Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2926465 times)

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13525 on: August 23, 2019, 06:26:40 PM »
Is stage-diving at Oktoberfest called Krautsurfing?
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13526 on: August 23, 2019, 07:59:24 PM »
Trumps three stages of writing a paper:


1. Putin it off

2. Stalin

3. Russian to finish
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13527 on: August 23, 2019, 08:46:38 PM »
Just finished my botox injections, do you like my new, happy, vibrant smile?

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13528 on: August 23, 2019, 10:44:08 PM »
"Make America Great Again!"

Yep, you sure have a way of unifying the people.
Against you.
However, learn to spell 'Grate' correctly.

Oh, and your Twitter account has been renamed as a 'Twat' account.



« Last Edit: August 23, 2019, 10:56:29 PM by Kev Murphy »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13529 on: August 24, 2019, 02:14:13 AM »
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Kenya at the Carnivore Restaurant and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Kikuyu man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the Professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz Improvisation with his band around the B flat minor Chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13530 on: August 24, 2019, 04:28:58 AM »
Odd fact for today.



0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13531 on: August 24, 2019, 03:49:31 PM »
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13532 on: August 24, 2019, 03:54:21 PM »
Always cook kale in coconut oil.


... Makes it easier to slide it off the plate straight into the trash.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13533 on: August 24, 2019, 04:05:18 PM »
A man said to his wife "You've been watching the food channel for years, and you still can't cook ...?"

"Honey," she replies, "Just remember how many years you have been watching porn!"
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13534 on: August 24, 2019, 04:11:32 PM »
A blonde called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh... just a minute...”

She said, “Thanks!” ... and immediately hung up.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13535 on: August 24, 2019, 11:49:35 PM »
My wife cooks dinner for me. She treats me like a god....


....Everything is either burnt offerings, or a bloody sacrifice.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13536 on: August 24, 2019, 11:53:38 PM »
The chef at the local hotel got his hand caught in the dish-washer.


They were both fired.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13537 on: August 25, 2019, 12:02:11 AM »
What did the Jedi Knight say to his ex wife as they left the courthouse?


May divorce be with you.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13538 on: August 25, 2019, 12:04:06 AM »
My ex wife used to belt me with stringed instruments.


If only I had found out earlier that she had a history of violins
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13539 on: August 25, 2019, 12:07:07 AM »
An Avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his gear ready for an upcoming hunting and fishing trip.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You are starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13540 on: August 25, 2019, 12:11:26 AM »
The Kardashians put most of their time and energy into one store.


Photoshop.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13541 on: August 25, 2019, 12:18:03 AM »
Five litres of petrol contains roughly the same amount of energy that is required for a human to live 50 years.

Therefore, if you chug five litres of petrol, you'll never have to eat for the rest of your life!
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13542 on: August 25, 2019, 12:24:11 AM »
Germany now has one of the highest renewable energy ratings in the world.

They use way less gas than they did 80 years ago.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13543 on: August 25, 2019, 04:07:53 AM »
28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.


They're awaiting their sentence.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13544 on: August 25, 2019, 04:12:57 AM »
The quantity of consonants in the American-English language is constant.

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.

When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13545 on: August 25, 2019, 04:17:49 AM »
I asked a friend "Whats your I P address?"

He replied "Down the hallway, second door on the left!"
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13546 on: August 25, 2019, 04:19:41 AM »
I was walking down the street when I passed a Telstra technician near his van, and he asked me what time it was?

I said “It’s between 8am and 1pm”
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Bodø

  • Guest
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13547 on: August 25, 2019, 04:56:21 AM »
A few years ago two drunks got on at Colonnades and caught my 734 to Marion which is a trip start to finish.  One of them wouldn't shut up and kept going on "this driver doesn't know where we're going.  We're going left, then right and left again.  We'll be in Melbourne at this rate..." and it went on for the whole trip.

When we got to the terminus there were those two and a lady who had also been on for most of the trip.  This guy who wouldn't shut up as he gets off says "hey driver, can you tell me the time?" to which I responded 7:45.  The lady then quietly says to me "I make it out to be 7:15".

Me:  He thinks we're in Melbourne so I gave him Melbourne time.  She giggled and said fair enough.
 
The following users thanked this post: Wild Rose, Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13548 on: August 25, 2019, 07:56:24 AM »
 :rofl  :thumbsup
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94872
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13549 on: August 25, 2019, 09:52:15 AM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com