Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924947 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14200 on: September 28, 2019, 01:50:28 AM »
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE WIFE ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14201 on: September 28, 2019, 01:53:34 AM »
Some people say I'm a bad cook.

Dunno why, ... does anyone else use the smoke alarm as a timer?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14202 on: September 28, 2019, 02:11:31 AM »
A young guy is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.
An elderly gent comes shuffling by, with a very worried expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"I shit my pants." answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them?" suggests the youngster.

"Haven't finished yet!" was the reply.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14203 on: September 28, 2019, 10:44:11 AM »

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar the other night.

One guy said to his buddy, "Man you look tired!"

His buddy replied, "I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3, 4, and sometimes more each day, I just don't know what to do."

I overheard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of my years said,:
"Marry her... that'll put a stop to it."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14204 on: September 28, 2019, 10:47:02 AM »
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go, because he got married this morning."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14205 on: September 28, 2019, 10:54:28 AM »
Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'.
You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."

"What makes you say that, Joe?"

"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."

"Like what?"

"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."

"Pffft! That shows you need your eyesight tested...  I wasn't even home last night!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14206 on: September 28, 2019, 12:19:51 PM »
Some guy walked up to me in Safeway this morning.
He asked "Have you lived here all your life?"

I replied "Not yet!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14207 on: September 28, 2019, 03:34:35 PM »
Would an Egyptian back cracker be called ... a Cairopractor?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14208 on: September 28, 2019, 03:41:17 PM »
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.

There stood her date.

He took one look at her and said "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"
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Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14209 on: September 28, 2019, 03:42:35 PM »
Would an Egyptian back cracker be called ... a Cairopractor?

Sounds dodgy.  I'd be saying Tahta on the way out.
 
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Offline Jdbiker

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14210 on: September 28, 2019, 03:49:41 PM »
Don’t say that.....mummy could get upset .
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14211 on: September 28, 2019, 03:54:07 PM »
She's just in Denial.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14212 on: September 28, 2019, 04:04:03 PM »
 :p ++
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14213 on: September 28, 2019, 04:05:21 PM »
Must be the birthplace of transgender parents... even your daddy could be a mummy.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14214 on: September 28, 2019, 04:09:22 PM »
A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said:

"When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our dog would run around barking.
Now, after ten years, it's different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

Said the counsellor: “Why complain? ... You are still getting the same service? In the corporate world they call it job Rotation!”
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Offline Jdbiker

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14215 on: September 28, 2019, 04:11:50 PM »
Must be the birthplace of transgender parents... even your daddy could be a mummy.

Not if he’s Tutankha..man
Jdbiker.
2008 red ST1300A
1980 Yamaha XS 1100
1974. Yamaha TX 500 sold
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Honda XL 250 sold
Suzuki TS 100
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14216 on: September 28, 2019, 04:14:38 PM »
There was once a man who was obsessed with gold.
He woke up in his golden bed,

put on his golden slippers and his golden robe,

and walked down his golden hallway, on his golden carpet, and into his golden bathroom.

He grabbed his golden mug,

filled it with normal water (which would be golden if he could), drank it,
and set it on his golden sink, and then he had a golden shower.
(No, not THAT  kind!)

He then dried off with his golden towel, put on his clothes, and left his White House for the day..................
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14217 on: September 28, 2019, 04:23:25 PM »
I was chatting with my neighbour, who was bragging about how clever his dog was
He said "He knows all his toys by name, and will fetch certain items by command, he fetches my slippers, or a beer from the fridge.
I can even send him to get the paper from the newsagent" .

I said "I know, my cat told me about him "
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14218 on: September 28, 2019, 05:58:33 PM »
Two chickens were chatting. One said "Ever since I eggs-ited the shell, I have found that life isn't what it's cracked up to be.
We are eggs-pected to rise at dawn, then scramble around all day until dusk, what a bloody yolk! .. It's enough to fry your brain!
These poachers who raised us, eggs-pect us to follow a feather brained, long-houred work rooster, and not complain?
We should comb-ine our forces, and spur each other on to beak-come a force to be reckoned with! Lets all crow-d together,
and tell the paltry powers who wrote the book! book! book! of poultry farming, to go and get flocked!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14219 on: September 28, 2019, 06:16:45 PM »
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

'I really need to wash some mugs ... '
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14220 on: September 28, 2019, 06:27:25 PM »
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14221 on: September 28, 2019, 10:23:52 PM »
Caution before taking your kids to work...

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying, so her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14222 on: September 28, 2019, 10:27:38 PM »
Maths test...


Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you have left.
Think of a country that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a colour that begins with that letter.




Now.... How many orange kangaroos are there in Denmark?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14223 on: September 29, 2019, 12:00:20 AM »
Two drunks walk in to an upmarket restaurant, and go straight to the only unoccupied table, yelling for service.

The head waiter hurries over asking “Do you have reservations?”

One of the men replies “Sure, but when you’re as hungry as we are, you throw caution to the wind.”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14224 on: September 29, 2019, 04:57:14 AM »
Maths test...


Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you have left.
Think of a country that begins with that letter. Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a colour that begins with that letter.




Now.... How many orange kangaroos are there in Denmark?

You do realize that there is a Denmark in Western Australia and it probably has a kangaroo or two.

Google Roger, the roo.
 
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