Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921865 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13975 on: September 15, 2019, 03:58:28 AM »
Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”.

“Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13976 on: September 15, 2019, 03:59:36 AM »
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night, and they didn't buy me a single drink all evening..

Talk about short arms, long pockets...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13977 on: September 15, 2019, 04:08:32 AM »
A couple are driving home one evening and hit a skunk.
They get out the car and find it injured and freezing cold, so they decide to take it to the vet.

The husband said, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

Wife replied "But its all wet, and it stinks!"

The husband said; "He'll get used to it, I did!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13978 on: September 15, 2019, 04:10:45 AM »
I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.
In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 27 came to my table and asked, "Are you alone?"

I smiled and nodded.

She took the other chair back to her table.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13979 on: September 15, 2019, 04:20:20 AM »
Two guys were high on weed late one evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food.
However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"What?"

"Going backwards, of course."

So they went backwards around the roundabout. Several times. Then the inevitable happened and they reversed into another car.
Although there is no major damage to either car, they try to think about what to do.

Two minutes later, the cops turn up. The officer goes to the car they hit, and had a chat to the driver before he came to their car.

He said: "Just carry on lads. This guy who rear-ended you is so drunk, he claims you were going backwards."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13980 on: September 15, 2019, 04:35:59 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13981 on: September 15, 2019, 05:03:11 AM »
A couple are driving home one evening and hit a skunk.
They get out the car and find it injured and freezing cold, so they decide to take it to the vet.

The husband said, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

Wife replied "But its all wet, and it stinks!"

The husband said; "He'll get used to it, I did!"

Must have a death wish
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13982 on: September 15, 2019, 05:48:58 AM »
She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window!

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up the driveway, and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking,
and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. ... Are you doing anything tonight?" 

I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" 

"Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13983 on: September 15, 2019, 10:35:47 AM »
Tom: "I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years, he returns home each day and spends every evening with his wife."

Dick: "That's what i call love."

Tom: "The doctor calls it paralysis."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13984 on: September 15, 2019, 12:44:20 PM »
Today is what my buddy calls 'SON-DAY', where he is bombarded with email requests and phone texts from his son, who is at Uni.

Then there is 'CHOOSE-DAY', when his son submits a list of movies that are due to be produced within the next 5 years, that he would like his father to download and burn for him.

This is followed by 'WHENS-DAY', whereby his son submits a date for these movies to be mailed to him, regardless of the fact that they are not yet even in production.

'FRY-DAY' is another busy day on the phone for him, as his son is well aware that every second one is pension day, and the neverending requests for cash 'grants' increases proportionally as the weekend approaches.
Apparently it is traditional for all Uni students to attend Maccas for a feast at the end of each week of studies, and this depletes their funds so much that they will be unable to pay their fortnightly boarding fees, which are due on the following Monday.

Speaking of 'Fortnite', I just remembered that he also asks for cash to be transferred to his account, to pay for internet fees to buy the latest upgrades and perks to play this online game.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13985 on: September 15, 2019, 12:53:20 PM »
Aww, c'mon, lady? ... get real?

Sunday 12.32 pm.

Just had another call from 'Nicole' at NBN ... some bullshirt about turning off my internet.

Offering a deal where I transfer cash by credit card to maintain my connection.

She got very snarky when I explained to her that EVERYBODY pays for their NBN service via their Telco, NOT directly to NBN, as NBN only supplies the connection TO the Telcos.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13986 on: September 15, 2019, 06:53:12 PM »
Drug Rehab ...

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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13987 on: September 15, 2019, 08:45:25 PM »
"So what seems to be the problem?"

"I think I'm a moth."

"You need a Psychiatrist, I'm a Dentist. What made you come and see me?"

"Your light was on."
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13988 on: September 15, 2019, 08:52:46 PM »
 :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13989 on: September 15, 2019, 08:58:08 PM »
2 new elements added to Science:

- Woman

• SYMBOL:

- Wo

• DISCOVERER:

Adam

• ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg.


• OCCURRENCES:

Copious quantities in all urban areas


• PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

• CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

• COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

• TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

• HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.


• NAME

- Husband

• SYMBOL:

- Hb

• ATOMIC WEIGHT:

1. Light when found first
2. Tends to get heavier over the years with time

• PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Boils at any time with inlaws
2. Can freeze in front of his own family
3. Melts if sees other women
4. Very bitter if questioned

• CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Very reactive
2. Highly unstable
3. Possesses strong resistance to gold, silver, diamond, platinum, credit cards and cheque books
4. Money saving agent

• OCCURRENCE:

Mostly found in front of TV looking for News and sports channel.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13990 on: September 15, 2019, 09:29:33 PM »
A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name
The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud, so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laughter, and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed.
What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark Asshole"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13991 on: September 15, 2019, 11:38:19 PM »
Tinder reply after first date.

"Your profile pic as a 23 year old, is very flattering.

Obviously you have had a hard life in the past 17 years since that photo was taken."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13992 on: September 16, 2019, 04:15:34 PM »
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13993 on: September 16, 2019, 04:15:56 PM »
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
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Offline Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13994 on: September 16, 2019, 05:38:32 PM »
Sometimes all it takes to make your day better, is to hear someone say these 3 little words.......











''I'M ON FIRE''
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13995 on: September 16, 2019, 06:09:32 PM »
Gene October was at this gig.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fyowuh3V_NU
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13996 on: September 16, 2019, 06:43:45 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13997 on: September 16, 2019, 06:46:51 PM »
I'm still upset that my teacher marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question: "What did they set up during the French Revolution?"


I maintain that "Lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13998 on: September 16, 2019, 09:16:04 PM »
Doctor: "Relax, Brian, It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Patient: "But doctor, my name is not Brian?"

Doctor: "I know... I'm Brian!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13999 on: September 17, 2019, 12:24:31 AM »
Mom: "Son, why don't you talk to Peter anymore? You used to be the best of friends?"

Son: "Would you talk to someone who is a thief, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?"

Mom: "No, of course not!"

Son: "Well, he won't either!"
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