Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3069044 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13550 on: August 25, 2019, 09:54:55 AM »
Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
... Throw your washing in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on one of my socks."


By the way, I was born an epileptic, and was on phenobarb for the first 10 years of my life, had my last fit at primary school when aged about 11.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2019, 10:02:14 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13551 on: August 25, 2019, 10:05:11 AM »
I know a lot of jokes about dole bludgers.

But none of them work
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13552 on: August 25, 2019, 10:08:44 AM »
Dealing with centrelink is a job in itself.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13553 on: August 25, 2019, 10:23:51 AM »
A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing.
But he can't find what he's looking for, and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says.

The guy tries again. "Medias?" He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines," he says.

And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the socks section.

The Spanish guy, excited, nods his head, points and shouts, "Eso sí que es!"

The salesperson's jaw drops and he says, "Well, why didn't you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13554 on: August 25, 2019, 10:29:02 AM »

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver. (Open attachment)
« Last Edit: August 25, 2019, 10:36:48 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13555 on: August 25, 2019, 05:04:48 PM »
Odd fact for today.



Not mine, she can hardly be bothered to get out of bed some days.  :p
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13556 on: August 25, 2019, 05:12:37 PM »
My two suffer from the same lack of sporting enthusiasm STeveo, they prefer to lay in front of the cat magnet (heater), to entice me to turn it on. :grin
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13557 on: August 25, 2019, 05:19:46 PM »
Not mine, she can hardly be bothered to get out of bed some days.  :p

Sounds like me... :crackup


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13558 on: August 25, 2019, 05:28:49 PM »
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island, New York, after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?"

The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favourite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!"

The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!"

The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror.

"Yin. Yin. Yyy...inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!"

After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to--"

But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a _gin_, please."

The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that _gin_, sure thing. What would you like it with?"

The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13559 on: August 25, 2019, 11:02:56 PM »
Hanging in the hallway at a high school are the football team pictures from the past decades.
A player in the centre of the front row in each picture holds a football identifying the year -- "92-93," "93-94," "94-95," etc.

One day the principal spotted a blonde student looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to the principal, she said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13560 on: August 26, 2019, 04:45:21 AM »
There was a man so obsessed with gold....

He woke up in his golden bed,

put on his golden slippers and his golden robe,

and walked down his golden hallway, on his golden carpet, and into his golden bathroom.

He grabbed his golden mug,

filled it with water (which would be golden too, if he could do it), drank it,
and set it on his golden sink,

and then he had a golden shower. (no pun intended)

He then dried off with his golden towel,

put on his clothes,

and left the White House.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13561 on: August 26, 2019, 08:25:18 AM »
Two loud Blondes were sitting at a table having lunch.

The waiter came to the table and asked:

 " ... is anything alright here?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13562 on: August 26, 2019, 10:33:11 AM »
My girlfriend is cheating on me.

She said that she went out with her friend Jane last night.

I know that she lied, because Jane was with me all night!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13563 on: August 26, 2019, 05:25:45 PM »
I would like to put on record my appreciation for the unsung heroes in orchestras who play the triangle.


Thanks for every ting...
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13564 on: August 26, 2019, 05:41:14 PM »
Blonde ...

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13565 on: August 26, 2019, 05:46:42 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13566 on: August 26, 2019, 06:11:26 PM »
I would like to put on record my appreciation for the unsung heroes in orchestras who play the triangle.
Thanks for every ting...

I think I've head this before.  It rings a bell.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13567 on: August 26, 2019, 08:54:16 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13568 on: August 26, 2019, 10:38:59 PM »
Walking down a quiet road the other day, he noticed there was a house on fire, and people screaming inside.
He ran to the front door and shouted, "How many of you are there?"

"Four!" shouted a man.

"What ages?" He shouted.

"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.

"Excellent!," He replied. "Excellent!."

"So what are you doing?, Aren't you going to do anything?... HELP!"

He yelled back, "Of course not, it's people like you that keep journalists like me alive!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13569 on: August 26, 2019, 10:41:15 PM »
I would like to put on record my appreciation for the unsung heroes in orchestras who play the triangle.
Thanks for every ting...

I think I've head this before.  It rings a bell.

The triangle player has so much responsibility... because the whole orchestra will blame him if any ting goes wrong!
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13570 on: August 26, 2019, 10:46:11 PM »
Whoever coined the phrase, "As quiet as a mouse" has obviously never stepped on one.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13571 on: August 27, 2019, 04:01:13 AM »
What’s as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine designed and built to cut apples into four pieces.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13572 on: August 27, 2019, 09:17:26 AM »
The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles, cleverly called Formula Zero,

 ....or GTF0.

????

Might have to rethink that acronym.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13573 on: August 27, 2019, 12:12:08 PM »
 Todays telemarketer response...

11.13 am
'Overseas' displayed... ignored.

11.28 am
'Overseas' displayed... ignored.

11.34 am
'Overseas' displayed... ignored.

11.39
'Overseas' displayed

Cued the Benny Hill theme tune, picked up the phone and placed it in front of the sub woofer, set bass to max and hit 'play'

No further calls in the past 30 minutes

 :thumbs
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13574 on: August 27, 2019, 12:18:58 PM »
If we move to a herb-based fuel economy, can we make the trains run on thyme?
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