dentists make money, is from bad teeth?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13501 on: August 21, 2019, 11:40:23 PM »
He went to the doctor for treatment for a rash...
Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Him: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Him: No, Steven is my roommate.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13502 on: August 22, 2019, 03:32:55 AM »
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13503 on: August 22, 2019, 08:43:07 AM »
How to fall down stairs:

Step 1

Step 2

Step 6

Step 14
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13504 on: August 22, 2019, 08:47:14 AM »
Gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated after death.


She made an appointment for me, for next Tuesday afternoon.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13505 on: August 22, 2019, 08:48:51 AM »
Pointless instructions on Parkinson's Medication.


Shake well before use.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13506 on: August 22, 2019, 08:49:57 AM »
How to make money with your Facebook account:


1. Open settings

2. Delete your account

3. Start working
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Offline alans1100

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13507 on: August 22, 2019, 01:10:02 PM »
1999 :bl11  2004 :13Candy

FarRider #921- BR15, BR17, CR1

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13508 on: August 22, 2019, 01:11:49 PM »
 :rofl :thumb
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13509 on: August 22, 2019, 01:58:55 PM »
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Online Wild Rose

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13510 on: August 22, 2019, 02:27:14 PM »
Gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated after death.


She made an appointment for me, for next Tuesday afternoon.

my wife asked me for my lipstick out of her bag i accidentally grabbed the glue stick she hasn't talked to me for a week
Leo (Wild Rose)
Honda ST 1300
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:rd13       :blk13                            :Spyder
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Ulysses #49154
FarRider #243
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13511 on: August 22, 2019, 02:42:15 PM »
 :crackup
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13512 on: August 22, 2019, 02:44:54 PM »
Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play, I try to get in the spirit.
When they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates.

Can’t wait for this Colombian game!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13513 on: August 22, 2019, 02:48:31 PM »
A blonde joined a Mexican cartel.

They sent her to Colombia to get coke.

She brought back Pepsi.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13514 on: August 22, 2019, 02:49:44 PM »
One of the joys of parenthood is snuggling into your child's bed with them when there's a thunderstorm to make sure they aren't frightened...


Although my daughter has started hinting that she and her husband can manage perfectly well on their own.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13515 on: August 22, 2019, 05:24:36 PM »
Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play, I try to get in the spirit.
When they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates.

Can’t wait for this Colombian game!

That was so last year.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13516 on: August 22, 2019, 10:29:41 PM »
During the annual cavemen convention ...


Grog : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this .
I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender

Grog " that's not it ,chief "

And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand

" What I'm about to do will blow your mind "
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13517 on: August 22, 2019, 10:32:11 PM »
It was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made.

The telephone.

Who u gonna call?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13518 on: August 22, 2019, 10:34:19 PM »
Before the crowbar was invented....


... Did Crows have to do their drinking at home?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13519 on: August 23, 2019, 03:22:20 AM »
Within a month of Trump taking office, NASA has discovered 10 earth like planets...


They say necessity is the mother of invention !!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13520 on: August 23, 2019, 06:02:40 PM »
Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang.
Their last assignment was to terrorise some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.


They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived.
He had the four skins immediately removed, before they caused any trouble.
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13521 on: August 23, 2019, 06:03:28 PM »
Pricks !
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13522 on: August 23, 2019, 06:10:29 PM »
This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek!
Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks, and this guy shows up outta nowhere, and wants a free car?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13523 on: August 23, 2019, 06:18:09 PM »
Three stages of life

The first stage.

You party all night, and you look okay next morning.

The second stage.

You party all night, and in the morning you look a bit ragged.

The third stage.

You go to bed early, but in the morning you look as tho you partied all night.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13524 on: August 23, 2019, 06:24:28 PM »
Bloke in a wheelchair was on stage telling jokes.

I was mislead, it was supposed to be a stand-up comedy night.
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