Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

It was so cold last night, I didn't take a shower.

I hoovered myself instead.

Not sure if I want one slice of milk for lunch, or two.

[Shillas]

I went to the doctor yesterday about my hearing problems.

He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?".

I said, "Homer is a fat dude, and Marge has blue hair".

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,

“How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a hundred feet, unless somebody remembers to lock the gate at night!”

[Shillas]

  

[Kev Murphy]

"Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why?"

" 'Cos Dad said that when you croak, he's gonna take us to DisneyLand!"

[Kev Murphy]

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently,
but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please
come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS:
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his
neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a
subsequent message from his neighbour.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology
hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

[Kev Murphy]

"Hey Honey, I made you some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today."

"You did what?!"

"Made you some brownies, you deaf idiot"

[Kev Murphy]

I went to get my hair cut today,
.. But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

Best Barber Queue ever!!

[Kev Murphy]

At the movie theatre, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.
“Excuse me,” she says, "did I step on your foot on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

[Kev Murphy]

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird.

"Sir, we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well, it' s flying at about mach 2."

[Kev Murphy]

Back in 1920's...
...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says,

"Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here."

"What do you mean?" she answers confused.

"Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews'

"Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish."

"Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions...Who is our Lord and Savior?"

"Why, Jesus, of course..." she answers without hesitation.

"Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks.

"In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger."

"Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde lost her chequebook...

When she reported this to her bank manager, he scolded her: "You need to be more careful. Someone could forge your signature, and steal your money!"

She assured him, "Nah!, I already signed all my cheques, so there's no space to forge my name"

[Kev Murphy]

A telemarketer calls a house, and a little boy answers the phone.

"Hello, little boy, is your father home?"

"No.

"Well, is your mother home?"

"No."

"Well, is there anyone else here I can speak to about an incredible opportunity?"

"Um, my sister's here."

"Can I speak to your sister, then?"

"Sure".

The boy puts down the phone and there's mostly silence for the next 5 minutes. Then the boy returns to the phone.

"Sorry, but my sister can't come to the phone right now."

"Oh, unfortunate. Why not?"

"I can't get her our of her crib"

[Kev Murphy]

Confucius say....

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, not know when he coming or going"

[Kev Murphy]

Bloke was suffering from erectile dysfunction and bad hearing, but he responded to the TV ads and went to the Red Cross to register as a dud boner....

[Kev Murphy]

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat, but my friend told me that they are really expensive...

So I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together...

[Kev Murphy]

Before I die, I’m going to consume multiple bags of popcorn kernels.


My cremation will be epic!

[Bodø]

Over the years you probably already have achieved the first sentence.

[Kev Murphy]

I just got a great new job, I am helping out a one-armed typist.

Whenever she wants to type capital letters, I step in.

It's shift work...

[Bodø]

Who steps in for @#%^&* etc.?

[Kev Murphy]

I sub-contracted that job out. 

[Kev Murphy]

They always say Murder is a capital of Fence, Kidnapping is a capital of Fence, Treason is a capital of Fence... and the names? Geeze, not very inviting places.

Where the hell is Fence, anyway?

[Kev Murphy]

Todays Email scam.

From Bitcoin ... claims that I have 8,765.67 EUR ($14,178.63 Australian) for collection.

Blocked, and bounced the email back to the sender as 'unable to deliver-recipient does not exist'

[Bodø]

They always say Murder is a capital of Fence, Kidnapping is a capital of Fence, Treason is a capital of Fence... and the names? Geeze, not very inviting places.

Where the hell is Fence, anyway?

Actually it is spelled Fënz and it's in Luxembourg.