Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[STeveo]

You know your old when your back goes out more than you do,
-Phyllis Diller.

[STeveo]

   Bloody good ones Kev.    Keep them coming, please.   

[Wild Rose]

 

[Biggles]

Looks like it works for you.  I'll keep my ears where they are, thankyou.

[StinkyPete]

I love the piano gag.   Victor Borge was a legend on the piano.   

[Biggles]

Just had a  from a woman asking if I had the new ‘Star Wars’ movie yet?

You lend out your hard drives?

[alans1100]

The story of the angel


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee Elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the Reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the Elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the Mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[alans1100]

If I go through my Junk folder I reckon I'll find that someone will want to give me more than $20 million plus with all the lotteries that I won and never entered.

Sometimes (for the fun) I reply and tell then to take out what ever it is I owe and send it to my Pay Pal account since they have the email address anyway.

[STroppy]

A Pommy bloke calls at Australia House in London to get a visa to visit family in Australia.
 
Bloke behind the counter asks "do you have a criminal record ?
 
Pommy bloke sighs and asks,
 
" Is that STILL a requirement......? "   

[STroppy]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

* * * * * * * * * *

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....

the driver won £52!

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says “Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?

Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

* * * * * * * * * *

Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

* * * * * * * * * *

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

** * * * * * * * *

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil

********************

Paddy says to Mick - I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different, 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant, 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[Gadget]

Whale oil beef hooked!

(Read it out loud quickly)

[Gadget]

Thanks STroppy I've been waiting for an opportunity to use it.

[STroppy]

Yes a very, very old one . . First seen by me back in the early 1960's . . . But still a laugh . .

[STroppy]

And a Very Merry Christmas to you too Kev . . . A couple of nice pussies to keep you company over the festive season . . All the best for 2016 . . . Hope to catch up with you on a ride or three . .

      

[STroppy]

Just got woken by a rowdy clatter across the roof.

Somehow, I don't think it was Santa... sounded more like an empty stubbie...

Go back to sleep!

[STroppy]

Terry, how the hell can I sleep with rowdy drunken teens wandering the streets? (at least they aren't driving home.)

Three or four stubbies might do it . . .

Nice tree . .

[Gadget]

Hope it gets there soon. Last I read a few minutes ago 54 homes lost around Lorne.

[STeveo]

 

[Shiney]

Sounds like a '~' memorable trip

[alans1100]

I did not invent this story, it actually happened, and the name of the ~ town is genuine.

It's German so in English it's Ficken

[Biggles]

I have two choices for dinner tonight.






Yes, or No.

Play safe.

[Biggles]

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

[StinkyPete]

What a farce ... Dental Emergency Clinic, local Hospital...... closed from last Wednesday until Monday, 4th Jan
Even the front desk office staff were unaware that the dental service is currently closed, I had to walk down there to find out for myself.

3 smashed teeth and raw tooth nerves, can't eat, can't sleep...
What part of “Emergency” are they pretending to be part of?

While it won't help your current emergency, write a  polite snail mail letter to the Victorian Minister for Health, pointing out this failure in his health services.   Such evidence based advocacy is usually taken seriously, and the health minister wont know what's not happening unless you tell him.   His crawling minions probably won't tell him that there is a failure in the department, for fear of jepardising their own slither to the top of their own small heap.

[STroppy]

_ Pass me the corkscrew!

Get your own effin Cork n stop callin me Screw! 

[Biggles]

Wow!  The guy in the second car would be sweating there wouldn't be a fourth!


And NO Starwars jokes.  You're supposed to be suffering from toothache.